Sunday, August 7, 2011


I'm going to Florida on vacation for a few days.  On a scale of one to ten, how jelly are you?  (Not the fruit kind.  The jealous kind.)  It's 8, right?  I thought it would be.
Anyway, here is something to prove that I am still a living human being while I am gone!  Facebook Statii part deux.  Since I will be in an airplane and at the airport tomorrow, perhaps some crazy mishaps will result in another traveling story!  Or maybe I'll just finish the first one...YOU NEVER KNOW.  Miracles do happen, people. 
-A bee flew into my room. It is banging against the window, unable to find the open half. What an idiot. However, I now have to decide whether it is more important to protect my room from the pouring rain or get the killer death insect outside. I'll probably just end up falling asleep.
-Don't pretend like you never wanted to be a marine biologist. Every kid wanted to be a marine biologist.
-When I die I want you guys to cremate me. Then shove my remains into a bunch of shotgun shells and use me to fight crime. Okay? Either that, or I want to be made into a firework.
-My problem is that I don't ever want to go to bed. And then I don't ever want to get out of bed. So....
-The surest way to get me to touch something expensive or fragile is to put a "do not touch" sign up.
-I cannot sleep because my brain is pissed at being awake. Makes sense.
-Ways to impress a hobbit number 14: climb over things.
-Looking at the Super Moon:
"Wow that is super bright"
-Sprite and Costco cookies for everyone!!! #PartyLikeReliefSociety
-Tavia's Words of Wisdom: Obama, please make a law that says people can't call me a freak.
-Tavia: "We can only have three ounces of liquid through airport security. The terrorists have won."
Me: "...Why are they letting the terrorists have one of anything?? Wait, WHY ARE THEY LETTING THE TERRORISTS ON PLANES?!?!"
-I drank a lot of caffeine. Also, I'm getting married. Please RSVP so that I know how many chicken nuggets to order for the reception.
-My finger is stuck in the plastic wrap part that is supposed to go around the chapstick lid. Huh. Didn't expect that.
-I am unabashedly and somewhat disturbingly interested in all of your relationships.
-NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. EXCEPT FOR FRODO. But he's a whiny brat, so that's disheartening.
-I would never PURPOSELY jump out my window, but if it ever happened accidentally then I bet Hayward would feel bad and he would kiss me. So if it ever happens on accident and I don't die, I have something to look forward to.
-I ate like 20 gummy bear vitamins. Am I going to die?
-I have elbows.
-Mentally reviewing my debilitating list of embarrassing moments. They're all just as humiliating in retrospect.
-I don't even know what that means but I disagree completely.
-Girl just knocked on my door:
Girl: I have a presentation.
Me: ...Okay.
Girl: (Talks about cellular respiration and photosynthesis for ten minutes using a chart filled with complicated illustrations.)
Me: Oh. Awesome.
Girl: Okay. Have a nice day.
Me: ...Kay bye.
-It takes talent to so thoroughly deny the obvious. And let me tell you, I am talented.
-I like to say things, especially if I haven't thought about them first.
-Tavia: "Is this a remix?"
Me: "I don't know I'm watching a video of a dog taking a bath."
-It's like speaking to a brick wall. Or a small child. A very young wall made of bricks and children.
-I want to be inside your personal space.
-Tavia's Words of Wisdom: "You can buy a flamethrower for 230 dollars. Actually, 229.99."
-I wish Facebook was more specific: "Sarah is now friends with Mary because she wants to go through all of Mary's pictures and convince herself that Nick is crazy to date her because Mary is totally not that hot."
-Never look up symptoms online. So far I've found that I have Swine Flu, breast cancer, Lyme Disease, and a cerebrospinal fluid leak.
-I am singing the pokemon theme song VERY passionately. This feels right.
-I resisted the urge to buy chocolate at the vending machine for 25 minutes. I decided to reward myself for my perseverance by buying myself two chocolate bars at the vending machine. I'm teaching myself self-control with positive reinforcement.
-I fail at consistency so much that sometimes I even win at consistency.
-Furiously trying to memorize the Pokemon Rap. I'm pretty sure this is a sign that I need a hobby.
-Just googled nine times seven. I'm a sad excuse for a human being.
-Oh you're sorry? We'll see how sorry you really are. Give me your monetary resources.
-I have serious issues with this whole "keeping FAQ/ABOUT/CONTACT" pages current. I'm going to post the words "Salami makes people happy" on all of those pages and call it good.
-I'm rooting for you, really. It's just that your failure is really funny.
-The bottom of my bowl says it's not microwave safe. Whatever, bowl, you don't own me.
-What I should be doing: writing a rhetorical analysis paper. What I am doing: taking a quiz to find out which mythical creature I am. Oh boy!
-I wish I were half as deep as everyone else thinks they are.
-Coke for breakfast. But it's okay because it's caffeine free coke, so basically it's like juice.
-Sometimes my brain says to me "Hey, you're never going to be successful if you don't actually post on your blog" and I say "Well, brain, if you weren't so easily distracted..." and my brain says "SILENCE! Let's think about space pirates" and I'm all "THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT."
-I bought juice. I cannot open the juice. Conspiracy.
-If you like free food, you should read my blog. I'm not really giving away free food, but I like free food too, so I assume we have something in common.
-September resolution: have eyelashes and fingernails. DONE. I'm freakin' accomplished.
-"Do you remember me?! I haven't seen you since you were a baby!" ...Of course I remember you. Good thing I was a super intelligent memory advanced baby or you would look really stupid right now.
-Sometimes I look back and I'm all "...oh dang. In retrospect, maybe that wasn't such a good idea. Oh well. I wonder if we have dinosaur chicken nuggets in the freezer."
-New law: if you find any gold, it's mine.
-Nothing feels better than showering after a week of camping. Except maybe showering after two weeks of camping, but I'll never know because I would NEVER go camping for two weeks.
-I love posting my most personal, emotional struggles on facebook. It's very private, kind of like a virtual diary! And the best part is it's only accessible to 686 friends!
-The perfect Ramen isn't made on a stove. It's made in your heart.
-A friend of mine informed me that my status updates make me seem weird. If the only thing that makes me seem weird are my status updates, I think I'm doing pretty well.
-Google has a sad lack of scorpion puns. I checked.
-My life is exactly like a romantic comedy, except without the romance, or the comedy parts.
-I've worked out TWICE in a row. I had better wake up smokin' hot tomorrow, or SO HELP ME...
-A psycho stalker AND freezing rain? Oh boy, Christmas has come early this year!
-My shampoo spells amazing. I think it's made out of fairies.
-You know when you finish a project, and you spent a ton of time on it, and you're super proud, and then you show people and you're all "LOOK HOW AWESOME" and they're all "yeah cool" but they don't really care because it's not their project, and then you're all "whatever, screw you guys"? Well yeah. Screw you guys, this project is the bomb-tastic.
-Apparently her name is K-e-dollarsign-h-a, not K-dollarsign-s-h-a. Sorry, girl. The procunciation of the dollarsign throws me off.
-If I could punch pop culture in the eye, I would. And then I would hug it and tell it I was sorry, but I wouldn't mean it, and I'd probably get drunk the next night and punch it again. Because that's how I feel about pop culture.
-I almost punched him in the mouth with my brain. But I didn't, because the Jedi believe in peace.
-Oh Elton John. I wish you were here. You'd know what to do.
-My thought process goes from "man I should be doing homework" to "How many internet contests would I have to win in order to get Obama to make a guest appearance on my blog?"
-I know I'm full...I mean really full...but there's cake and I'm bored.


  1. By the way, this is me RSVPing for your wedding.

    That's all the comment I have. I'm sorry it's not better.

  2. I was thinking about posting
    "That port-a-potty will always have a special place in my heart" on facebook.
    and then I thought, "That sounds like something that megan would say." and I didn't post it cuz I had just posted something else and I feel weird when i update my status all the time.
    and I laughed a lot on this one.

  3. -It's like speaking to a brick wall. Or a small child. A very young wall made of bricks and children.

    That is the best line. Ever.

  4. You're amazing. you think..?
    Except the part about the Unicorns. Change it to alien fairies or something. Am I annoying? Probably.

  5. Where are you when I stare at the stupid blank space that says "What's on your mind?" and gain a headache from trying to come up with something... I'm pathetic.

  6. I want to come to your wedding but I don't want any chicken nuggets. Will you be serving vegetarian items???


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