Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Talking to me is dangerous because there's a good chance I'll blog about it.

My friend Carmen and I like to talk about anything other than the homework we are supposed to be completing.  One night, however, I texted her, asking about an essay for American Heritage in which we are supposed to discuss the Electoral College system.  This conversation (predictably) devolved into rabies and sandwiches.  It's like she doesn't even want to write an essay.

Carmen: Huzzah. It’s easier to write good about popular vote. And the more I learned about it, the more it makes sense. What’s wrong with our country?

Megan: Communism and rapists. And overpriced chip bags that are half chip-flavored oxygen. That’s what’s wrong with this country.

Carmen: Yeah YEAH! And-and… and possums! I mean, WHAT?! Are they, like, actually a contributing factor to the betterment of our country?! Psh! … ahem.

Megan: No! They don’t do anything! Just like… children under seven! Children under seven are totally communists. All they do is nothing plus drool.

Carmen: Also, the huge waste of money on the production of wrist-stressing tambourines is like… a huge waste of money. Add a hand grip for crying out loud!

Megan: Yeah! And plus, house plants! Do you know how much good, all American tap water we waste on dumb house plants every day?? Probably at least ten gallons.

Carmen: And why in heavens name are there suddenly BIRDS everywhere? Everywhere! On trees, and cars, and telephone wires.. Isn’t there some sort of cautionary discipline they can implement? I’ve got calls to make and I don’t want a sparrow cutting them short.

Megan: The bird epidemic is almost as bad as all these stupid schools. Like ‘ooooh the kids are the future’ and ‘education is important’ and crap. Well whatever because they’re just all over the place and they don’t ever do anything. I’ve never had a school make me a sandwich. I fail to see the usefulness.

Carmen: I wish bakeries would have some sort of law that forces THEM to eat the stale pastries they fail to sell and try to shove down our throats anyways. 1. They didn’t sell so they must not be good. 2. They are stale so they must be worse than before.

Megan: 3. They must be full of rabies, or else the cashiers would have eaten them by now. I would have.


I think we've just identified every problem in this once-great nation.

8 comments:

  1. You're absolutely right about the house plants.

    They have no benefit for the world population at all.

    And about the bread...well, I say, "GENIUS."

    ReplyDelete
  2. I had an eerily similar conversation like this just two days ago!

    ReplyDelete
  3. YES YOU POSTED!!! And about the betterment of our education, I have posted an education reform package on my own blog. It involves clowns, afros, but unfortunately no sandwiches. But I'm not running for president anymore, so I guess it doesn't matter...

    ReplyDelete
  4. I agree, this world is effed up.

    Btw, house plants are green. That's the reason we care about them.

    ReplyDelete
  5. before i start, this has nothing to do with this post... but i wanted to comment somewhere...
    So i had a very important lit essay on hamlet i was preparing for. i ended up on sparknotes, then eventually sparklife, then your blog, where i read all the posts. in chronological order.
    but what about my very important lit essay? don't worry, i found the picture of polonius. helped a lot. "lolz, hamlet sucks, zomg" is a pretty good global statement, don't you think?

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm totally with you on the school thing. They don't even teach us Defense Against the Dark Arts! How stupid is that?

    ReplyDelete
  7. DEAR MEGAN: ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?

    ReplyDelete

Commenting on my blog prevents all types of cardiovascular diseases. Also, all other diseases. And it summons unicorns. So, really, why WOULDN'T you comment?