Did you know that Utah is freezing? Freezing enough that I would seriously consider stealing a homeless person's only blanket if I thought it would do any good? Freezing enough that if you wait too long between blinking, your eye lubrication quickly turns into ice? SO COLD that the only words I can get out through my chattering teeth are "OHMYGOSH WHY WHY WHY I HATE THIS NO WHY"? Point is, I don't like it. Other point is, I'm pretty good at exaggeration.
Well today was one of those probably-colder-than-the-Arctic kind of days. Luckily for me, I had a crucial test that I had to take for Biology (or as I like to call it, "Bio-dumb-ology." I never said I was clever) and parking at BYU is God's way of reminding me that those stumps of flesh attached to my butt are legs and are, in fact, capable of mobility. So there I was, making the long and freezing trek back to my car from the testing center when I began to wonder why it was so dark. I looked up at the sky. It was filled with menacingly fluffy clouds. Naturally I gave it a warning look, a look that said "You'd better just STAY clouds. I don't want any precipitation out of you."
One miserably freezing walk later, I was finally, finally, FINALLY about to open my car door when I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING, a tiny, delicate, beautiful snowflake landed on my sleeve, pristine and perfect. I blinked once and then immediately squished it in horror. Waves of disgust rolled through me as I looked around and realized that. it. was. snowing. It was very light snow, the kind that you might just mistake for a giant with dandruff scratching his head only you know, giants aren't real. Probably. I looked up at the sky and I was MAD.
"No. NO. DID YOU HEAR ME I SAID NO. SERIOUSLY, STOP. I HATE YOU, YOU HEAR? I HATE YOU."
And I stood there shaking my fist above my head, yelling in the middle of the parking lot. And now everyone who happened to be nearby (hint: many people) think I have a mental disorder or anger management issues. If only they understood.
This is no exaggeration, the snow actually began to fall harder and thicker AS SOON AS I EXPRESSED MY FURY. I don't understand why no one believes that the Universe hates me. It's taunting me. It's taunting me and there is no reasonable outlet because you can't just punch the Universe. I guess I could punch the snow, but that would be awful because HELLO it's cold and wet. The Universe has found the perfect weapon against me.
I was willing, maybe even hopeful, for a truce between myself and the snow. I wanted to enjoy its sparkly beauty just like everyone else but, just as the white man and the Native American couldn't reconcile their differences and contagious diseases some 10 odd years ago (right?), I see no hope for peace here. Except the likelihood that a holiday revolving around food will come from this feud is slim to none so THIS IS EVEN WORSE.
And you'd better believe I just said that this was even worse than that time Pilgrims settled America and virtually everyone died. I don't know how I managed to end this post on an offensive note, so I guess I just have a talent. Please send hate mail accordingly.