Thursday, October 28, 2010

How to get an A in English

English is a hard subject for many reasons.  It involves spelling, it involves words, and it involves grammar.  No other language includes all three of these things, and I'm pretty sure most of them are comprised of guttural grunting noises and a series of clicks and whistles.  Fortunately, I've constructed this handy guide to help you navigate and pass the rigorous course that is English.

Spelling is difficult because it involves letters, and some letters exist only to ruin your life.  The letter "P," for example, is a jerk.  If it is paired with the letter "H," it sounds like an "F."  If it is paired with the letter "S," it sounds like...well, like an "S."  When paired with other letters, like, say, the letter "R," "P" pretends to be all innocent and crap and does exactly what it's supposed to.  It is false and deceitful.  "P" is such a jerk, and it never responds to my emails.  Jerk.

"P" also looks a lot like the number 9, which poses difficulty for young children who happen to have fairly common first names and also have last names which start with the letter P, because maybe a certain young child is just trying to learn to differentiate between numbers and letters and the teacher hands back corrected papers to the class and loudly calls out "Megan 9?  Who is Megan 9?  We don't USE numbers in our NAMES, MEGAN!!" and then the poor child gets all embarrassed and remembers it to this very day and....

What?  Where am I?

Anyway.  The letter P.  It sucks.  In order to help you remember this, I've created the following illustration:
The concept to grasp here: the letter "P" is evil.

Here are some helpful tips when you're trying to spell things:
1. Don't spell in Spanish.
2. Spell in English.
3. When in doubt, just mouth the word "Watermelon."  That's a tip I learned from my fourth grade choir class.
4. If you don't remember how to spell a word, write "Watermelon" and then make it look like the word you are supposed to be spelling.
5. Pants inhibit blood flow to the brain.  Don't wear them to class.
6. Only use letters that appear in the alphabet.  If you cannot remember which letters are in the alphabet, make up your own letters because you are likely to be right at least some of the time.

The most important thing to remember when spelling is to believe in yourself.  When you have confidence in the magical power of your inner self or whatever, you cannot fail!  Try your best, kiddo.  And don't forget, there's no "P" in the phrase "Good speller."

Grammar is like the crappy math of the English world.  Grammar makes you think about things like fragments, comma splices, tense shifts, and subject-verb agreement.  All this stuff kind of sucks.  They really aren't as hard as they sound though:

If you want to be a grammar wizard, there are a few things you must always do.  

First, whenever you grasp a rule of grammar, cling to it like it's the holy grail of rules.  Whenever anyone misuses this rule or blatantly ignores it, consider it your divine calling to correct them immediately and succinctly.  Always be sure to act condescending and patronizing, because otherwise they just won't learn.  It's a fact.

Second, ignore any and all changes in the structure of the English language.  For example, it is now grammatically correct to use only one space after a period.  This is a ridiculous rule.  I grew up my whole life typing TWO SPACES.  It is the only correct way.  I will forever hold to what I know to be true.  I will also stubbornly insist on keeping all my VHS tapes and reading books that are made of paper.  In ten years no one will like me, but I will be so right.  It's worth it.  Keep your fancy high-definition space laser discs and your magical "e-readers."

Third, if you don't know a rule of grammar, just pretend like you do.  When your friend shakes his head and says "It always bothers me when I see a 'ten items or less' checkout station.  It's so incorrect," you must respond quickly, otherwise everyone you know and love will hate you forever for your ignorance.  Also, kittens will explode.

Below are some statements I've created that are suitable for any situation, and are definitely applicable when you don't know the rules of grammar.  Simply respond by saying:

"That was overturned at the Geneva Convention."
"That's so racist."
"I'm good at grammar."
"I love orphans."
"My whole family is dying of an incurable disease."
"Velociraptor overlords will soon be arriving from the past to take over, so it really doesn't matter."

Words are just letters mushed up together to create sounds which are attached to meanings.  It is all very complicated.  If you have enough words together, and they all make sense in context with each other, you will have a sentence.  But let's not get too far ahead of ourselves.

These are words:

These are not words:

When in doubt, refer to this handy list. It's basically comprehensive.

Sentences can lead to paragraphs,which in turn can lead to pointless essays (which you will inevitably encounter in your education), so it's important to know what a sentence is and how to use it.

A sentence looks like this:
The meth lab exploded into a million particles of chemical-doused rubble.

A sentence does not look like this:

Also, something about subjects and verbs and independent clauses.  (Hint: not Santa Clauses.)

I, don't know how, to use commas.  ,,,,

Now go earn that A!

Monday, October 18, 2010

When I grow up to be even more awesome than I am now, this is what it will look like

I am not married, and I probably won't be married any time soon because I think I don't like being married yet.  That's the idea, anyway.

Nevertheless, I have come up with some super-cool plans for my future.  Dive in, shall we?

Ideas for the names of my future daughters:
Twilight Bella (Just in case I want to name one of them after Twilight Bella.  Wouldn't want people to be confused.)
Helen Keller (Too far?)
Picture Frame
Picture Frame II
Picture Frame Decorated With Butterflies
Wikipedia (Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?)
* (Pronounced "Asterisk"
**(Pronounced "Double Asterisk")
(**) (Pronounced "Parenthesis Double Asterisk Amanda")

(o.o)    (Pronounced "Franchesca")  (Or "Robot Bunny")  (Or both)

Ideas for the names of my future sons:
CrimsonRedScarletJones (His favorite color will be yellow, probably)
Cement (Pronounced See-Ment.  Probably will not go over well.)
Newton's Third Law (I always forget this one)
AAAAAH!FIRE!EVERYONERUN!!!! (Pronounced "Christopher")
Atticus Google
Atticus LeGoogle
& (I don't know how I would pronounce this.)
Brunhildo (See, I took a popular female Viking name and made it male.  I want people to know how incredibly creative I am.  SO creative.  In fact, watch this next one.  It's a doozy.)
Satin Oxygen Little Bird

I also have ideas for my future name.  As I understand, it changes when you get married.  If I get to change my name, I would like for it to be one of these:

Optimus Beyonce (This is a bit of homage to Dan Bergstein, who should probably just go ahead and create a baby naming book.  It would be awesome.)
Megan Braveheart
Megan Iscool
Megan !
LeMegan Leblahbleaux (In case I marry a French guy.)
Megan Angel Miracle
The Illustrious Megan
Megan Jeremiah
Megan Megan
Megan M. Megan
Megan Sexyfacehotpants
Megan Gotareallybigdiamondring
The Wittiest, Most Charming Woman Ever To Have Lived

I also have picked out my future home.

I has a rocket.  Do you?
Not pictured in the above photo representation: hot tub, unicorn stables, more more cake, and back door.  Also, mailbox.

My future occupation will be one of the following:
Supreme Dictator of the State of Utah
Supreme Dictator of Any Other Place
Person Who Gets Paid To Eat Cake
Official Officiator
Person Who Writes About Random Crap And Draws Lousy Pictures
Blogger Who Writes About Random Crap And Draws Lousy Pictures
Person Who Makes "PH" Not Sound Like "F" Anymore Because It Makes No Sense
Struggling College Student

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Pants with a polar bear

There are three easily recognizable classes of pants.

First, comfortable pants.

Comfortable pants are usually sweatpants, but they can also be a pair of old jeans.  They inhibit your movement only minimally.  They allow you to sit without exposing your butt crack.  They feel almost as good as not wearing pants, except nothing feels as good as not wearing pants.  However, if you have to wear pants, comfortable ones are the best option.

Comfortable pants will never let you down, especially when you leave the house wearing them because people will think you are a hobo and will give you leftover sandwiches.

Polar bears are awesome.

The second class of pants are stylish pants.

These pants generally have rips, tears, fading, and other signs of wear.  These damages are intended to make you look attractive.  You may think that these pants will garner you free leftover sandwiches.  You are mistaken.  Stylish pants often have strange and shiny logos emblazoned directly on the butt pockets so that each rump-cheek glistens with rhinestones and advertising.  These pants will, in no particular order: suffocate you, rip in the crotch at any sudden movement, disallow you from running away from pursuers, prove extremely difficult both to insert your body into and to remove from your body, and make bare your butt crack for all the world to see.  They will also situate around your pelvic area in a way that will cause your girth to overflow out of them like a waterfall of fat, no matter how skinny you are.  If you are not skinny, they will eventually cut off your blood circulation, and you will die.

These pants sometimes make you feel sexy fine, but usually they just make your legs go numb.  They are often accessorized with other stylish, similarly impractical items.

The third class: trendy (for some reason) pants.

"Trendy" pants are puzzling in that they are invariably hideous and clearly unfit for anything other than stockpiling extra fabric for sewing together a sail in case of abandonment in an ocean.  The "invariably hideous" factor is key to trendy pants, because whether they be checkered, tie-dyed, a blinding shade of neon, or these monstrosities, this category of pants causes the wearer shame in future years.

Overalls don't count as pants, and polar bears are still awesome.