Monday, September 19, 2016

This is why I don't craft, or write tutorials, or handle hot glue.

If you know me you know just how very *~CrAfTy~* I am. I love crafting with my daughter: giving her stickers and telling her to go play, giving her crayons and telling her to go play, sometimes even giving her glitter glue and telling her to go play when I'm feeling particularly desperate to be left alone for three seconds. See? CRAFTY.

So the other day I was at Target (which is basically where I always am) and I saw a sort of cute Halloween wreath. Normally I would chuck it in my shopping cart and call it good but lo, not on this day. On this day, I was struck with a thought: I can make a cuter wreath. And it would be cheaper! This one is twenty bucks! I can DIY it and make it for PENNIES compared to that! Probably. I don't actually know, but Pinterest will. It was at this point that I ventured into Pinterest, and that website is essentially a collection of unrealistic projects presented through a lens of can-do attitude. "You can do this! All it takes is yarn, glue, and a little love!" And I started thinking, hey, I have yarn and glue! My heart is cold and dead but glue, I have.

The wreath itself turned out pretty cute:

So fancy. Much impressive.

Pinterest also inspired me to make a little guide to help others on their crafting adventures, because Pinterest is just chock full of cute stay at home moms wearing a size two and wielding glue guns with a finesse that I didn't know was possible in the world of crafting, and I REALLY WANT TO JOIN THIS CLUB. So without further ado...

What you'll need:

-A foam wreath
-A glue gun
-A lobotomy, depending on the number of kids in your home
-Extra glitter for your two year old to throw at the dog
-Black paint--make sure it's black so that you'll never get it off of your white dining room table
-Decorative items of your choice
-A wooden cut out in a spooky Halloween theme
-Clothing you don't mind getting really sweaty
-Coke. You'll need it. But do I mean the delightful beverage or the hard drug? It's a mystery!!
(I mean the drink. Please don't call CPS.)

If you're like me, you may have a half empty bottle of glitter in a drawer somewhere, and you may search your house for 40 minutes before deciding to just head to Hobby Lobby. Bonus points if you decide to bring your two year old and three week old! LIGHTNING BONUS POINTS if it's your first outing with both kids on your own! You can go to any craft store, but I like Hobby Lobby because the carts are tiny and designed to simulate the seventh circle of Hell while you navigate the tiny aisles with a whining toddler.

I recommend bribing the toddler with M&Ms. I also recommend opening the M&Ms in the middle of the store, begging your kid not to spill them, and then practicing your deep breathing when you hear the cascade of flying M&Ms behind you exactly 3.6 seconds later. Crafting is relaxing so you'll want to increase your stress levels to maximum before starting your wreath. If you can induce a tantrum in the checkout lane by refusing to buy a Nemo piggy bank while your newborn screams bloody murder, you'll have LOTS of relaxation to look forward to. Just, so so much.

Oh also, you'll spend like two and a half times more than the stupid Target wreath would have cost, but at this point you've COMMITTED so it's really too late to back out.

Now that you have your supplies, it's time to begin!

Step 1:

Using your extremely hot glue gun, glue a piece of yarn onto your foam wreath randomly. Look at the Pinterest tutorial and realize you glued your yarn incorrectly. Quickly remove the yarn, burning your finger on the aforementioned extremely hot glue gun. Begin to cuss before realizing that your two year old is staring at you intently. Feel a sense of foreboding that she's no longer watching Bubble Guppies and has focused her attention on your relaxing crafting corner. Slowly move the glitter behind your back.

Step 2:

Wrap the yarn around the wreath, like, 2 million times. Get super annoyed that it's taking so long to wrap this stupid wreath with yarn and consider just leaving half of it unwrapped, especially because you are having a really difficult time wrapping yarn while simultaneously nursing a baby and playing "Doc McStuffins princess tea party check up" with your two year old...over and over again.

Step 3: 

After two days of yarn wrapping, give in and let your toddler play on your iPad for like two hours straight while you CRAFT RELAXINGLY. THIS IS FUN AND RELAXING, DANGIT. Finally finish wrapping, and secure the yarn with more hot glue, which ends up on your fingers again because it seems like a good idea to push the yarn directly into the bubbling hot glue with your unprotected fingers. Thumbs up to you.

Step 4:

Utilize nap time to paint your wooden sign. Prepare your paint, get out your brush, break out the glitter, neglect the pile of laundry that desperately needs washing in order for your husband to have pants to wear to work tomorrow, and begin painting and glittering. Get about halfway done before your kids both wake up waaaaay earlier than they usually do. At this point, you can't move your wet paint project so you'll need to accept that the two year old is going to see paint and glitter. So you'll need to simultaneously work on your crafting, and guide your kid through painting her own project with as little mess as possible. You'll probably also need to strap your baby to your chest because chances are she's going to cry nonstop if you aren't bouncing her up and down and enveloping her with your body warmth. Babies are needy like that.

Wow, Ava, that's beautiful. No, NO! STOP EATING THE PAINT.

Step 5: 

Once your crafting area is an utter disaster, get annoyed that this project is taking 3 days and bribe your kid with a bowl of sprinkles and an otter pop to get her to leave you alone for one nanosecond. Haphazardly glue the wooden sign to the back of the wreath, hoping that it won't just fall off because it really won't be attached that well since you sort of made this part up and Pinterest isn't there to help you.

She's really cute but that otter pop is about to become a stain on my couch.

Step 6:

Arrange your cute little decorations on your wreath. Note that you'll only use like 5 of these, but you'll have to buy a package with about 50. Spend 20 minutes staring at your configuration wondering if it looks better with a felt spider a centimeter this way or that way before being like OH WHATEVER and just gluing them down randomly because this is taking way too long and your kid has started making sprinkle and popsicle soup and you should probably stop that before it goes too far even though that sounds delicious. Attach a ribbon to your wreath and hang it up outside. Take 17 pictures of it because you worked hard and you need to instagram this ASAP.

This photo is not artful enough for instagram, so there's really no point to it at all, right?

Congratulations, you're done! At this point, take a blood oath to never ever make your own stupid decor project again. I also decided to hand my wreath in September because after that much effort, it needs to be appreciated. In fact, I'm seriously considering inviting people over just so they can compliment my dumb wreath. I plan to yell "APPRECIATE MY WREATH" through the door before allowing anyone inside of my home for the next month and a half. Then I'll probably hang it up above my  dining room table for the rest of time because this is as much as I ever intend to do.

From here on out it's the Target dollar section for me.


  1. This is hilarious. Totally worth reading while Ethan's at school and I could read from my book with my free time. I usually regret this sort of thing. But no regrets here. Also, it's too bad we weren't neighbors for long. I feel like we're kindred spirits. Also, you're funny. --Lola

  2. This is knee slapping funny! I almost choked while reading with my mouth full of corn chips. Keep on crafting, you got talent, it turned out super cute!

  3. U have my dog Megan Nielsen please call me 3852337109


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