All the news stations were reporting that there would be a massive blizzard. It would be The Storm To End All Storms. It would go down in history as The Storm Of The Century. It was going to be terrifying and yet, somehow, cathartic for all involved. It would forever change Utah. All Utahns would learn the value of friendship and courage in the face of adversity. There would be epiphanies and realizations and wrongs made right. But there would be mass deaths. Mass tragedy. Mass Costco crowds, stocking up on essential survival supplies, such as pasta, bottled water, and huge tanks of propane. Also, wolverine guns. Just in case the wolverines decided to take advantage of Utah's weakness and launched an attack.
I hate snow, with the fiery passion of someone who prefers tomatoes to snow. Snow is horrible. Snow tries to kill me on a regular basis. Snow is The Universe's greatest weapon against me. I have already nearly killed myself in the snow this year. I must trudge through the snow to get to class. Really, there is no way to emphasize how much I hate snow. "But it is beautiful!" you say. Yes. Yes it is. It is beautiful in exactly the way that a siren temptress's song is beautiful. But then you get close and it smashes you upon the rocks and dines on your flesh.
And yet...I was kind of excited for this Monster Of All Blizzards. I imagined a world in which I was the grim survivor of a catastrophe. The Catastrophe Of A Lifetime. I couldn't wait to prove to the snow and The Universe, once and for all, that I, Megan Audrey Prietzel, would conquer The Very Deadly Snow Event. I was psyched.
The suspense built. I came home from school early, hoping to beat the Crazy Stormy Storm that was sure to begin wreaking havoc on Utah at any freaking moment. Tension filled the gray, chilly air. My mother stocked up the entire house with supplies. I made cookies. Shaped like stars!!!! (They are so cute, CAN YOU IMAGINE?!)
I turned on the television and decided to wait for Poseidon If He Were A Storm while watching Star Wars. I finished A New Hope. I looked outside. No snow. I finished The Empire Strikes Back. I looked outside. Godzilla Snow Attack had not yet begun raining terror.
Frustrated, I turned on the news. "What's the deal, News?" I asked the T.V.
...Okay. Alright. It IS the news. I'll buy it. Voldemort Blizzard is coming. I can wait.
I IS BAKE COOKIES NOWWWWW!!!!!
Three hours later, I had an image in my head of utter destruction. I was so sure that outside, the world had come to a halt. The Dreaded Storm Of Peril had killed the entire state, I was positive. Eventually, the star cookies were baked and all that remained for me to do was assess the ruinous desolation that was sure to be my neighborhood.
This was what I pictured:
This was the reality:
For someone who plots for the eternal death of snow, this was pretty disappointing to me.
WHAT THE HECK, NEWS? You have deceived me. It was at this point that I began to realize what was happening.
I turned on the T.V. again. Scenes of white outs, standstill traffic, survival kits, and men speculating about humanity's odds of utter destruction dominated the news station. My suspicions were confirmed.
There was no storm. This was all a clever hoax. All of the evidence, all of the hype, all of the news reports were a ruse, a strike against me personally. Obviously. And I had fallen for it.
Touche, Universe. Touche indeed.