Monday, January 31, 2011

Still not dead. Surprisingly.

Hey just wanted to let you guys know that I WILL be posting this week.  I'm not dead.  Or seriously injured, as the rumors suggest.  (I made up the rumors.  I just want to be important.)

Please bear with my for a while because not too long ago no one read my blog except for my mom and, like, two random internet people who happened upon it accidentally.  So up until now, no one cared if I took a month to post.  I'M FIXIN' MY WAYS.  I even have a post in the works.  Love me still, please.

Sorry that this is not a real post.  Please accept my sincerest apologies, and also this picture:

Look!  It's me!  It's me putting food in my mouth!  HOW EMBARRASSING!  ...Okay this is full of fail.  More to come this week, and it might even be good.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


This is not a real blog post.  THIS IS JUST ME SAYING THAT I WON SOMETHING.  Which is weird because I never win so now I have to go change my about page but it also makes me very happy because I'm now a winner!  For real!  I may now join the pantheon of all star winners, like Kobe Bryant and Celine Dion, who has won my heart.  In a totally not weird way.  Actually it's kind of weird.  BUT MOVING ON.

I WON SOMETHING.  Look here to go to Lara's blog, where I won a thing that means I will be receiving more things!  I get THINGS, you guys!  YAY FOR THINGS!!!!!!!  I had a little seizure of joy when I realized that I GET THINGS!!!!! AND I WON SOMETHING!!! SOMETHING AND THINGS ALL IN ONE DAY IT'S TOO MUCH!!!

This totally beats Jesse McCartney tickets.  Which is weird because I never thought I would mention Jesse McCartney twice on this blog, but then again I also never thought I would be getting things.  THINGS, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Sometimes I'm accidently funny without meaning to be. Also, sometimes I spell accidently as "accidentally" because I suck.

Updated:  Apparently it really is spelled "accidentally" and I've been right all along.  So it's kind of like my failure is a success, if you think about it.

I actually was planning on writing a very long illustrated post today, but a friend of mine brought something else to my attention.  Also, I've been working for hours upon hours on a special project for SparkLife, and when you see it you will be all, "THAT took you hours upon hours?" and I will say, "DUDE do you know how long it took me to draw four bears?  DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME?" and then I will indisputably win the argument and you will bask in my glory or whatever.

Anyway, my friend texted me a very long text but mostly what stuck out to me was something that a lot of people have asked me: "How are you so funny?"  He actually worded it differently, but the concept is the same.  And it's a question that a lot of people have emailed me about, and a lot of times they are looking for tips to help them excel at comedy.  So, how am I funny?

Well there's an easy answer to that.  I have no freaking idea.

To be completely honest, I don't think I'm funny at all.  If real life is any indication, I'm just an instigator of awkward conversations.  In actual every day situations my humor falls flat all the time and that's assuming I even know what to talk about to begin with because more than half of my life is spent like this:

Usually when this happens (EVERY DAY) I just run away as quickly as possible and retreat to my dorm room.  I'm still trying to figure out how to be socially acceptable as a human being, but so far most of my attempts at humor and conversation have been so painfully futile, I just don't say anything.  Or I'll go through this really horrible process in which my brain starts grinding against itself and my vocal chords issue forth a horrible buzzing sound.  Inside my head I'm all, "I need to say something.  I'm going to say something about zombies.  But wait!  Previous experience has taught me that talking about zombies is not successful.  What do I talk about, then?  Um, I could talk about how much I hate cheese.  But most people like cheese.  What if he thinks I'm a freak because I don't like cheese?  WHAT DO I DO!?  Oh no.  It's been like 2 minutes.  I should say something.  He's probably offended.  But if I say something now, he'll think I'm an idiot.  Wait, what did he ask me?  I don't know.  Something about zombie cheese.  Ew, gross. a cool way.  I would totally like zombie cheese.  Not to eat, but just to look at for a minute."  And then by the time I formulate an acceptable answer, my conversational partner is gone and by then my brain is trying to bash it's way out of my idiotic skull anyway so it doesn't really matter.

But here, on the magical world of the internet, I have found that everything is wonderful and full of love and happiness and puppies and puppy-ness.  And videos of cats in boxes!  And EVERYONE likes zombies!  And suddenly, I'm funny.  But I haven't ever been funny before.  That's why I'm at a total loss as to answering your questions, see?  People ask how to be funny or how to make their blogs funny and I'm just all "Uuuuuummmmm......" and then I start giggling nervously and talking about spaceships because I'm scared that my secret will be revealed and everyone will realize that I'm not funny at all.  So here are my comedy tips: 

1.  Be funny.
2.  Don't be not funny.
3.  When in doubt, draw a really terrible picture of yourself.
4.  When that doesn't work, wallow in self-pity.
5.  Mention glitter as often as possible.  Also, think about dinosaurs a lot.
6.  Be mildly offensive.
7.  Draw more things.
8.  Read blogs that you think are funny and try to draw some inspiration.
10.  Eat debilitating amounts of junk food.

...And that's about it.  That's all I've got so far.  I'm learning, brothers and sisters.  Thank you for liking me, because I certainly like you back.  Let's be together forever.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Hey, I'm not dead! Hooray! (Updated)

Hello.  I've been taking a hiatus called "lazy" but now I'm back.  Also, I have homework and college crap to do, which means that I will procrastinate more and more by drawing pictures of bears and talking about glitter in depth.  YAY!!!!

I'm thinking about blogging a book for SparkLife.  If you think that this is a terrible idea, please feel free to inform me with vitriol, but take note that I will only accept criticism if it comes in the form of a gift basket full of delicious treats and puppies.  I will not eat the puppies.  You may have the puppies back after I'm done playing with them. At least one puppy must be named Toad-Dog.

I've opened up a new poll asking you guys which book you think I should blog.  In light of Blogging Twilight's sad, sad end, I originally thought of blogging The Host.  Don't take Dan Bergstein into account when voting, cause he is going to do something very spectacular, but it won't be The Host.  It's going to be even better.  And that's all I'll say about that.  I will probably get fired in approximately twenty minutes.  Today is a day of magic!

Anyway, vote on the poll and if you choose the last option, be sure to leave me a comment or shoot me an email telling me that I'm an idiot and really should have thought of [insert incredible/horrible/whatever book here] and then I will add that into the running.

Tomorrow, hopefully, I will return to regular posting.  Keep on keepin' on, Sparkleheads.  And other people who read my blog.  (Hi, mom.)

Update: There are a few things that I need to clarify.  First, I KNOW that The Host is by Stephenie Meyer and that every one of you loathes her with a fiery passion.  That is the point.  See I can't blog something too freaking awesome because this is how it would go:

So I read this book and it was incredible.  In this chapter, awesomeness happens.  The characters are wonderful and make super decisions.  Everything makes perfect and complete sense.  I do not see anything wrong with this book.  Remember that one really suspenseful part of this chapter?  Me too.  It was great, as I'm sure we can all agree.  I love this book.

That was probably not very interesting.  I've read The Hunger Games series and loved it, but I probably wouldn't blog it just because I don't really have anything to say about it.  It was great.  Sure, I have some minor issues with it, but not enough to write something interesting.  That's not to say that a book has to suck to be an interesting blog, but when something is nit-picked, it's funnier.  JUST SAYIN'.

(Cue the "MEGAN YOU ARE A MO-RON" comments.)