Thursday, November 4, 2010

Ice factory

Hello there, I'm Megan Prietzel, founder and president of Megan's Crazy Ice Factory.  Do you want a fulfilling job in a booming business market?  Do you like cold beverages?  Do you hate heat stroke?  Then, boy, do I have an offer for you!

Simply come on down to Megan's Crazy Ice Factory and apply for a job today!  Here at Megan's Crazy Ice Factory, we have a variety of FANTASTIC careers for you to choose from.

Ice Magician
Ice Magicians (Patent Pending) are where the "magic" really starts to happen!  (You see what I did there?  Lolz, I'm the funniest boss in the ever.)  As an Ice Magician (Patent Pending) you'll create scrumptious ice cubes using Water (Patent Pending).  It will be your responsibility to pour our (almost) patented Water into special trays.  This is where the whole process begins!


If the end result doesn't taste good, we'll fire and decapitate you!  Haha! 

Water Stirrer
As a Water Stirrer (patent pending) you will hold a large wooden spoon and stir water ALL DAY LONG.  This process ensures that the Water is stirred!

Water Safety Expert
Our factory is absolutely FULL of radiation emitted from our nuclear generator, which I think is leaking.  However, our Water Safety Experts are on the clock 24 hours a day, pouring ammonia and bleach into all of our Water in order to ensure consumer safety!  Water Safety Experts also add lots and lots of different ingredients and flavors to the Water in order to ensure that costumers never ever figure out that they're ingesting chemicals!  LOL!

Elephant Checker
Elephants are not allowed in our Ice Cubes!  Elephant Checkers use state of the art elephant detecting technology to search for and remove any stray elephants from any of our ingredients!  Elephant Checkers also clean the factory, so that we don't have to hire a janitor.

Freezer



Ice Taste Tester
We take quality very seriously here at Megan's Crazy Ice Factory.  That's why we hire fully trained Ice Taste Testers.  As a new recruit, you will attend a fifteen minute training session with me, Megan Prietzel of Megan's Crazy Ice Factory, where I, Megan Prietzel of Megan's Crazy Ice Factory, will instruct you on the fine art of Ice Taste Testing.  After a rigorous but super fun training experience, you will be locked in a room with nothing but a huge freezer and a conveyor belt, which will deliver freshly made Crazy Ice Cubes (patent pending) for you to taste!

Our taste testing motto is, "Once you taste it, you sure can't waste it!" so after determining the Yummy Factor (patent pending) of each individual ice cube, you'll package the delicious chunks of frozen yum and send them to our Quality Assurance Center.

Quality Assurance Center-ist
Quality is important to us here at Megan's Crazy Ice Factory.  That's why we hire dozens and dozens of Quality Assurance Center-ists to lick each and every ice cube at least seven times, checking for taste, smell, color, elephants, and taste.  Also, color.  We check for that too.  At Megan's Crazy Ice Factory, we like to shoot for "Quality" which stands for "Quietly Utilize A Licking Ice Taster, Yes!"  This motto reminds our employees to lick EVERY ice cube until each and every cube is coated in a layer of saliva!

Packaging Drone
As a member of our packaging staff, you (patent pending) will be responsible for (patent pending) stuffing the Crazy Ice Cubes (patent pending) into plastic (patent pending) bags and shipping them to a third world country, where the Cubes will be properly packaged, and then sent back to our factory!

Delivery Expert
You get to drive a truck!  Yaaaay!  Vroom vroom!

Minion
Must come to factory to apply.  Must have little to no tendency for remorse, ability to operate heavy machinery, and knowledge of underground tunnel systems worldwide.




Convinced yet?  As a member of our award wining staff* you will have the opportunity to produce award winning ice** to be distributed to your very own neighborhood market!  All employees receive a benefit package including: ten dollars towards dental insurance each year, 30 minutes of vacation time for every 6 years of work at the factory, an invisible and intangible unicorn, a year's worth of free breathing privileges and oxygen in the factory,  and a 0.00000001% discount on all Crazy Ice products!  Now that's an offer you just can't refuse!


And remember, look for Megan's Crazy Ice at your local grocery store for only $15.99 per cube!

"Only $15.99?!  THAT'S CRAZY!!"

That's not crazy, that's just how we do business here at Megan's Crazy Ice Factory.


*Winner of the Megan Prietzel award for "Awesomest Staff, Like, Ever."
**Winner of the Megan Prietzel award for "THAT'S SOME TASTY ICE."

16 comments:

  1. Megan, I really, really love your blog.

    And I live in Germany, so I guess it means you have fans worldwide. WORLDWIDE! Pretty cool, isn't it? Actually, I'm kinda jealous, but not everyone can be as awesome as you are. Fact.

    Oh, and BTW, congrats to your Sparknotes blog! It was hilarious!

    B.

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  2. I was thinking this would be a really super good idea since the economy needs jobs! And I graduated with a degree in freezer, where do I sign up?

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  3. Just one question. Is your factory open in the Winter?

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  4. Well who would have guessed---I have a factory too! It's a fire factory!!! Except the building it used to be in burned down. So can I use your basement as a replacement in the meantime? Just for a week or so, until I find a new location... Please?

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  5. Dear Megan,
    I found your blog from SparkNotes. And I love it. So I;m following it, but it would be nice if you could follow me back (please?).

    From,
    me

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  6. Hmmm. maybe I should have told you my blog's URL. Oh well. I'm sure you're smart enough to find it. Click on my name and the magical internet of awesome will bring you right to a link.
    It's amazing, the way the world works like that.

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  7. Hello Megan.
    Guess what.
    I found your blog BEFORE sparknotes.
    **feels special**

    Well, I may have found it through a link that someone posted on Dan Bergstein's Facebook wall, which was through sparknotes.

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  8. I believe I am in love with pixel polar bears and elephants. Supertabulous blog and congrats on the Sparknotes blog!

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  9. You are definitely not the only one who thinks this is funny. You are ookly. that's right, I said it. Ookly. and I don't just say that to anyone. The purple green monster lives in ookalopaloozalopaloozalopolis is very ookly. So congratulations! I now give you permission to wear purple and green simultaneously. Do not abuse this power.

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  10. OMGGGGGG!!!!!! i SOO wanna be and ICE TASTE TESTER!!!! i would ensure QUALITY!!! PICK ME PICK MEE!!!

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  11. Hey, I have experience in being an Elephant Checker. My full resume is at https://docs.google.com/document/d/1H2rLLGcPt31RvXf2lWJtctEiqjjv1tzPgxYvNbTDOAM/edit?hl=en&authkey=CI6h7fcF.
    Will you hire me? PRETTYPRETTYPLEASE????

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  12. umm do minions get cool swords and stuff?

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  13. i summon a unicorn

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  14. ok possibly my comment was a little bit late.
    megan... please post more. i get bored easily and need something to entertain me.

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  15. OH HEM GHEE, THEIS BLOGE IS AMASIJNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    P.S. I like to extensively use certain letters or symbols

    ReplyDelete

Commenting on my blog prevents all types of cardiovascular diseases. Also, all other diseases. And it summons unicorns. So, really, why WOULDN'T you comment?