MORE STATII!

I'm going to Florida on vacation for a few days.  On a scale of one to ten, how jelly are you?  (Not the fruit kind.  The jealous kind.)  It's 8, right?  I thought it would be.

Anyway, here is something to prove that I am still a living human being while I am gone!  Facebook Statii part deux.  Since I will be in an airplane and at the airport tomorrow, perhaps some crazy mishaps will result in another traveling story!  Or maybe I'll just finish the first one...YOU NEVER KNOW.  Miracles do happen, people. 

 

-A bee flew into my room. It is banging against the window, unable to find the open half. What an idiot. However, I now have to decide whether it is more important to protect my room from the pouring rain or get the killer death insect outside. I'll probably just end up falling asleep.

-Don't pretend like you never wanted to be a marine biologist. Every kid wanted to be a marine biologist.

-When I die I want you guys to cremate me. Then shove my remains into a bunch of shotgun shells and use me to fight crime. Okay? Either that, or I want to be made into a firework.

-My problem is that I don't ever want to go to bed. And then I don't ever want to get out of bed. So....

-The surest way to get me to touch something expensive or fragile is to put a "do not touch" sign up.

-I cannot sleep because my brain is pissed at being awake. Makes sense.

-Ways to impress a hobbit number 14: climb over things.

-Looking at the Super Moon:
"Wow that is super bright"
"JIMMER GET DOWN FROM THERE!"

-Sprite and Costco cookies for everyone!!! #PartyLikeReliefSociety

-Tavia's Words of Wisdom: Obama, please make a law that says people can't call me a freak.

-Tavia: "We can only have three ounces of liquid through airport security. The terrorists have won."
Me: "...Why are they letting the terrorists have one of anything?? Wait, WHY ARE THEY LETTING THE TERRORISTS ON PLANES?!?!"

-I drank a lot of caffeine. Also, I'm getting married. Please RSVP so that I know how many chicken nuggets to order for the reception.

-My finger is stuck in the plastic wrap part that is supposed to go around the chapstick lid. Huh. Didn't expect that.

-I am unabashedly and somewhat disturbingly interested in all of your relationships.

-NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. EXCEPT FOR FRODO. But he's a whiny brat, so that's disheartening.

-I would never PURPOSELY jump out my window, but if it ever happened accidentally then I bet Hayward would feel bad and he would kiss me. So if it ever happens on accident and I don't die, I have something to look forward to.

-I ate like 20 gummy bear vitamins. Am I going to die?

-I have elbows.

-Mentally reviewing my debilitating list of embarrassing moments. They're all just as humiliating in retrospect.

-I don't even know what that means but I disagree completely.

-Girl just knocked on my door:
Girl: I have a presentation.
Me: ...Okay.
Girl: (Talks about cellular respiration and photosynthesis for ten minutes using a chart filled with complicated illustrations.)
Me: Oh. Awesome.
Girl: Okay. Have a nice day.
Me: ...Kay bye.

-It takes talent to so thoroughly deny the obvious. And let me tell you, I am talented.

-I like to say things, especially if I haven't thought about them first.

-Tavia: "Is this a remix?"
Me: "I don't know I'm watching a video of a dog taking a bath."

-It's like speaking to a brick wall. Or a small child. A very young wall made of bricks and children.

-I want to be inside your personal space.

-Tavia's Words of Wisdom: "You can buy a flamethrower for 230 dollars. Actually, 229.99."

-I wish Facebook was more specific: "Sarah is now friends with Mary because she wants to go through all of Mary's pictures and convince herself that Nick is crazy to date her because Mary is totally not that hot."

-Never look up symptoms online. So far I've found that I have Swine Flu, breast cancer, Lyme Disease, and a cerebrospinal fluid leak.

-I am singing the pokemon theme song VERY passionately. This feels right.

-I resisted the urge to buy chocolate at the vending machine for 25 minutes. I decided to reward myself for my perseverance by buying myself two chocolate bars at the vending machine. I'm teaching myself self-control with positive reinforcement.

-I fail at consistency so much that sometimes I even win at consistency.

-Furiously trying to memorize the Pokemon Rap. I'm pretty sure this is a sign that I need a hobby.

-Just googled nine times seven. I'm a sad excuse for a human being.

-Oh you're sorry? We'll see how sorry you really are. Give me your monetary resources.

-I have serious issues with this whole "keeping FAQ/ABOUT/CONTACT" pages current. I'm going to post the words "Salami makes people happy" on all of those pages and call it good.

-I'm rooting for you, really. It's just that your failure is really funny.

-The bottom of my bowl says it's not microwave safe. Whatever, bowl, you don't own me.

-What I should be doing: writing a rhetorical analysis paper. What I am doing: taking a quiz to find out which mythical creature I am. Oh boy!

-I wish I were half as deep as everyone else thinks they are.

-Coke for breakfast. But it's okay because it's caffeine free coke, so basically it's like juice.

-Sometimes my brain says to me "Hey, you're never going to be successful if you don't actually post on your blog" and I say "Well, brain, if you weren't so easily distracted..." and my brain says "SILENCE! Let's think about space pirates" and I'm all "THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT."

-I bought juice. I cannot open the juice. Conspiracy.

-If you like free food, you should read my blog. I'm not really giving away free food, but I like free food too, so I assume we have something in common.

-September resolution: have eyelashes and fingernails. DONE. I'm freakin' accomplished.

-"Do you remember me?! I haven't seen you since you were a baby!" ...Of course I remember you. Good thing I was a super intelligent memory advanced baby or you would look really stupid right now.

-Sometimes I look back and I'm all "...oh dang. In retrospect, maybe that wasn't such a good idea. Oh well. I wonder if we have dinosaur chicken nuggets in the freezer."

-New law: if you find any gold, it's mine.

-Nothing feels better than showering after a week of camping. Except maybe showering after two weeks of camping, but I'll never know because I would NEVER go camping for two weeks.

-I love posting my most personal, emotional struggles on facebook. It's very private, kind of like a virtual diary! And the best part is it's only accessible to 686 friends!

-The perfect Ramen isn't made on a stove. It's made in your heart.

-A friend of mine informed me that my status updates make me seem weird. If the only thing that makes me seem weird are my status updates, I think I'm doing pretty well.

-Google has a sad lack of scorpion puns. I checked.

-My life is exactly like a romantic comedy, except without the romance, or the comedy parts.

-I've worked out TWICE in a row. I had better wake up smokin' hot tomorrow, or SO HELP ME...

-A psycho stalker AND freezing rain? Oh boy, Christmas has come early this year!

-My shampoo spells amazing. I think it's made out of fairies.

-You know when you finish a project, and you spent a ton of time on it, and you're super proud, and then you show people and you're all "LOOK HOW AWESOME" and they're all "yeah cool" but they don't really care because it's not their project, and then you're all "whatever, screw you guys"? Well yeah. Screw you guys, this project is the bomb-tastic.

-Apparently her name is K-e-dollarsign-h-a, not K-dollarsign-s-h-a. Sorry, girl. The procunciation of the dollarsign throws me off.

-If I could punch pop culture in the eye, I would. And then I would hug it and tell it I was sorry, but I wouldn't mean it, and I'd probably get drunk the next night and punch it again. Because that's how I feel about pop culture.

-I almost punched him in the mouth with my brain. But I didn't, because the Jedi believe in peace.

-Oh Elton John. I wish you were here. You'd know what to do.

-My thought process goes from "man I should be doing homework" to "How many internet contests would I have to win in order to get Obama to make a guest appearance on my blog?"

-I know I'm full...I mean really full...but there's cake and I'm bored.

It's surprising that I don't have more friends than I do.

Sometimes I sit in front of my computer for a while and it makes me say idiotic things.  These things manifest themselves in my Facebook statuses.  Oh, that sounded weird.  Facebook stati?  Statii?  Capitalization, maybe?

Facebook Statii.  Yeah, that looks about right.  Anyway, if you read all of these you will notice that I am a brat and also I think I'm incredibly clever.  Feel free to use any of these Statii, so long as you cite me and send me a royalty check every week or so.  I'm flexible.

Enjoy.  I will write a real post about how I suck at music, complete with fancy drawings. BEGIN!:


-I'm going to steal my neighbor's mail because I'm in a bad mood. But I'm not going to open it, because that would be a felony. Also, I'm going to return it 2-5 minutes later. Ha!

-I really enjoy being an insufferable know it all.

-I like to stand out in the rain. But not because I'm deep, more because I'm an idiot.
  
-Look, I don't judge, but you're entirely wrong. And I'm right. And also you're ugly. And you have weird hair.

-Hey, race car guy, I can hear you driving your race car outside my window in a suburb and I just want you to know that shut up.


-I wish facebook would tell me who is actually online. Or give me a million dollars. I'd be happy with either.
  
-Hey look at my status.
  
-The doctor says I'm going to live. Whatever, doctor. Clearly you've never had a migraine before.
  
-I wonder sometimes if my actions are actually consistent with my personality or if they're just a product of sleep deprivation.

-"Have you ever made anything happen, anything you couldn't explain?" 
"Well, my hair IS quite unruly..."
  
-I've spent the last hour trying to figure out where I can live without dying of poisonous animals. Apparently, no matter where I go I am going to be murdered by demon spiders. Also, Australia is a land of horrors. Never go there.
  
-Happy birthday, George Washington. And Abraham Lincoln. And Walker Texas Ranger. And also America.
  
-"Conceded" and "conceited" are not the same thing. You're welcome.
  
-Who else is going to Kid Cudi? I'm going, because I like to go to concerts when I don't know the words to any of the songs.
  
-A search that found my blog: "People legitimately don't like me" and I'm all OH HONEY. You must be in high school. I'm so sorry.

-"Your cute." 
...My...cute? My...WHAT?!?!

-Rain outside+watching that one scene from the Hunchback of Notre Dame where Esmerelda sings "God Help the Outcasts" in the cathedral=me sobbing uncontrollably. I'm embarrassing to myself.

-"Why aren't you wearing pants?"
"Why ARE you wearing pants?"

-I don't have insomnia, I just don't allow myself to go to sleep because I need to update my status regularly. Otherwise you wouldn't know all the details of my life. You're welcome.

 -My face hurts on the inside.

-...Everyone needs to stop getting engaged without telling me. You may get engaged if I am aware. OTHER THAN THAT, NO. I INSIST ON KNOWING ALL THE INTIMATE DETAILS OF YOUR LIFE.

 -Blogging means that you constantly get spam emails with this in the subject line: "MY HEART CHOOSEN TO BLESS YOU."

-AM I CLOGGING UP YOUR NEWSFEED YET??

-I have done absolutely nothing of any value today. I'm not sure if I'm overtly pleased with myself or if I'm experiencing self-loathing.

-Actually, I think my body is just rebelling. I imagine that it was all, "WTF is this, Megan? Seriously? MORE french fries? What about an apple every once in a while? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT AN APPLE IS? Could you maybe throw a couple vitamins my way occasionally? IDIOT."

-I really don't think I've been up this early since way back when I actually cared about being to time on school. So, like, the first three weeks of senior year.

-By this point I seriously doubt the existence of global warming, but if it will help Summer come any faster I will buy 300 aerosol cans of hairspray and empty them into the atmosphere myself.

-I'm going to go through and systematically like a bunch of three week old statuses. That way I can remind you all just how much of a creeper I really am.

-Sometimes I re-post a status I've already used if I think it needs reiterating.

-Sometimes I re-post a status I've already used if I think it needs reiterating.

-Playing Super Smash 64 with Ryan, who is playing as Captain Falcon.
Me: You are stupid.
Ryan: No, I'm CAPTAIN stupid.

-I love my momma, who happens to be in Hawaii getting tan and swimming with dolphins and, like, whatever else you do in Hawaii. Worship volcanoes? Yeah. My mom is worshiping volcanoes today. Happy Mother's Day!

-"Megan is a really awesome girl. -Aristotle"

-Hey guys. I just wanted to let you know that Osama Bin Laden is dead. You heard it here first.

-It's completely silent in my neighborhood. I don't think my neighbors read my status. I'm going to run up and down the street yelling "USA! USA!" and then set fire to an Osama-shaped pile of leaves. That ought to do it.

-Like my status and I'll tell you absolutely nothing of value. But I might tell you what time it is, so there's that incentive.

-I don't know half of you people.

 

Huh.   That was a lot of Statii.  Oh well, now you all know exactly what kind of a human being I am.  THAT.  I'm THAT kind of human being, guys. I'll post more Statii later.  MORE STATII, YOU SAY?  Yes.  More Statii.

 

Tavia and I talk drugs. Because that's what we do, yo.

Tavia: DUDE.  I'm working in a house, like fixing it up while I'm here, and I found coke, like the drug, in it today.

Me: Did you SELL IT.  I would have sold it.  And then CALLED THE COPS.

Tavia: I couldn't sell it, it was all over this shelf I was cleaning off.  Oh, and then I found weed in the freezer.

Me: How do you know it was coke?  Maybe the dude liked flour.  Or sugar.  Or crystal meth.

Tavia: It was coke.  We asked the other guy who was working with us.

Me: Did you smell it?  I probably would have smelled it just to make sure. Which is why I'm not allowed around cocaine.

Tavia: ...You have a lot to blog about.

Me: Wait, you found the weed IN THE FREEZER?

Apparently I am a crazy person.

Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that I'm kind of an idiot who says things like, "I'm not saying you're a zombie.  I'm implying it.  There's a difference." and "I ate like twenty gummy bear vitamins.  Am I going to die?"  and "I had a dream that I was mauled by a baby-hating bear last night. My dream reaction: I have to tweet this if I don't die."  I am clearly not meant for Twitter but since no one has kicked me off yet I assume I'm still in the clear.  Anyway, I found this website that I guess analyzes your old tweets and then tells you what your next tweets will be.  Probably.  It is startlingly accurate, so far:


"Help! He's repressing me! Did you blink too insane even for attack and loathing for survival are?"

"Funny thing about the challenge. Never look up a cerebrospinal fluid leak. Thing I am not: microwave safe."

"Found two more live-able."

"I'm pretty sure I want this job?"

"Actually thus far I am not a flavor of detergent instead of curls."

"Dumb tacks. Officially have a unicorn. Yes! This shopping cart's wheels won't turn right. Me."

"All I ate like a guy in marshmallow. You didn't deserve that."

"The Fellowship of ice cream called Sparkle. I karate chopped that paper."

"Officially have a passion for you to sit down."

"Thing I dropped last night. Oh. Pretend that I want to college, kids."

"I'm still awake. Lolz, I'm implying it. Silence. Don't go to your lap murderer? "

"Sleep placebo: I'll just float around behind you, weeping until you can write or draw."

 "Am now throwing a purple horse named Sweetbottom to share stories about"

"Just stole a guy in the tree. I assure you, I ate like to get somewhat interesting."

And my personal favorites:

"....what is a bunch of curls. It'll fall out to own me. The Sand People are the floor."

"Whoever found my head hurts sooo bad."

"Jimmer, you are the first ten minutes."

"The bottom of my skill set consists of detergent instead of the existence of the Ring."

"Just stole a book shaped present turned out of detergent instead of those free paint cards from WalMart."

"I haven't embraced the wise, kids: DO YOUR HOMEWORK ON TIME."

"1: Why do you want to be alive."

"I'm busily asserting my air."

"Apparently Vegas was a zombie apocalypse. Love this job?"

 "I think I'm sorry, Twitter."


 And the winner is:

"I'm a baby-hating bear vitamin." 


I think the moral of this story is that I should develop real interests.  Either that, or everyone should be following me on Twitter.