Sunday, June 19, 2011

This is why teachers never expect much out of me.

I go to Brigham Young University.  College!  I am the most collegial, college-esque, mature, college-er ever.  I go to school like it's my JOB.  I participate in class and I make comments and provoke thought regularly.  Occasionally (read: usually) I say something that makes my teacher make The Face.  You know.  The one where he/she internally debates whether something should be done about my behavior or whether we all should just collectively move on.  Usually it's followed by a head shake and classroom snickers.  Not the candy kind.  The laughing kind.

Below are a few examples of this.  My advice: do not do these things.  Although sometimes it makes your teacher love you.  But usually, no.  No it does not.

Example 1: The Time I Turned In A Two Page Essay About Velociraptors

In my very first college writing class, we were given an assignment to write as many words as we could about a topic.  Any topic.  The teacher actually told us to write about anything.  The only requirements were that we keep completely on topic and be clear about our topic. In addition, she promised a candy prize to the essay writer with the most words.  THIS IS THE FIRST SIGN OF NAIVETY.  Clearly, Prof. Larsen didn't know that I was in her class.  Most kids wrote about their hobbies or dance class or a historical event that would take up a lot of words easy-peasy.  I, however, felt a competitive fire burn in my veins and said to myself, "Hey, I know what will win and also make Professor Larsen love me.  DINOSAURS."

This is the result:

Megan Prietzel
Prof. Larsen
Writing and Rhetoric 150
Velociraptors and Why They are Really Cool But Should be Avoided at all Costs

            Velociraptors were a type of dinosaur that lived during the Cretaceous Period.  Velociraptors lived during the later part of the Cretaceous Period, and they were very, extremely, incredibly awesome.  There were two species of velociraptors that were discovered, but both of them were astonishing, so it doesn’t really matter.  Velociraptors were discovered because they left fossils, probably because when they were dying they were all “We’re really cool and humans need to know about us so we’re going to throw ourselves into mud and wait until it hardens around us so that our majesty can be preserved.”  Velociraptors would do that, because Velociraptors were just good dinosaurs like that.  Velociraptors also were smaller than depicted in Jurassic Park, but that’s okay because they were still super awesome to the infinitieth degree.  They were sometimes as small as a turkey, which probably means they were good at sneaking up on people and killing them, so basically velociraptors were the ninjas of the dinosaur world.  They were the terror of the other dinosaurs, and they would probably have killed the whole world, except they were too noble for that and decided to preserve their dead bones in fossils so that paleontologists could dig them up and stand in awe of their majesty and nobility and magnanimity.  Velociraptors were a species called a dromaeosaurid, and even though spell check says that that is not a word, it totally is, so shut up spell check.  Velociraptors had teeth that were a lot sharper on the back than on the front, and I’ll tell you why.  The reason for this was because Velociraptor teeth were specially designed to catch and hold prey, and the serration on the back of their chompers allowed velociraptors to efficiently kill things.  Velociraptors were killing machines, obviously.  Velociraptors had the serrated teeth because some prey was really fast, and since velociraptors were really fast, they could catch the fast wimpy dinosaurs and then the serration would kill them dead, so no matter how fast they were, they couldn’t escape.  Velociraptors had hands, y’all.  Velociraptors were extremely deadly in part because of their hands which had three insanely killer-ific claws that tore into prey.  Velociraptors used their second claw, which was the largest, to pierce the vital organs of the throats of weakling dinosaurs, including the carotid artery, trachea, and jugular vein, because velociraptors didn’t care if their prey was bleeding all over the place.  The velociraptor would hunt by embedding its claws into the throat of another dinosaur, and then biting the crap out of the rest of the prey’s poor and defenseless body.  Velociraptors also had talons of this sort on their feet, as if they needed any other awesome weapons.  Velociraptors used their feet to deliver fatal blows to lesser dinosaurs, which was every dinosaur besides velociraptors.  Velociraptors also had a long tail that was really good at helping them to balance, allowing velociraptors to run at incredibly fast, neck breaking speeds.  Velociraptors were so freaking awesome, it’s hard to accept.  Velociraptors also had feathers, and some people say that these feathers make velociraptors less awesome.  I would like to point out that velociraptors were actually MORE awesome because of these feathers.  Velociraptors could probably fly, although paleontologists and other science people say that they actually couldn’t and that the feathers were more like a jacket, but I don’t believe them and I’m pretty sure velociraptors could secretly fly AND stay warm at the same time.  Velociraptors could destroy all the scientists in the world if they were still alive, so if I were the scientists, I would go ahead and praise velociraptors as the most awesome ever because the velociraptors will probably figure out a way to time-travel and they will come into our reality and massacre us all in our sleep if we don’t recognize them as supreme overlords, JUST SAYING.  If velociraptors came into the world via time machine, scientists who doubted their abilities would be the first to go.  Velociraptors weren’t very smart, according to paleontologists, but obviously that is not true and the scientists had better shape up, John Travolta style.  Velociraptors will probably be benevolent overlords, but I doubt they will tolerate flagrant disrespect.  Velociraptors were still even more awesome than I have as of yet described, and I will tell you why.  The velociraptor was named for its awesome nature, and the word velociraptor is derived from the latin words “velox” and “raptor” which literally translates to “swift plunderer” or “robber” and that is probably one of the best names ever, even better than Mohawk Joe, which is a very good name.  Velociraptors were so cool that in Mongolia, a fossilized velociraptor was discovered locked in combat with a lone protoceratops, which was another dinosaur that no one has ever heard of because it was not as astonishing as the dreaded velociraptor.  The velociraptor was so incredible, in fact, that Mongolia totally freaked out when the fossilized battle of epic proportions was discovered and the country declared it a national treasure which makes the velociraptor Mongolia’s most precious thing ever. Velociraptors are similar in anatomy to adorable little birds called kiwis, so it’s safe to say that not only were velociraptors wreakers of havoc, but they were adorable wreakers of havoc.  Velociraptors were very cunning, thus supporting my theory that they will soon be here as time traveling mega-predators, so you really ought to learn how to protect yourself, in case they decide to kill you.  If a velociraptor decides to make you dead, you probably don’t stand much of a chance, but if we all band together, there is probably a safe way to defend yourself from velociraptors.  Dying by velociraptor would be extremely painful and agonizing, so it would be a good thing to avoid.  If you don’t want to die by velociraptor, you must master every martial art available.  To avoid getting killed by these agile hunters, one must follow some simple steps.  In order to remember the way to not die, I have created a simple mnemonic in order to make these steps easier to remember.  To not die, remember ROY G BIV, which stands for Run Or Yell Greatly Blue Indigo Violet.  As you can see, not dying is highly dependent on how greatly you can run or yell.  Try really hard not to die, also run and yell as loudly and fast as you possibly can, and then the velociraptors will get bored with your pathetic and feeble attempts at life and will probably return to the Cretaceous period where things are awesome. 

The outcome:  I won the contest.  No one got my Dan Bergstein reference.  I used the word "velociraptor" an obscene amount of times, if that's even possible. My teacher had already awarded the prize to someone else since I was late but I didn't care because my victory was so obvious so she got me another prize.  She appeared confused, but also slightly amused.  Little did she know.  Oh, how little did she know.

Example 2: The Time I Tried To Use Methamphetamine As An Example In A Grammar Lesson.

We were all sitting in Prof. Larsen's class learning about grammar.  That is to say, we were "reviewing" grammar, which meant learning it because we were all really bad at remembering high school.  I'm not quite sure what principle of grammar was being discussed, but the teacher was trying to get us to participate in class by supplying our own sentences to be discussed.

Prof. Larsen: It was a lovely...
Student: Day!
(Grammatical discussion)

Prof Larsen: Unfortunately, it was time...
Student: To go home!
(Grammatical discussion)

Prof. Larsen: She sat quietly...
Student: in church!
(Grammatical discussion)

Prof. Larsen: The air shimmered with...
(Awkward moment of silence)

The outcome: Grammatical discussion didn't ensue.  Rather, the class burst into laughter and poor Professor Larsen shook her head, wondering what was happening to the rising generation. I didn't MEAN to say it.  IT JUST SEEMED SO REASONABLE AT THE TIME.

Example 3: The Time That This Was Our Final Project

We had to make a video.  About food.  HERE IT IS. (Note that Rae played the role of "prestigious medical expert.")

Outcome: Exactly what you'd expect.  We did not get the A that we so CLEARLY deserved.


  1. Oh my goodness. I have finally stopped laughing. Finally.

    But I feel a) proud of myself for actually reading that whole entire amazing essay and b) disappointed in myself because I didn't catch the Dan reference either. =(

  2. I really want to say something about the amazingness of this post, alas I am speechless...

  3. This post is hilarious. I read it to my little brother and he thought it was hilarious too.

    I would have given your video an A.

  4. Well, as both a Velociraptor fan and a (soon to be) Latin teacher (people who reference Latin etymologies are truly blessed), you've won me over.

  5. Good lord, that is the best video ever.

  6. This is wonderful.

    For my brother's birthday present I programmed a velociraptor. Oh my goodness. My web browser's spell checker says I spelled velociraptor wrong. Die, Google Chrome.

  7. Someone thumbs downed our video Megan, but I think they must have been dyslexic and saw it upside-down as a thumbs up. I was looking through the extra footage that we left out, and there's about ten minutes of you and Rachel trying to help me say, "children are our future."

  8. You're both really pretty and funny!!! =] By the way, is barney a velociraptor? I really want to know.

  9. The ROY G BIV thing was pure genius. I was laughing like there was no tomorrow. Also the whole time i was very impressed that you actually turned that essay in. Not that it was a bad essay its just...velociraptors? Only you, Megan.

  10. "Since I was seven. SEVEN!" bwahahahahah!!!

    i don't care too much for dinosaurs but your writing actually made me read the whole thing AND LOVE IT. I wish I could be your teacher just so I could give you A's for Awesomeness!!

    I didn't catch the dan reference either...

  11. um... i love your work!!! funny things!!! great job!!!

  12. ohmylord why didn't you get an A? WHY? It's a sign of the apocalypse.

    high five for the switchfoot/a walk to remember song!

  13. Wow... i am speechless... this blog is hilarious, and i absolutely loved you velociraptor essay! You definitely just made my day!

  14. I caught the Dan reference before you mentioned it. :D I was so very happy. You are a truly wonderful person. I would have given you an A+ on that video and just told everyone else they might as well go home.

  15. Ron Weasley In DisguiseJune 29, 2011 at 8:30 PM

    The video was fantastic as two velociraptors* taking a walk down Light Saber Avenue.**

    *Apparently I have misspelled this.
    **This does not exist.


    Oh, the things that make me burst with pride!

  17. Lol. I am crying. Literally.....METH FUMES!!!!!!


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