Thursday, August 4, 2011

It's surprising that I don't have more friends than I do.

Sometimes I sit in front of my computer for a while and it makes me say idiotic things.  These things manifest themselves in my Facebook statuses.  Oh, that sounded weird.  Facebook stati?  Statii?  Capitalization, maybe?

Facebook Statii.  Yeah, that looks about right.  Anyway, if you read all of these you will notice that I am a brat and also I think I'm incredibly clever.  Feel free to use any of these Statii, so long as you cite me and send me a royalty check every week or so.  I'm flexible.

Enjoy.  I will write a real post about how I suck at music, complete with fancy drawings. BEGIN!:


-I'm going to steal my neighbor's mail because I'm in a bad mood. But I'm not going to open it, because that would be a felony. Also, I'm going to return it 2-5 minutes later. Ha!

-I really enjoy being an insufferable know it all.

-I like to stand out in the rain. But not because I'm deep, more because I'm an idiot.
  
-Look, I don't judge, but you're entirely wrong. And I'm right. And also you're ugly. And you have weird hair.

-Hey, race car guy, I can hear you driving your race car outside my window in a suburb and I just want you to know that shut up.


-I wish facebook would tell me who is actually online. Or give me a million dollars. I'd be happy with either.
  
-Hey look at my status.
  
-The doctor says I'm going to live. Whatever, doctor. Clearly you've never had a migraine before.
  
-I wonder sometimes if my actions are actually consistent with my personality or if they're just a product of sleep deprivation.

-"Have you ever made anything happen, anything you couldn't explain?" 
"Well, my hair IS quite unruly..."
  
-I've spent the last hour trying to figure out where I can live without dying of poisonous animals. Apparently, no matter where I go I am going to be murdered by demon spiders. Also, Australia is a land of horrors. Never go there.
  
-Happy birthday, George Washington. And Abraham Lincoln. And Walker Texas Ranger. And also America.
  
-"Conceded" and "conceited" are not the same thing. You're welcome.
  
-Who else is going to Kid Cudi? I'm going, because I like to go to concerts when I don't know the words to any of the songs.
  
-A search that found my blog: "People legitimately don't like me" and I'm all OH HONEY. You must be in high school. I'm so sorry.

-"Your cute." 
...My...cute? My...WHAT?!?!
-Rain outside+watching that one scene from the Hunchback of Notre Dame where Esmerelda sings "God Help the Outcasts" in the cathedral=me sobbing uncontrollably. I'm embarrassing to myself.
-"Why aren't you wearing pants?"
"Why ARE you wearing pants?"
-I don't have insomnia, I just don't allow myself to go to sleep because I need to update my status regularly. Otherwise you wouldn't know all the details of my life. You're welcome.
 -My face hurts on the inside.
-...Everyone needs to stop getting engaged without telling me. You may get engaged if I am aware. OTHER THAN THAT, NO. I INSIST ON KNOWING ALL THE INTIMATE DETAILS OF YOUR LIFE.
 -Blogging means that you constantly get spam emails with this in the subject line: "MY HEART CHOOSEN TO BLESS YOU."
-AM I CLOGGING UP YOUR NEWSFEED YET??
-I have done absolutely nothing of any value today. I'm not sure if I'm overtly pleased with myself or if I'm experiencing self-loathing.
-Actually, I think my body is just rebelling. I imagine that it was all, "WTF is this, Megan? Seriously? MORE french fries? What about an apple every once in a while? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT AN APPLE IS? Could you maybe throw a couple vitamins my way occasionally? IDIOT."
-I really don't think I've been up this early since way back when I actually cared about being to time on school. So, like, the first three weeks of senior year.
-By this point I seriously doubt the existence of global warming, but if it will help Summer come any faster I will buy 300 aerosol cans of hairspray and empty them into the atmosphere myself.
-I'm going to go through and systematically like a bunch of three week old statuses. That way I can remind you all just how much of a creeper I really am.
-Sometimes I re-post a status I've already used if I think it needs reiterating.
-Sometimes I re-post a status I've already used if I think it needs reiterating.
-Playing Super Smash 64 with Ryan, who is playing as Captain Falcon.
Me: You are stupid.
Ryan: No, I'm CAPTAIN stupid.
-I love my momma, who happens to be in Hawaii getting tan and swimming with dolphins and, like, whatever else you do in Hawaii. Worship volcanoes? Yeah. My mom is worshiping volcanoes today. Happy Mother's Day!
-"Megan is a really awesome girl. -Aristotle"
-Hey guys. I just wanted to let you know that Osama Bin Laden is dead. You heard it here first.
-It's completely silent in my neighborhood. I don't think my neighbors read my status. I'm going to run up and down the street yelling "USA! USA!" and then set fire to an Osama-shaped pile of leaves. That ought to do it.
-Like my status and I'll tell you absolutely nothing of value. But I might tell you what time it is, so there's that incentive.
-I don't know half of you people.
 
Huh.   That was a lot of Statii.  Oh well, now you all know exactly what kind of a human being I am.  THAT.  I'm THAT kind of human being, guys. I'll post more Statii later.  MORE STATII, YOU SAY?  Yes.  More Statii.
 

5 comments:

  1. The Latin plural of status is actually status. Which is funny to me, cause if I were to say, "I liked all your status", that just sounds like I have no grasp on the English language much to the tune of "All your base are belong to us."

    -Blogging means that you constantly get spam emails with this in the subject line: "MY HEART CHOOSEN TO BLESS YOU."

    I didn't realize this going in, and was like, 'TEN THOUSAND NEW COMMENTS?! Yesss"... spammers turn out to be the best trollers :<

    ReplyDelete
  2. People always get engaged without telling me! It makes me sad when I'm reduced to liking their changed relationship status… *tear*

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm horrible at updating facebook statii. Statuses Stati. Statusi.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I <3 your blog.
    Thats right, less than three!

    And your status/statii are waay-hay-hay more entertaining than any that ever clog up my newsfeed.

    ReplyDelete
  5. OMG Megan, you're hilarious! My sister is getting annoyed at me for reading all your posts out loud. I'm seriously printing some of these out and putting them on my dorm wall. K?

    Especially:
    -I wonder sometimes if my actions are actually consistent with my personality or if they're just a product of sleep deprivation.

    Ah, that one. That is me. Status-fied.

    ReplyDelete

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