Hello there, I'm Megan Prietzel, founder and president of Megan's Crazy Ice Factory. Do you want a fulfilling job in a booming business market? Do you like cold beverages? Do you hate heat stroke? Then, boy, do I have an offer for you!
Simply come on down to Megan's Crazy Ice Factory and apply for a job today! Here at Megan's Crazy Ice Factory, we have a variety of FANTASTIC careers for you to choose from.
Ice Magicians (Patent Pending) are where the "magic" really starts to happen! (You see what I did there? Lolz, I'm the funniest boss in the ever.) As an Ice Magician (Patent Pending) you'll create scrumptious ice cubes using Water (Patent Pending). It will be your responsibility to pour our (almost) patented Water into special trays. This is where the whole process begins!
If the end result doesn't taste good, we'll fire and decapitate you! Haha!
As a Water Stirrer (patent pending) you will hold a large wooden spoon and stir water ALL DAY LONG. This process ensures that the Water is stirred!
Water Safety Expert
Our factory is absolutely FULL of radiation emitted from our nuclear generator, which I think is leaking. However, our Water Safety Experts are on the clock 24 hours a day, pouring ammonia and bleach into all of our Water in order to ensure consumer safety! Water Safety Experts also add lots and lots of different ingredients and flavors to the Water in order to ensure that costumers never ever figure out that they're ingesting chemicals! LOL!
Elephants are not allowed in our Ice Cubes! Elephant Checkers use state of the art elephant detecting technology to search for and remove any stray elephants from any of our ingredients! Elephant Checkers also clean the factory, so that we don't have to hire a janitor.
Ice Taste Tester
We take quality very seriously here at Megan's Crazy Ice Factory. That's why we hire fully trained Ice Taste Testers. As a new recruit, you will attend a fifteen minute training session with me, Megan Prietzel of Megan's Crazy Ice Factory, where I, Megan Prietzel of Megan's Crazy Ice Factory, will instruct you on the fine art of Ice Taste Testing. After a rigorous but super fun training experience, you will be locked in a room with nothing but a huge freezer and a conveyor belt, which will deliver freshly made Crazy Ice Cubes (patent pending) for you to taste!
Quality Assurance Center-ist
Quality is important to us here at Megan's Crazy Ice Factory. That's why we hire dozens and dozens of Quality Assurance Center-ists to lick each and every ice cube at least seven times, checking for taste, smell, color, elephants, and taste. Also, color. We check for that too. At Megan's Crazy Ice Factory, we like to shoot for "Quality" which stands for "Quietly Utilize A Licking Ice Taster, Yes!" This motto reminds our employees to lick EVERY ice cube until each and every cube is coated in a layer of saliva!
As a member of our packaging staff, you (patent pending) will be responsible for (patent pending) stuffing the Crazy Ice Cubes (patent pending) into plastic (patent pending) bags and shipping them to a third world country, where the Cubes will be properly packaged, and then sent back to our factory!
You get to drive a truck! Yaaaay! Vroom vroom!
Must come to factory to apply. Must have little to no tendency for remorse, ability to operate heavy machinery, and knowledge of underground tunnel systems worldwide.
Convinced yet? As a member of our award wining staff* you will have the opportunity to produce award winning ice** to be distributed to your very own neighborhood market! All employees receive a benefit package including: ten dollars towards dental insurance each year, 30 minutes of vacation time for every 6 years of work at the factory, an invisible and intangible unicorn, a year's worth of free breathing privileges and oxygen in the factory, and a 0.00000001% discount on all Crazy Ice products! Now that's an offer you just can't refuse!
And remember, look for Megan's Crazy Ice at your local grocery store for only $15.99 per cube!
"Only $15.99?! THAT'S CRAZY!!"
That's not crazy, that's just how we do business here at Megan's Crazy Ice Factory.
*Winner of the Megan Prietzel award for "Awesomest Staff, Like, Ever."
**Winner of the Megan Prietzel award for "THAT'S SOME TASTY ICE."