Apparently horses don't like to be named. Except for ponies. They dig that crap.

So I went to prom, but not at my school. Which is weird. Because I'm about the last person on earth who would ever go to a prom. I'm so anti-prom, it's insane. And surprisingly, there was no disaster. I did not die. The world did not collapse. Even the heels of death that I had to wear didn't kill me. (I had to wear heels. The guy I went with is related to skyscrapers, I'm pretty positive.)

My "prom group" ate at this fancy Italian restaurant, and no one could remember its name, but they thought it was something like Biotch-y's. Which sounded both delicious and family friendly. P.S. It was Biaggi's. Whatever, you'll always be Biotch-y's to me, Biaggi's.

Anyway, while we were there, this friendly waitress informed me that she graduated from East High, and oh my goodness MEGAN DON'T YOU LOVE EAST?? And I was all "oh...yay...go leopards." and she got sort of excited. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I hate high school with the flaming heat of a thousand passionate suns. So instead I just thought of kickboxing flamingos, because that always makes me smile, and she seemed to think I was just reflecting on my grand and happy time at East. Good to know I enriched a life. I bet she wishes she were me. Probably, anyway. Except maybe not because I was wearing death trap heels, and if I were someone else, I would be all "NUH UH NOT WORTH IT."

And then I didn't get to try on scuba diving equipment. But whatever, it's not like I even care.
(I so care...do you have scuba diving equipment? Can I borrow it?)

BUT WAIT!

Prom was located at the Utah State Capitol and no one tried to arrest me. Either they didn't recognize me as that girl who once tried to be the Supreme Dictator of the State of Utah, or they were instructed to let me run amok because of my Jedi abilities.  For some reason.

Rich the news man was not there. He must have been busy.

When we first arrived, the Utah State Capitol Official High School Representative Administrator Woman told my date, Tyler, to spit out his gum, and we had a really long, really awkward conversation about it. And she kept looking at him expectantly, and Tyler was all "um I'll spit it out later." Well good 'ol USCOHSRA Woman wasn't down with that, and she kept doing that horrible adult thing and said "Oh but look at your lovely date! She's so lovely and beautiful! Your gum is making her look bad!" And I almost laughed, but I didn't so don't worry. I do have some self control. Also, when I get into awkward situations, I like to imagine that I'm captain of a pirate boat deciding which of my companions is disposable and should therefore walk the plank, because I have limited funds and the failing economy is really hitting me badly, and if I ever want to upgrade to a ship, I need to kill off a few of the mateys I have to split my pirate booty with. It keeps my mind off of the general "Well this is a terrible situation"-ness of things.


I wasn't even the clumsiest one at the dance. Tyler spilled water from the water jug all over the table and floor, and then he walked away, and we both watched as the teachers cleaned up his mess. He looked guilty. I looked worried. Why? Because! All the supervision was busy dealing with a water jug crisis! ANYTHING COULD HAVE HAPPENED WHILE THEY WERE MOPPING UP. People could have died, you guys. You can imagine what it was like.

Teenage horde: Let's behave!
Adult: OH MY GOODNESS LOOK AT THAT WATER SPILL! Quick, Angela, you get a towel, I'll turn off the water flow, and George, you go make sure there's still peanut brittle left in the kitchen, because I'm hungry. The rest of you stand and watch the water jug. ADULT SUPERVISION SQUAD, BREAK!
Teenage horde: Let's dance provocatively!
Adult: It's not drying, for Pete's sake! IT'S JUST NOT DRYING! Somebody get a mop and a hairdryer!
Teenage horde: Let's chew gum loudly!
Adult: It's like the gosh darn Titanic in here!
Teenage Horde: We're going to eat too many cookies and drink too many Redbulls!

And by the time the adults realized what was going on, it was too late and all those kids were NEVER going to fall asleep and would be really grumpy the next morning, and it was all Tyler's fault.

Pretty much the most "Megan is socially unacceptable" part of the night was when I fell asleep at the after-activity, which was supposed to be a movie night, and started crying when my buddy pals tried to wake me up. It went a little something like this.

Austin(not my date): Megan, what movie do you want to watch?
Me: (SILENCE)
Austin: She's sleeping. (Pokes me) Hey...time for school.
Me: UGHHHH gurgle UGHHH
Austin: (giggle) HEY TIME FOR SCHOOL YOU'RE LATE!
Me: (Whimper) Noooo shhh.
Austin: (giggle giggle) WAKE UP!
Me: (sit up, tears running down my face) STOP! I'M NOT GOING! (sob, fall back asleep)
Tyler (is my date):...poke her again.

And that's pretty much verbatim.

But I haven't even gotten into the best part.

Before any of this, something ridiculous happened. I rode a horse. And I was terrified. I rode TWO horses. Not at the same time, although that would have been awesome. But both horses tried to kill me. Not kidding, they started running around like maniacs the second I got on. And it was only for me, no one else was almost horse-mauled. Everyone laughed because apparently my fear noise sounds like dying horses. My friends are awesome. If I had a camera, I could show you guys pictures. Instead, I'll have to wait for my buddy pals to send me pictures.

So the first horse was short-ish and I only sort of had to hobbit-scramble onto it. I named it Crazy Killerpants Hitler, because it was horrible. And the horse trainer woman kept yelling "Don't pull the reins back so far, it needs head room!" and I was like...YEAH RIGHT. Because if it had head room, it would twist its head around and kill me with its mouth. And um, yeah, I'm not going to die of horse mouth, thank you very much, horse trainer woman. Then I got off and cried a little, because Crazy Killerpants Hitler wanted me dead. For real, guys. I could smell it. She kept randomly shaking her head so hard I though I was going to fly off and get trampled into the mud. Mud that was covered in horse excrement. Which is 3rd on my list of "Horrible Ways to Die" right after watching a 34 hour marathon of the Hills and eating melted cheese until exploding.

So then the horse woman was all "oh try this horse, she's the one we let little kids ride!" Really? They let the kids ride her? Because she was horrible, WAY worse than before. And I knew, because that wasn't my first rodeo. My first rodeo was approximately five minutes before that, and Crazy Killerpants Hitler taught me enough about horses to last me for forever and three years on the side. But because I'm brave, I decided to give it a shot. So I mounted a calm looking brown horse with a name that had to do with flowers. I think. It could have been more related to nuclear warfare. I confuse the two a lot. So anyways, I'm just trotting along on flower nuclear warfare horse, when the horse is all "I HAVE THE SUDDEN DESIRE TO KILL THE SMALL TERRIFIED CHICK IN MY SADDLE. LET'S DO THIS." and suddenly she's running towards a gate and a tree and I gave out some kind of unintelligible siren scream. And horse woman is all "PULL BACK ON THE REINS!" and I'm all "YOU SHOULDN'T LET KIDS RIDE THIS THING!" and I took back the name I had been considering calling her (Sunnny Sparkles Supreme) and instead her name is Deathray Julius.

I hate horses so much. Unless I'm not riding them. Then I just dislike them immensely. Except for the baby pony that I saw. It kept trying to eat my sleeve. He's called Webster Adorable.

I'm surprised she still talks to me, but not really because who wouldn't want to be friends with a super hero? Exactly.

Spring Break means everyone is out of town for a week, including my friend Morgan. While she's having a grand ole' time in California, I'm in ...West Jordan...AWESOME.

(Arguably Morgan might not be having an awesome time because of the earthquake, but ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? An earthquake would be super awesome. As long as I didn't die. Or lose a limb. Fingers are okay, though.)



Morgan: So what are you up to today?

Megan: Well nothing that is too interesting.

Megan: I might make some potstickers.

Megan: Maybe I'll give the dogs a bath.

Megan: Unless disaster befalls the city, in which case I'll put on my supersuit and save the word.

Megan: ....world.

Megan: Not word...

Megan: Although I could save a word, if the need arised.

Megan: Arose?

Megan: Arose.

Megan: Arised isn't a word.

Megan: ZOMG I'M GOING TO SAVE THE WORD ARISED.

Morgan: ok.

Megan: ...don't judge me.



I imagine she read that a couple of times, shaking her head and wondering how much sleep I got last night.

The answer? NONE.



Updated: Be aware, because this is probably going to be me.

I don't know why I haven't been elected yet

For my U.S. Government class, we went to the Utah State Capitol, which I'm pretty sure is a Capitol as opposed to a Capital. Although it has Capitals in it. I could be wrong, it's just never happened before.

So anyway, I thought that maybe this would be my opportunity to seize the power that should, by all rights, be mine. I figured it wouldn't be too hard to slip myself into some bill as the "Supreme Dictator of the State of Utah," but guess what guys, there are RAILS (LIKE SAFETY RAILS) AROUND THE BILL VOTING AREA. I think those areas are called the Senate and the House. Whatever.  But seriously, it's like they don't want me to write myself into a bill as a dictator.

I had to compensate somehow, so I entertained myself by having my friend Michael take pictures of me sitting in places I wasn't allowed in. Also, there were sombreros involved. And I met a guy who works for a news station, and we're now BFF's. So, yeah, I'm kind of important, almost better than the Supreme Dictator of the State of Utah.

At one point, Michael said he'd pay me a dollar if I ran away from our tour guide and up the stairs to touch the Senate door. Which I did, and I still don't have my dollar. And the teacher watched me run all the way up the stairs like "oh no, here we go," and it was awesome.


This is me sitting on a table I wasn't supposed to be sitting on. The tour guide caught me and gave me a sour look. Apparently we were in the governor's office. The governor really needs more comfortable tables.


This is me climbing on a pillar I wasn't supposed to be climbing on but the tour guide wasn't very tall or loud so I couldn't see her or hear her, so really, this is me trying to be a good student. It's not my fault if I have to climb on forbidden pillars in order to learn.


This is me sitting on a very fancy chair at the head of a very fancy table in a very fancy reception room reserved for special guests because all this fancy furniture is very expensive.

My favorite part were the golden cherubs decorating the ceiling. See, I thought cherubs were tacky, but since they're in the Utah State Capitol, I guess cherubs are alright by me. If I ever live in a mansion, I'm going to commission a dozen golden cherub ceilings. Cherubs for everyone!

Anyway, I wasn't supposed to be sitting in this chair, but I sneaked onto it after the guide turned away and Michael was just about to take a picture when some kid was all "HEY is she allowed to do that??" and I almost punched him in the mouth with my brain. But I didn't, because the Jedi believe in peace. So the tour guide sort of got this horrified look on her face and didn't say anything for a very tense moment. Then she was all "Um...I guess..." but I think since it was already too late, she realized she had no choice. Or perhaps the tour guide understood that the powers of the force aren't to be trifled with. She needs to have a serious conversation with the kid who tried to get me in trouble.


After that incident, I think I did pretty well, behavior-wise. At one point I saw a bunch of people in sombreros and I was all "...Michael...I really want a picture with them."  The above picture is photographic evidence that sombreros were in fact involved in my visit.

I don't really know what the sombrero people were doing at the Utah State Capitol. They probably heard about the cherubs.


The capitol was swarming with reporters and cameras and stuff but I didn't really notice until Michael was all "Want a picture with a news guy?" and I was all "DO I?!?!" which means yes. So I sidled up next to this guy, who had a lovely purple tie. Michael asked if he could take a picture of us together, and the guy was all "Um...really?" and because I'm brilliant, my witty reply was "Yes. I like your purple tie." At that point, purple-tie-man just sort of stared at me and said "Okay I guess." But not in a rude way. More of like in a "this-strange-girl-just-showed-up-beside-me-and-wants-a-picture-with-my-tie" kind of way. Actually, he was very nice and gave us his full attention. So purple-tie-man and I kind of awkwardly smiled and Michael snapped a picture and then the purple-tie-man shook my hand and said "I'm Rich, by the way" and apparently Rich is really Richard Piatt who works for KSL news. So, yeah, that's me rubbing shoulders with important people, guys. And if you go here you can read his bio on KSL's website, where he hasn't mentioned me, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

Behind me there's a press conference going on. I can only assume that all those people were there because they'd heard I'd be at the capitol trying to assert myself as Supreme Dictator of the State of Utah. Unfortunately, my tour guide, teacher, and fellow classmates weren't of the same opinion, so I never went and made my prepared speech. It was a disappointment to the entire news community. Sorry, Rich. I tried, buddy.

On the bus ride back, I happened to be sitting next to the emergency escape door, and did you know that when you open that thing an alarm goes off? Cause I didn't. Michael made me do it.

I don't have a title for this post unless you count "maybe I should call a priest" as a valid title, and most people don't. I think.

My dog Sam finally got shaved, which I think is pretty good because it was starting to look like I was walking the end of a mop. Just kidding, I never walk my dog. Is that bad? Should I walk my dog? Wouldn't he prefer to run free in the backyard? I don't like the whole dog walking concept because it inadvertently forces me to exercise and get fresh air and enjoy sunshine, which are the three things I shun. ...Not really. But seriously though. I don't want to walk him.

Anyways he looks like this now:

And also like this:



Except his eyes look like a devil/demon so I don't know maybe I should call a priest? Guys if there's a demon/devil thing living in my dog, I won't stand for that crap. Especially cause Sam is the good dog. And then there's the bad dog, whose name is Jacques. But honestly, if my name were Jacques, I'd misbehave too. And bite people and small children. And pee on couches.

I tried just now to take a picture of Jacques but it was really hard because he's the bad dog so he won't do anything I tell him to. Like "come here" or "sit still" or "go make me a sandwich".

So this is Jacques:




(Not my foot)

So that's the bad dog. I had to chase him and yell his name for like ten minutes to get that shot.

In the interest of being fair, here's one more of Sam, because I VALUE FAIRNESS.




Since I know the world is extremely interested in pictures of my dogs, I consider this a service to you. A service that demonstrates how pathetic I am. Except there are a lot more pathetic things I could be into, so technically this is a triumph over pathetic-ness, so I'm gonna go ahead and pat myself of the back, because this falls into the category of awesome pathetic-ness.

On an unrelated note, I got a sweet Rugrats T-shirt. My favorite episode was when they went to a medieval fair and fought the dragon. After that I was all what the heck mom, why don't we go to medieval fairs? And she still hasn't answered me. I totally would still go.

My eyes kind of look scary too.......priest?

Call me Albert, cause I'm about to discover the law of photoelectric effect

Matt: You cannot have a blog and not update it. Why am I following you if you don't post?

Me: Because I would blog about people and HOW CAN I BLOG ABOUT PEOPLE WHEN THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE BLOGGED ABOUT? That, and I'm lazy. And...it appears that I have a fondness for caps today...CAPS.

Matt: Well then, blog about something else. Persevere. In the name of science!

Me: Shall I blog about science?

Matt: Certainly, the science of properly applying eye makeup, as was so thoroughly explained to me on Saturday.

Me: There's science, then there's stuff people actually care about. Eye makeup falls under the latter.

Then I told him he was giving me license to blog about him, because he was talking about my blog. He told me that there's nothing to say about him and more to say about the rivalry between my dogs. How am I supposed to blog about science and canine diplomacy? I guess I could try to do something scientific-like with my dogs. Like make them sit in a tub of water and measure the meniscus or whatever.

What's a meniscus? Is meniscus a word, or did I make that up? Pretty sure that word appeared in my education somewhere. Whatever. I'm going to measure my dogs' meniscuses...

Meniscusi?
Meniscusises?
Menisci?
Apparently the plural for meniscus is menisci, cause there's no squiggly red line under it.

...

MENISCI. I just taught you a science word and made you seriously consider dog relations for the first time. You're welcome.

My feud with The Universe Pt. 1

The Universe: Good morning, Megan. There's snow outside, your dog is dead, and you just lost three million on the stock market.

Well. The first one is true.