That one time when a particularly voluptuous robot swindled me out of some alligators

Today I was checking my email on Hotmail because I signed up for an email account at the age of 13 and I don't like change so HOTMAIL IT IS. Little did I know that the MSN messenger chat service I also used at the age of 13 was up and functional, and I was totally signed in to it. Then a little chat box popped up on my screen from Jen+Lova. Now, I'm not entirely sure who she is, but I'm positive she's a robot. So I guess I am entirely sure who she is.

Jen+Lova says:

heya

megan prietzel says:

Hello, who is this?

Jen+Lova says:

hello to you too

megan prietzel says:

You don't know who I am.

I mean it's possible, but I doubt it.

Jen+Lova says:

Hey hun, How ru doing today? Wanna chat for a little ?!? Im bored and wanted to meet new people... 

megan prietzel says:

Ooooh I see. This is a spam bot. I GET YOU NOW.

Jen+Lova says:

nah, I am a vegetarian... no spam for me! haha

megan prietzel says:

Oh okay, so you're a spam bot that automatically sends a negative response whenever I type the word "spam."

Jen+Lova says:

a what?

megan prietzel says:

SPAM

SPAMMY SPAM SPAM

Jen+Lova says:

Cool... Well, I am Jenny Im originally from S.Florida... Let me ask you a question?

megan prietzel says:

Okay, but first let me ask you one. Is it fulfilling, being a spam bot? I mean, do you get a sense of accomplishment from your work?

I once considered being a spam bot, however I'm not a robot.

It was a poor career choice.

Jen+Lova says:

bot? like a robot? lol

megan prietzel says:

Yes, like your people, Jenny from South Florida.

Jen+Lova says:

i LOVE florida, my best friend Becky lives in Boca Raton, I visit down there all the time

megan prietzel says:

I've been to Florida twice, but I was quite disappointed by the lack of wild alligators roaming the streets.

Jen+Lova says:

Which kinda women u in to ? r u in to NICE TITS or a NICE APPLE BOTTOM ?

 :)

megan prietzel says:

Well, as a heterosexual female, I'm not really into any women, regardless of their varying physical assets. I AM however, into alligators. Why did I not see more alligators, Jenny?

Jen+Lova says:

yes im real

megan prietzel says:

Ah, well that settles it then. You MUST be real.

Jen+Lova says:

good question, huh? lol.. I have a lot of both!! :) would u like to see? I have some free time now... 

megan prietzel says:

A lot of alligators? Or a lot of physical assets? I'd be very interested in seeing the alligators. Could you please email me some photos of said alligators? And could you please name one Pixie McGillus for me? And could you tell her she's the prettiest alligator of them all?

Jen+Lova says:

pics are old skool hehe, i like to do cam 2 cam :) i'm online right now http://www.reddit.com/tb/y90pm/im the main girl u see there, type to me on the right hand side of my video

megan prietzel says:

Oh, I don't mind if the photos are old school. Alligators do well in all types of photography genres, I think. Very timeless, alligators. 

Jen+Lova says:

pics are old skool hehe, i like to do cam 2 cam :) i'm online right now http://www.reddit.com/tb/y90pm/im the main girl u see there, type to me on the right hand side of my video

megan prietzel says:

Oh, I think you resent that, robot.

I MEAN DEFINITELY REAL GIRL.

Jen+Lova says:

i dont think so

megan prietzel says:

...I think you did. In fact I can see that you did.

You definitely did, Jenna.

Jen+Lova says:

Yay... let me set up my cam n u can watch me shake my booty!! LOL.. brb 

megan prietzel says:

I'm starting to suspect that you're not from South Florida AT ALL.

Jen+Lova says:

Ok! Click here http://www.reddit.com/tb/y90pm/and we'll have a PRIVATE 1on1 chat..There's plenty pix of me in there, if you like click the "join free" on top, then register and it'll take you straight to my webcam, I'll be there in a minute.. :)

megan prietzel says:

Is Booty the name of one of your alligators?

Jen+Lova says:

jennifer is my real name but all my friends call me jenny

megan prietzel says:

Hey Jennifer, I'm totally online on your website thing. SHOW ME THE GATORS.

Jen+Lova says:

hey whats up sweetie?

megan prietzel says:

You know, I'm trying to have a conversation with you, but you're so disjointed that I'm starting to think you don't really know what's going on.

Like you're distracted, or something.

Jen+Lova says:

It might say that im offline, just start signing up.. im getting on now.. 

megan prietzel says:

Oh, oh so you're NOT online?

Wait, I thought you were DEFINITELY online.

I thought we were going to do this alligator thing. Am I being had, Jenny?

Jen+Lova says:

There is no charge to sign up, but its gonna ask you for your credit card. Im wearing almost nothing and I dont want any kids watching me!! lol.. 

megan prietzel says:

All I have to do to verify my age is give you all my credit card information? Sounds legit.

Jen+Lova says:

Once you've completed that, it'll automatically redirect you to my webcam page.. u better give me some "gold" when you're on the site lol..it's like a flirt and I'd love some from you ..k? :)

megan prietzel says:

Okay I'm a little stuck. Should I also include my social security number, just to make ABSOLUTELY sure that I'm not under 18?

Jen+Lova says:

24/f/Houston

megan prietzel says:

I THOUGHT YOU WERE FROM FLORIDA.

I don't know what to believe anymore. 

Jen+Lova says: 

k u in?

megan prietzel says:

...Well I guess so. I must admit, my faith in you is a little shaken, but as you now have my credit card information and my social security number, who can I trust if not you, right? LOL.

Jen+Lova says:

my cell is 206-222-1648, please dont give that out! lol

megan prietzel says:

I'm totally posting this to my blog, you know.

JESSICA, WHERE DID YOU GO?

I mean, Jennifer.

Jenny.

Whatever.

...There are no alligators, are there?

I never did get to see Pixie McGillus. But I am now fighting the irrational urge to call that number and continue on our conversation about alligators. I could be like, "Oh yeah, no really, I TOTALLY want to see your apple bottom, but first answer me this: do alligators really live in sewers, or is that just an urban legend?"

Mostly I can't choose a team. I'm leaning toward unicorns because they sparkle.

I bought this book called Zombies VS. Unicorns.  And when I say "I bought" I mean "someone in my family gave me a gift card to Barnes and Noble" and when I say "someone in my family" I mean "I can't remember who."

So, yeah, hey family.  I'm totally grateful for your gifts that enable me to buy zombie-unicorn books.

Note the bird-man on top.  Trivia: it's actually a poorly drawn zombie being eaten by a bird.  Awesome.

That is what this book looks like.  Only better.  And...more realistic.  Although I don't know how that's possible, because it would appear that my MS Paint skills have only improved with time.

OMG FINE.  Here.  Click this link.  I HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED.

Anyway, I was at Barnes and Noble with my boyfriend, just spending the crap out of all my unused Christmas gift cards when suddenly, a shiny black cover gleamed from the recesses of the "Paranormal Teen Novel Fantasy Whatever" section.  Being who I am, I instantly screamed "ZOMBIES VERSUS UNICORNS!!!" I then brushed my fingers lovingly across the cover and whispered solemnly and with all the reverence I could muster, "I must have this."

The great thing about my boyfriend is that he just expects things like this.

When I showed my step-dad he rolled his eyes and said, "Well at least you didn't waste your money," and I was like "I know!  What a buy, right?!" and he rolled his eyes again.  In retrospect, I think he may believe I've wasted my money.

Anyway, I thought this book would be the best purchase I've ever made in my life, and in some ways I was right.  In others...I was so, so wrong.  The book is basically a collection of short stories from various authors on two opposing teams.  I've enjoyed most of the stories so far.  However, there has been bestiality, homosexual naked special hugs, and curse words.  The BAD kind of curse words. 

I'm a prude.  I don't swear.  I'm easily shocked.  But this book is about zombies and unicorns!  It was MADE for me!  But it's so SHOCKING.  But some of the stories are SO GOOD.  But THE PARTIAL NUDITY.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

I think I'll just go get a hot dog.

This is your own fault. YOU ASKED FOR IT.

I've been getting emails and comments and messages from people asking me if I have any other talents.  Other than drawing velociraptors.  Yeah.  Because that's a talent.  Anyway, usually I say, "NOPE.  NOT A ONE." Except a few of you have been very specific.  "Do you sing?" they ask.  Well...the answer is sort of.

I sort of sing.  I have taken a couple classes.  I've been in a few musicals.  I'm just not pursuing singing, so it's kind of something I don't do much, unless I'm alone, in my room with a hairbrush and underpants.  Because that's what pop stars do.

I thought I ought to share this with you since A. you seem interested, B. I really enjoy looking at/listening to/generally talking about myself, and C. it's been asked a surprising number of times.

So!  This is me singing "Just You and Me" by Zee Avi.  It's one of my favorites and I don't do it justice, but that's okay because SO WHAT, that's why.  My webcam sucks so you'll need to PUMP UP THA VOLUME!  It gets easier to hear after a couple lines, I think.  Also, I mess up a lot.  SO SUE ME.  Or sew me.  Whatever you want to do is fine with me.

Also, I have to just link you to YouTube where I have it because Blogger hates me more than anything and is trying to save you from watching this, I guess.  You have been warned.  By me and by blogger.

HERE IS THE LINK TO THE MELODIOUS SOUNDS OF MY VOICE THING.


P to the S: disneyaddict326 is the youtuber who uploaded the instrumental that I sang to because I have no instrument-type skills.  GO HER!

MORE STATII!

I'm going to Florida on vacation for a few days.  On a scale of one to ten, how jelly are you?  (Not the fruit kind.  The jealous kind.)  It's 8, right?  I thought it would be.

Anyway, here is something to prove that I am still a living human being while I am gone!  Facebook Statii part deux.  Since I will be in an airplane and at the airport tomorrow, perhaps some crazy mishaps will result in another traveling story!  Or maybe I'll just finish the first one...YOU NEVER KNOW.  Miracles do happen, people. 

 

-A bee flew into my room. It is banging against the window, unable to find the open half. What an idiot. However, I now have to decide whether it is more important to protect my room from the pouring rain or get the killer death insect outside. I'll probably just end up falling asleep.

-Don't pretend like you never wanted to be a marine biologist. Every kid wanted to be a marine biologist.

-When I die I want you guys to cremate me. Then shove my remains into a bunch of shotgun shells and use me to fight crime. Okay? Either that, or I want to be made into a firework.

-My problem is that I don't ever want to go to bed. And then I don't ever want to get out of bed. So....

-The surest way to get me to touch something expensive or fragile is to put a "do not touch" sign up.

-I cannot sleep because my brain is pissed at being awake. Makes sense.

-Ways to impress a hobbit number 14: climb over things.

-Looking at the Super Moon:
"Wow that is super bright"
"JIMMER GET DOWN FROM THERE!"

-Sprite and Costco cookies for everyone!!! #PartyLikeReliefSociety

-Tavia's Words of Wisdom: Obama, please make a law that says people can't call me a freak.

-Tavia: "We can only have three ounces of liquid through airport security. The terrorists have won."
Me: "...Why are they letting the terrorists have one of anything?? Wait, WHY ARE THEY LETTING THE TERRORISTS ON PLANES?!?!"

-I drank a lot of caffeine. Also, I'm getting married. Please RSVP so that I know how many chicken nuggets to order for the reception.

-My finger is stuck in the plastic wrap part that is supposed to go around the chapstick lid. Huh. Didn't expect that.

-I am unabashedly and somewhat disturbingly interested in all of your relationships.

-NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. EXCEPT FOR FRODO. But he's a whiny brat, so that's disheartening.

-I would never PURPOSELY jump out my window, but if it ever happened accidentally then I bet Hayward would feel bad and he would kiss me. So if it ever happens on accident and I don't die, I have something to look forward to.

-I ate like 20 gummy bear vitamins. Am I going to die?

-I have elbows.

-Mentally reviewing my debilitating list of embarrassing moments. They're all just as humiliating in retrospect.

-I don't even know what that means but I disagree completely.

-Girl just knocked on my door:
Girl: I have a presentation.
Me: ...Okay.
Girl: (Talks about cellular respiration and photosynthesis for ten minutes using a chart filled with complicated illustrations.)
Me: Oh. Awesome.
Girl: Okay. Have a nice day.
Me: ...Kay bye.

-It takes talent to so thoroughly deny the obvious. And let me tell you, I am talented.

-I like to say things, especially if I haven't thought about them first.

-Tavia: "Is this a remix?"
Me: "I don't know I'm watching a video of a dog taking a bath."

-It's like speaking to a brick wall. Or a small child. A very young wall made of bricks and children.

-I want to be inside your personal space.

-Tavia's Words of Wisdom: "You can buy a flamethrower for 230 dollars. Actually, 229.99."

-I wish Facebook was more specific: "Sarah is now friends with Mary because she wants to go through all of Mary's pictures and convince herself that Nick is crazy to date her because Mary is totally not that hot."

-Never look up symptoms online. So far I've found that I have Swine Flu, breast cancer, Lyme Disease, and a cerebrospinal fluid leak.

-I am singing the pokemon theme song VERY passionately. This feels right.

-I resisted the urge to buy chocolate at the vending machine for 25 minutes. I decided to reward myself for my perseverance by buying myself two chocolate bars at the vending machine. I'm teaching myself self-control with positive reinforcement.

-I fail at consistency so much that sometimes I even win at consistency.

-Furiously trying to memorize the Pokemon Rap. I'm pretty sure this is a sign that I need a hobby.

-Just googled nine times seven. I'm a sad excuse for a human being.

-Oh you're sorry? We'll see how sorry you really are. Give me your monetary resources.

-I have serious issues with this whole "keeping FAQ/ABOUT/CONTACT" pages current. I'm going to post the words "Salami makes people happy" on all of those pages and call it good.

-I'm rooting for you, really. It's just that your failure is really funny.

-The bottom of my bowl says it's not microwave safe. Whatever, bowl, you don't own me.

-What I should be doing: writing a rhetorical analysis paper. What I am doing: taking a quiz to find out which mythical creature I am. Oh boy!

-I wish I were half as deep as everyone else thinks they are.

-Coke for breakfast. But it's okay because it's caffeine free coke, so basically it's like juice.

-Sometimes my brain says to me "Hey, you're never going to be successful if you don't actually post on your blog" and I say "Well, brain, if you weren't so easily distracted..." and my brain says "SILENCE! Let's think about space pirates" and I'm all "THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT."

-I bought juice. I cannot open the juice. Conspiracy.

-If you like free food, you should read my blog. I'm not really giving away free food, but I like free food too, so I assume we have something in common.

-September resolution: have eyelashes and fingernails. DONE. I'm freakin' accomplished.

-"Do you remember me?! I haven't seen you since you were a baby!" ...Of course I remember you. Good thing I was a super intelligent memory advanced baby or you would look really stupid right now.

-Sometimes I look back and I'm all "...oh dang. In retrospect, maybe that wasn't such a good idea. Oh well. I wonder if we have dinosaur chicken nuggets in the freezer."

-New law: if you find any gold, it's mine.

-Nothing feels better than showering after a week of camping. Except maybe showering after two weeks of camping, but I'll never know because I would NEVER go camping for two weeks.

-I love posting my most personal, emotional struggles on facebook. It's very private, kind of like a virtual diary! And the best part is it's only accessible to 686 friends!

-The perfect Ramen isn't made on a stove. It's made in your heart.

-A friend of mine informed me that my status updates make me seem weird. If the only thing that makes me seem weird are my status updates, I think I'm doing pretty well.

-Google has a sad lack of scorpion puns. I checked.

-My life is exactly like a romantic comedy, except without the romance, or the comedy parts.

-I've worked out TWICE in a row. I had better wake up smokin' hot tomorrow, or SO HELP ME...

-A psycho stalker AND freezing rain? Oh boy, Christmas has come early this year!

-My shampoo spells amazing. I think it's made out of fairies.

-You know when you finish a project, and you spent a ton of time on it, and you're super proud, and then you show people and you're all "LOOK HOW AWESOME" and they're all "yeah cool" but they don't really care because it's not their project, and then you're all "whatever, screw you guys"? Well yeah. Screw you guys, this project is the bomb-tastic.

-Apparently her name is K-e-dollarsign-h-a, not K-dollarsign-s-h-a. Sorry, girl. The procunciation of the dollarsign throws me off.

-If I could punch pop culture in the eye, I would. And then I would hug it and tell it I was sorry, but I wouldn't mean it, and I'd probably get drunk the next night and punch it again. Because that's how I feel about pop culture.

-I almost punched him in the mouth with my brain. But I didn't, because the Jedi believe in peace.

-Oh Elton John. I wish you were here. You'd know what to do.

-My thought process goes from "man I should be doing homework" to "How many internet contests would I have to win in order to get Obama to make a guest appearance on my blog?"

-I know I'm full...I mean really full...but there's cake and I'm bored.

Entries from my journal part deux

I've posted some of my journal on this blog before.  I wonder why I did that.  However I clearly do not learn from past experience, because here is some more.


June 2, 2010 (At least I think that's the date, but I wrote that last night was May 31st, so I really have no idea.  Obviously)

-I have a theory about people who actively seek me out.  People are really looking for the other Megan Prietzel.  There must be another one.  She's reasonable and normal and knows how to do laundry.  She also is part of a super team that fights crime and can shoot fireballs from her eyebrows.  (I like to think my alter ego has skills.)  Anyway, they think they are going to get an awesome super person but instead they're all, "Oh dang.  CRAZY." and I'm all, "Let's go roll down a hill in a cardboard tube."  That's probably why I both do and do not have friends.


June 22, 2010

-I went to Lake Powell for my senior trip.  I felt just like Indiana Jones, only less masculine.  And coordinated.


June 23, 2010 [Hi, it's present day Megan.  I don't know what the following is about.  I think I was thinking about how to tell if someone is a zombie.  Just...I don't know.]

-I'm not saying you're a zombie.  I'm implying it.  There's a difference.

-You could be a zombie.  Let me check your pulse.  If you try to eat my brain, you're probably a zombie.

-Or you just like brains.  That's cool.  I don't judge.

-But I'd like to point out that I would judge if I were paid to.  I'd be like Simon Cowell only without an accent and a black shirt.  So, in other words, lame.

-But still cooler than a zombie.

-Who am I kidding.  Not cooler at all.


June 24, 2010

-I try not to be rude but then I'm all drunk and stuff.

-I meant to write "blunt" and accidentally wrote "drunk."  That tells you a little bit about me.


July 2, 2010

-Jordan just told me that my status updates me seem weird.  If status updates are the only things making me seem weird, I think I'm doing pretty well.

-You know, I find that mispronunciation is really the only way to go.

-I would like to inform the authorities about you but then the police would arrest you and I couldn't so openly stare.


July 4, 2010

-The housing market is pretty bad, so I think I should live in a house made out of legos and rubber cement.


July 30, 2010

-99% of what I write is junk. 1% is actually probably useful.  Not that I've ever written about anything useful exactly, but I'm sure that something, somewhere could be misconstrued as helpful.  It would probably be disguised as a unicorn or something though.

-I think the world would be a better place if I were in charge of it.  Or at least parts of it.  I hear Switzerland is doing pretty well without me.

-I just don't want to live in a world that requires I wear pants in public.


October 22, 2010

-Some mail came for you today.  It looked fairly important, so I threw it away.


March 15, 2011

-There just isn't much dialogue written out for real life.  And the stuff there is sucks.

-I think that if you're enough of a nerd, people will just love you.


Hello!  It's Megan again.  To answer some questions that haven't been asked but that I can guess will come in emails after this post, there IS a reason why I write and why I write like this.  These little thoughts and snippets of internal conversations lead to things.  Bigger things.  A lot of my journal has just been skipped in this post because so many of the entries turned into full posts or articles and since you've already read those, why write them here again?  So I guess this is a behind-the-scenes look for you.  I'm sorry that there is nothing more exciting to report.  I know that a lot of you are writers and I suggest that you guys get yourself a cute and whimsical journal (mine is made up of a bunch of different illustrated pages) and jot down every weird thought that comes to your head.  Because we all have them and anyone who says they don't is a liar. 

So there are some glimpses into my crazy brain.  If you're still confused and don't understand any of it, then I'll just leave you with my last entry, which is just this: It just feels so good to write for no specific reason.

A hat tip to Allie Brosh. UPDATED.

Hyperbole and a Half happens to be one of my favorite blogs ever.  It (along with The Oatmeal, XKCD, Natalie Dee and a few other illustrated blogs) is one of my biggest inspirations when it comes to my own posts and illustrations.  I feel it's important to give credit where credit is due. A lot of people have noticed that I have a similar writing style and illustration style to a few other bloggers.  I generally take this as a huuuuge compliment, because that means that someone, somewhere thinks that I have a vestige of talent.  And that makes me feel all accomplished inside.

One of my favorite drawings ever done by Allie Brosh is this one:

This is totes too awesome for words.  

Why?  Because that was ME as a child.  And it kind of still is, let's be honest.  the expression, the dress, THE DINOSAUR TOY.  When I first saw this picture I died of laughter.  And so, as my first hat tip illustration (probably in a series of them to several AWESOME bloggers and illustrators) I give you my Hyperbole and a half-ed drawing of myself:

I imagine that this would be me if I were drawn by Allie Brosh.  Probably.  The pink unicorn probably would have been a whole lot better if she'd done it.  But the purple one isn't too bad, eh?  This drawing was featured in my last article on Sparknotes.com. It was done on paint.net, and it took me forever plus infinity to adequately capture the style, so I'll be going back to bean people for now.  ANYWAY, if you haven't read Hyperbole and a Half, you SERIOUSLY have to.  It will change your life.  Most likely.

Allie Brosh, I salute you.

Updated:
First of all, this post was SUPPOSED to go up at the same time as the SL article, but Blogger was experiencing technical difficulties and was down for maintenance.  So I only just now get to respond to the hatred!  YAAAAY!

So apparently I'm a total idiot and I forgot to add in my article that the above drawing is homage to Allie Brosh.  I hadn't really thoroughly read the article once it was posted and just did now as I was linking to it for this post.  LOOKS LIKE I HAVE SOME SERIOUS HATRED GOING ON.  Which is justified, since CLEARLY that was a Hyperbole and a Half inspired drawing that I created.  Here's some clarification for anyone who is angry about my own illustration styles versus any other blogger:

 The above illustration uses a style I call "bean people" in my head, because they look like beans and they're incredibly easy to draw.  This is my general go to style.  I like the dots for eyes and the coloring outside of the lines because I think it's cute.  Occasionally I'll do something with their eyes if I want to give them a stronger expression.  Other examples of illustration styles I sometimes use include:

These are just a few examples.  As you can see, I don't have a really set style of illustration.  All of them are influenced by other people, but that's kind of a given.  Everyone is influenced, and I definitely have wayyy more than just one muse.  When I'm drawing, I'm not thinking about Allie Brosh's drawings or anyone else's.  The unicorn toy drawing WAS actually mean as a salute to Allie, but CLEARLY that didn't turn out too well.  So we'll see if hat tip drawings continue.

THE POINT OF THIS IS TO EXPLAIN THAT I'M NOT A CHEATING COPY CAT.  Credit where credit is due.

KTHX.