Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Three days without Facebook. Because I haaaate myself.

This morning I checked Facebook. Then I went to work. Then I checked Facebook again. I spent the first hour of the day working and checking Facebook until I read something that made my heart twist. See, I have several Facebook friends who are pregnant and who got pregnant around the same time I did. However, their babies are healthy. I had a miscarriage. I would have found out whether my baby was a boy or girl this month...and that means that THEY are all finding out and excitedly posting their news to Facebook. Meanwhile, I'm torturing myself by obsessively reading their updates and looking at pictures of their cute bellies and the sweet baby socks and clothes and books that they're receiving as gifts. I am not even close to being over my miscarriage. I feel like a mother without a child. I am jealous, angry, empty, and sad every time I see one of those updates. It's hard, REALLY hard to be happy for people who are getting what I thought I'd have. I lost it, seemingly at random, seemingly by chance, seemingly for no reason, and arbitrarily they didn't. But I digress. Because the point is that after I saw this girl's update and felt that familiar sinking, empty, drowning-in-a-well-filled-with-my-own-emotions-blaaaaah feeling, I got PISSED.

I'm mad! WHY am I doing this to myself?! Is this REALLY how I want to feel?? No one is forcing me to look! I sat there, staring at the computer screen for at least five minutes, realizing that I am torturing myself. I have a wound that's trying to heal, and I keep ripping it open and examining it. What is wrong with me? I'm not a jealous person. I'm not a person who doesn't rejoice in the happiness of others. I'm not a wallower. In the past I've always been able to muster up enthusiasm and joy for people who have what I want.

See, without Facebook, I wouldn't even know that these friends are all having girls so far. They could tell me or I could find out on a better timeline, one where I don't have to crumple into a pathetic pile of sadness in secret and they don't have to feel guilty for sharing their good news. I actually am not sure if they all even know, but I don't want them to feel bad when they post a picture of an ultrasound.

I've realized that being a part of every single thing that every other person does is a responsibility. If we're going to have that much knowledge about the lives of one another, if we're going to give ourselves so much freaking ability to be connected at all times, then we have to learn not to abuse it. Torturing ourselves with Facebook is NOT responsible behavior. It's insane. It's kind of sick. I do it all the time. It's not just the miscarriage, either. I can't count how many times I've felt awful after comparing myself to other people, particularly other people I hardly even know. And when was the last time I argued for hours on end over some stupid political opinion in real life? Facebook is the perfect forum for that, unfortunately. I get to watch some awesome things happen in the lives of my friends, but I also get to feel just sick to death because of all the negativity. It's negativity I force upon myself.

Not everyone needs to know what I'm thinking! I don't need to know what everyone else is thinking, either. I don't need to hurt over someone else's baby when I'm not even finished hurting over mine. Seeing other women's pregnancies work out so up close and personally makes me forget the peace that God has given me after hours of prayer and thought. It makes me forget that sometimes I need to focus on my own personal tragedies before I can heal enough to face the world. After my miscarriage, I shut myself into my apartment and took a week of alone time, some of it with my husband, some without. It felt good to just deal on my own. But I wasn't ever really alone with my grief, because I was on Facebook. Because even when I was weighed down with my own suffering, I was still involved, however indirectly, in the affairs of other people. Their lives just went on while mine was utterly halted for a while and watching that makes a cynic out of anyone. I have enough stress in my life without everyone else's on top of it.

This post was originally supposed to be a lighthearted humor piece about how much Facebook sucks. I even had ms paint up to draw some hilarious pictures of myself curled up in a deprived ball on the floor. I probably should have written this after the anger subsided and I may even go back and delete it because I'm not sure I'm ready to share yet, but I've gotta say, it feels good. I cannot believe it took me this long to figure this crap out.

So here's my plan to start getting my Facebook habit under control: I'm not going to be on Facebook until Saturday at the earliest, longer if I can handle it, just to see how it feels. Then I'll have to come up with some sort of battle plan, because this sucks and I'm not letting a stupid website control my emotions anymore. Who knows? Maybe I'll even be able to come to terms with my feelings on my own without interference, however indirect or unintentional, from anyone else.

14 comments:

  1. I deleted my Facebook a couple of months ago, because I was doing exactly what you have been: continuously ripping open a wound that is trying to heal. It was negatively affecting my relationship. Our trials are different, but we are facing the same roadblock on our recovery. Originally, I thought it was only for a week, and then I would be back. But life seems so much simpler without Facebook. Zero desire to go back. I hope you can experience some progress through getting rid of Facebook, because it has helped me tremendously. Keep smiling girl, everything will be alright. :)

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  2. I don't really use facebook that much anymore, I used to get a bit upset about it when I was younger, but it's really just because I prefer going on youtube, blogger or tumblr.

    Everything will be ok, hang in there. x

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  4. I tried Facebook out for a year when it first came out. I'm a private person so I don't really feel the need to share my life with people and I wasn't necessarily interested in all my acquaintances' lives. And yet every time I saw a picture of someone at a party or on the beach or generally having a good time I felt bad about myself. Like my life wasn't as good as theirs or I wasn't as happy as they were. I also noticed every single one of my friends become pretentious/unreal and put on some kind of show (whether it be through comments or pictures or videos) whenever someone was willing to watch. It felt like everybody was trying to keep up with everybody and it just turned into this kind of competition of who can pretend to be the happiest/coolest/funnest through pictures that portray very little of their actual (not so glamorous) lives. I permanently deleted my account soon after I could no longer recognize my own friend from behind a computer screen. Now whenever someone asks me why I don't have a facebook I tell them it's because envy is a disgusting quality, I don't want to feel it nor would I want to instill it in others. I am perfectly happy with my life and I don't want to sit here and watch you sugar coat yours. But you have to understand that I never got on the bandwagon. I was ALWAYS on the outside looking in (a cynic as you say). So I can't tell you whether or not you'll miss it. But I can give you the facts as they are from an outsider's perspective and you may do with them what you will. Good luck to you.

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  5. If you want to go back to Facebook without driving yourself crazy every time you go on it you could unsubscribe from your pregnant friends so they don't show up in your news feed anymore. It seems harsh but they'll never know and it's better to save your sanity. Also you could block the urls to their pages if you have a habit of going directly to their profiles just to torture yourself. It would probably be easier to just stay off of Facebook but if you really want to keep it that's the way I'd go. Good Luck, hang in there!

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  6. Hey, I love you by the way! I wish we could spend married time together and be best friends. This is my truest desire. I am sorry for what you are going through. It has happened many times in my family. Truly gut wrenching and heartbreaking. I love your heart. I hope it feels at least a little better soon.

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  7. That's awful, honey. You've probably heard the "I'm so sorry" a million times so I won't say it. But I believe in you and I know you'll last through a Facebook break, even though I know how hard it is. And this Bad Stuff will pass too. And maybe it won't ever feel great (I know four years later I still don't feel great about it) but it feels better and less like a giant gaping hole inside you that you can't fill and can only poke at, and it feels more like that weird itch in the middle of your back that you can't scratch no matter how hard you try and when you rub up against a doorway to get it it still itches and now you have a bruise because you rubbed too hard. I'm not sure where I was trying to go but my point was I love you a lot and I believe in you.

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  8. Sorry for your loss. I want know people who know you and complete strangers like myself care that you are hurting. I am going to the the temple today I will put your name on the prayer roll. I pray that you can feel the Lord's comforting presence at this time. You are loved Megan.

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  9. Megan! I wish we were real-life friends, not just Facebook friends lol because I love you!...I'm in the same boat as you. Not with the miscarriage, but, with wallowing in self-pity because of things I see on Facebook. I feel awful because I think my marriage has suffered greatly due to my comparing us with other couples that are plastered all over Facebook and how they act like everything is perfect and romantic in their lives. It makes me feel like we are doing something wrong because we don't go out on dates every week (or hardly at all for that matter), we don't do all these ridiculously cute and funny things for/with each other. Granted I know we should do SOMETHING to keep the love alive, but I think my husband suffers a lot at my hand because I'm constantly asking him why he never does "this, this and this" like all these "other guys do for their wives"...and then I see all my friends with children the same age as Scarlet and how they always do these amazingly fun and crafty things with/for them, or how they're teaching them how to be potty-trained at an early age, or are teaching them sign language, yet all I can say is that I sit here letting my house become a pig-sty because my daughter is a walking, talking, laughing tornado lol and all I do is "lounge around" while she plays with her toys or watches tv or colors, etc. I get down on myself for having no friends here and get so upset when I see all my acquaintances here posting pictures of their "girls nights" and wonder why I never get invited, and I feel like a loser...Ah...Megan, I love this post of yours even though it wasn't light and fluffy like you had originally intended it to be. Just by writing this out to you, you've helped me realize that I need to go on a Facebook strike as well!!!

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  10. I wish I could adequately express my sympathies to you. Words fail, though, in light of such a weight. Loss is hard. I can't even begin to imagine the loss you have suffered. But you are strong. I don't know you in person, but I can tell that you are. We aren't of the same religion, but I will still pray for you, pray for peace and healing.
    God bless.

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  11. Oh, Megan, I just read this post now, and I don't even know what to say. I don't really know you, I just read your blog, but I was so excited when you got married, and I must say I'm so sad for you now. I hope you find strength to get through this challenging time.
    It's actually very mature of you to realize how harmful Facebook can be. Most of us just go with the flow and pretend we love it. I've recently noticed how many people are saying similar ideas about how social networking can make you feel more alone instead of connected. I think it's great to take a break from it all and just focus on the few people we really care about the most...and first ourselves.
    I hope you make it through this time even stronger than before, and I hope you have many more chances to build a family.
    All the best,
    Tzivia

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  12. I'm so sorry for your miscarriage. I hope you feel better soon! Sending love your way <3

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  13. I totally feel you on this post, as I have friends who share everything on Facebook. Don't let yourself down, keep fighting!

    www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

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  14. Megan. You may not read this because of all the spam above this but it is worth a shot. Words from strangers, from friends, from family may not help while you are going through such a terrible pain. It sucks, it absolutely sucks that you and your husband are going through this. You may never feel completely healed but, please don't give up.
    My mother had many miscarriages before she had me. I'm still not sure how she did it, but she believed her faith and she did not give up. She and I certainly do not always get along, but she is a wonderful mother, one of the best, in my opinion. And I believe the same of you. You are kind, bright, funny, perceptive and loved. Please do not deprive a child the chance to experience to be your child. I promise you that it will get better. It really will. But you owe it to the world, you owe it to yourself, you owe it your child, to please don't give up.

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