Saturday, October 8, 2011

A post about how much high school sucks and how important it is to be a decent human being.

When I was in high school, I used to be really, incredibly, insanely, and PAINFULLY jealous of other girls.  I was insecure and more than a little awkward.  I was a total dork but pretended to be into school dances and shopping for expensive dresses and gossiping.

And you know what?  I failed.  I failed hard.  I failed so hard, in fact, that I became absolutely silent at school.  Seriously, if one of these girls who I wanted to be friends with so much as talked to me, my brain would freeze up and I would try so so hard to think of anything to say.  Anything at all.

Hi, self.  It's me again.  Say something.  Anything.  Say that you agree.  Or like her shoes.  Or...I don't know.  Say "hi"?  That's acceptable, right?

And then I would try to say "hi" and it would come out as a nervous squeak and I would feel shame for the rest of the day.

I eventually became friends with all the boys because, well, boys are chill.  They play Halo.  They high five.  They don't feel the need to bash every person not within hearing range.  Being friends with boys in high school, though, means that every single girl is going to call you names.  Mean names, horrible names, and sometimes they're going to blame you for things you didn't do just because blaming you is easier than facing problems themselves. And sometimes they're going to do that in the middle of lunch in front of everyone and it's going to be accompanied by swear words and you're going to cry and get mascara all over your face.  And then you'll go sit in your car and cry some more for a few hours and wonder what's wrong with you and then you'll go back inside and pretend like nothing happened, because that's what you do when you're in high school.  And believe me, I feel for you. It's a complex, messed up system. 

High school was this miserable time for me.  But I learned some freaking important lessons. Such as...


Sometimes, life is a five year old's birthday party.

What do I mean by that?  Well, some days you're the pinata and some days you're the blind little kid dangerously swinging a baseball bat.  In high school, I think I focused a bit too much on my pinata days.  I was angry, SO angry at the people who gossiped about me, hurt me, pretended to be friends with me, humiliated me in front of classmates, ignored me when I was standing right there, and called me a slut every five seconds.  So angry, in fact, that I still would cry about it well after graduation.

Funny thing though.  It's hard to be angry about that sort of thing when you understand something.  I was the punching bag a lot in school, but I'm often the blindfolded kid too.  Sometimes, people are blind.  They hurt you and they hurt you a lot but they don't understand what they are doing.  They learn from hurting you.  But, you have to remember, you learned from hurting someone too at some point in your life.  We don't always get to be the victim, sometimes we're the bad guy and honestly, that's actually good for us.  A decent person will learn from it.


Those people are NOT worth your tears.

I spent a few really creepy hours on Facebook recently stalking some of the girls who I used to be so insanely jealous of.  You know how I felt?  I didn't feel better than them, or equal to them, or included or vindicated or anything.  I just felt free.  I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing.  I've embraced the Star Wars loving, video game playing, pokemon obsessed girl that I am and that is beyond awesome, you guys. 

When you're doing what you love to do, it's hard to be jealous of anyone, even the people you enjoy and respect.  It isn't about feeling superior.  It isn't about feeling like you're the bigger person.  It's just about being so happy with yourself that they can't do anything about it anymore.  They just become unworthy of your tears, not because they are bad or fail-tastic people, but just because it isn't worth your time to cry about it anymore.


It is so so so so important to be kind.

I've grown up and I'm not going to give a verbal butt-kicking to the next mean girl I encounter from those days.  But I know how it feels.  I know what it's like to dwell on painful, hurtful memories.  I get the anger, the resentment, the depression.  I understand what it's like to feel like there is something immensely wrong with you.  I know that there are certain memories that just won't unstick themselves from you and that you can't wish away no matter how hard you try.  That's why I never ever EVER want to make someone feel that way.

Promise yourself right now that you will never be that person.  Don't make someone feel worthless.  Don't let a lonely kid fall through the cracks.  Be everyone's friend.  Be everyone's support.  You don't know what someone's life is like in reality.  Remember that indifference can be just as painful as outright cruelty to someone who feels alone.

Don't let anyone look back at you and see only what you did to them.  Don't even let them look back and remember you as the person who stood by and watched.

In the words of Jesse Jackson, never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up.

30 comments:

  1. Sometimes I remember high school. Most of the time, though, I just remember that somebody gave me a piece of paper for finishing it, then I moved on to better things.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm in HS...and though I'm sort of the recluse, (but still sociable), I feel for you on the issue of girls...the're confusing, double their attitudes toward you(Honestly, I cant tell if one likes me or hates me; one moment she shuns my affection, and when that's gone, she hates me for it), and can tie mental around your head.

    I mean, If a guy's got a problem with you, he'll tell you, then if he's still got a problem, you two fight it out in the locker room. But with girls, theres the names, the hate groups, the gossip and backstabbing...They should go for politics...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Megan, I love you! I'm so glad we met at the drama competition and became the Megan club. You're one of the sweetest and most talented people I've had the fortune to meet. Always remember that the best you is the real you. <3 ya!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think it's okay to be not funny sometimes, especially when you're telling other people that life will go on. People can be real jerks sometimes, and it's hard not to want to just be jerks back.

    I'm sorry for all the pain they caused you in HS, Megan. You're a really lovely person, and it's totally unfair for you to have been hurt and lied about in the past.

    Thanks for this post. I needed to hear it. :]

    ReplyDelete
  5. As I recall, you were actually extremely popular.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is an awesome blog post. Period.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I definitely can relate to the you don't know what's going on in their life thing, even if it's someone you think you know well. I though my best friend was just being distant and didn't want to be friends anymore, but it turned out that she was having big family issues that she didn't want to talk about with anyone.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I've been out of high school for almost three years and let me tell ya, I have NO desire to see anyone from high school again, even my friends. Life's so different now. Filled with different people.
    High school is kinda just like a waiting game.

    ReplyDelete
  9. In the words of someone in an awesome book I recently read: "The opposite of love isn't hate. The opposite of love is when you don't freakin' give a damn."

    ReplyDelete
  10. "As I recall, you were actually extremely popular."

    At first I read this and was really surprised that anyone thought I was popular in high school. Kind of like "Whaaaa...?!" but then I thought about how my life must have looked to someone who wasn't very close to me.

    There was a lot that went on that would take a long huge post to explain. And I wouldn't write it and post it on the internet because as awful as it all was, I don't really want to expose certain people to public accusation.

    Rest assured, I was ostracized and miserable in school. Especially my junior and senior years when I decided to just read Star Wars books openly at lunch and stop pretending I cared about the color of my toenails.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I love this post and all of the comments. I had a very similar high school experience, but it's really comforting to know that it's over! I miss a few people, but I'm really fine without the characters that inhabited my high school playbook. The challenges remain, but it's nice to be able to look back and see that things can change and get better.

    ReplyDelete
  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  13. This is such an amazing post. I'm going through this exact same thing and can relate to all of this. Thank you so much :) Love peace and unicorns.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I LOVE YOU! I wish that I scooped you up and hugged you more during those years. We don't always know. Needlesstosay, you have been refined now and the girl you are turning out to be is STUNNING! Mwuaaaah!
    (P.S. From Gina)

    ReplyDelete
  15. This is great! I was such a bitch in hs but I also totally got my guts ripped out by the mean girls, too. I figure it all evens out in the end.

    ReplyDelete
  16. attention post much?

    ReplyDelete
  17. Some of the comments on this post make me sad... Just so you know, Megan Squared, I am a Sparkler who thinks you're absolutely terrific. I really respect what you have to say. I'm in HS right now, and I feel out of the dramatic, teenage HS loop.. because I know that all of the things you posted about are true. High School is not the real world, and popularity/acceptance there really aren't indicators of anything. Thanks for the post! ... and ignore the haters. :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. megan, this post was truly inspirational and although i expected something funny, i was not disappointed! #keep being awesome!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I think a lot of the people who are actually more than worth being around have gone through similar experiences. I think, just like all of those messed up, broken relationships you see very often in high school- at some point in our lives we need to go through that. So we don't turn out to be petty or ignorant or, you know...

    I mean, for me, I'm in a country where meritocracy is greatly focused upon. We take the 'O' Levels at an average age of 16 and go on to poly education or junior college (for two years). And if you happen to screw up this, you will suffer a lot, because, the lower end JCs, has very very little mature students. The level of ignorance here is amazingly bad.
    And if you end up in a class where there aren't any personalities, no one to joke about unicorns, or wackasses/cuteasses or make weird accents with. No one who enjoys singing, pranking people randomly. And they're bad at English (a first language in my country mind you) and speak in their second language and obsess about puke-worthy cheesiness in Koran Dramas. No one who bothers analyzing personalities or questioning the world around us.
    And they ostracize the one person who does, tries to influence them into caring a little more, and take bullying to indecent levels. Marginalize the people with actual personalities and some depth in them and suddenly, suddenly change, because two idiots have a crush on that one person. You can't forget, and it's just bloody amazing. Because, it's your class, they're like kids to you, no hint of subtlety. You just can't hate them, because it would be as stupid as their blind sheep-like behavior.Those months of sitting three seats away during lecture, glaring all the time, no matter how nice you were. Now bawwhhahahaha, they call you HOT. Of all things.

    It's really quite normal isn't it?
    I think, as long as you're mature enough, have a sense of humor and a nice shinyish heart, you'll be fine in the end. Not missing out on anything worth it.

    ReplyDelete
  21. You don't even know how much this motivated me to become a nicer person... Thank you:)

    ReplyDelete
  22. This is actually me in High School, no joke. Except for the whole boy part...I was a little bit afraid of them, therefore I avoided them at all costs. Until I realized that boys are attractive.

    Check out my blog post about surviving high school if you get the chance! :)

    http://aspiring4greatness.wordpress.com/2011/10/26/simple-things-that-will-get-you-through-high-school/

    ReplyDelete
  23. I knew you in High School and I think you only talked to me like four times. We did middle school and had at least 1 or 2 classes together all through high school. I was jealous of you because you did have a lot of friends... or I guess acquaintances after reading this post. But you were really nice to me when you did talk to me. I'm sorry High School was hard for you. I didn't like junior or senior year either. I was a floater and as much as I tried the girls there never accepted me either. We should have been friends.

    ReplyDelete
  24. When I said 1 or 2 classes I meant 1 or 2 every year all through High School. Sorry if that didn't make much sense.

    ReplyDelete
  25. You're right, we should have been. We should still be!

    ReplyDelete
  26. I am sorry you had to go through this. But if it had anything to do with who you have become then it was worth it! You are too wise for your age miss megan. oh what an amazing yw leader you will be someday! I always remember you as the girl who was kind to everyone and who everyone wanted to be like!!!!! Love you megan squared!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  27. And like Gina I wish we had hugged you more and showered you with more love! This was a wake up call to me that even the girls you think are doing ok might actually be struggling inside. High school is nothing like real life. The most successful and happiest people at my 20 year reunion were the "unpopular" kids in high school. BTW I miss you and your family!!!

    ReplyDelete

Commenting on my blog prevents all types of cardiovascular diseases. Also, all other diseases. And it summons unicorns. So, really, why WOULDN'T you comment?