Mostly I can't choose a team. I'm leaning toward unicorns because they sparkle.

I bought this book called Zombies VS. Unicorns.  And when I say "I bought" I mean "someone in my family gave me a gift card to Barnes and Noble" and when I say "someone in my family" I mean "I can't remember who."

So, yeah, hey family.  I'm totally grateful for your gifts that enable me to buy zombie-unicorn books.

Note the bird-man on top.  Trivia: it's actually a poorly drawn zombie being eaten by a bird.  Awesome.

That is what this book looks like.  Only better.  And...more realistic.  Although I don't know how that's possible, because it would appear that my MS Paint skills have only improved with time.

OMG FINE.  Here.  Click this link.  I HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED.

Anyway, I was at Barnes and Noble with my boyfriend, just spending the crap out of all my unused Christmas gift cards when suddenly, a shiny black cover gleamed from the recesses of the "Paranormal Teen Novel Fantasy Whatever" section.  Being who I am, I instantly screamed "ZOMBIES VERSUS UNICORNS!!!" I then brushed my fingers lovingly across the cover and whispered solemnly and with all the reverence I could muster, "I must have this."

The great thing about my boyfriend is that he just expects things like this.

When I showed my step-dad he rolled his eyes and said, "Well at least you didn't waste your money," and I was like "I know!  What a buy, right?!" and he rolled his eyes again.  In retrospect, I think he may believe I've wasted my money.

Anyway, I thought this book would be the best purchase I've ever made in my life, and in some ways I was right.  In others...I was so, so wrong.  The book is basically a collection of short stories from various authors on two opposing teams.  I've enjoyed most of the stories so far.  However, there has been bestiality, homosexual naked special hugs, and curse words.  The BAD kind of curse words. 

I'm a prude.  I don't swear.  I'm easily shocked.  But this book is about zombies and unicorns!  It was MADE for me!  But it's so SHOCKING.  But some of the stories are SO GOOD.  But THE PARTIAL NUDITY.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

I think I'll just go get a hot dog.

That one time I got punched in the face by a bird in Mexico

Mexico is a place, a place that I had never been to until recently.  And by that I mean that I went on a cruise there and I really thought there would be more to tell you about that but there isn't.  There IS, however, a little to tell you because I was attacked by rabid birds.

I was just strutting down the market-place in Ensenada, buying such trinkets as seashell earrings and cheap Mexican cocaine, when WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT, there was a churro stand!  And the churro guy was like, "Here, have a free sample of a churro!" and I was like "May I kiss you passionately, old Mexican churro man?" 

I love churros.  Churros are the only Mexican food that I love.  They're like little fried tubes of joy.  And cinnamon sugar, which is equivalent. My mom sometimes makes churros and I remember why I love my mom.  Not that I wouldn't love my mom if she didn't make me churros, it would just be significantly harder and also I might call her by her first name.

What?

Churro man handed me my free sample of Mexican magic and I, exuding the joy of a woman with a fresh churro and veins full of cocaine, bit into it immediately.  Unfortunately, when an object has pulled from a vat of bubbling oil moments before you place it in your mouth, it is still scalding hot.  I was like "MOTHER OF SWEAR WORD" and then held the churro out so that the Ensenada wind might cool it slightly. 

I continued to walk down the road of the ocean-side market, enjoying the sunshine and fresh air when, all of a sudden, I saw birds!  Look at 'em, they're everywhere!  They're so cuuuute!  And then I continued walking and didn't think about them again. 

Until, not two seconds later, I felt something slam into my face with the force of a small missile.  I felt seagull feet tangling in my hair and saw, to my horror, a snapping beak lunging at my churro, over and over.  And I wish I had been like, "NOT MY CHURRO.  YOU'RE GOING DOWN BIRD.  PREPARE YOURSELF" and then popped a homie in the face, but instead I was more like, "eeeuuuughghhghgGGGHHHEIEEIEIE!!!  MOMMMMM!!!!  HELP MEEEEEEE!!!"  And the evil bird just kept punching me in the face until it snapped up my churro and flew off. 

Those Mexican seagulls aren't afraid of anything.  I hope the churro burned it's tongue on the way down and I hope that every stolen bit of food tasted like rubber for weeks and I hope that that bird never gets married and dies alone.

MORE STATII!

I'm going to Florida on vacation for a few days.  On a scale of one to ten, how jelly are you?  (Not the fruit kind.  The jealous kind.)  It's 8, right?  I thought it would be.

Anyway, here is something to prove that I am still a living human being while I am gone!  Facebook Statii part deux.  Since I will be in an airplane and at the airport tomorrow, perhaps some crazy mishaps will result in another traveling story!  Or maybe I'll just finish the first one...YOU NEVER KNOW.  Miracles do happen, people. 

 

-A bee flew into my room. It is banging against the window, unable to find the open half. What an idiot. However, I now have to decide whether it is more important to protect my room from the pouring rain or get the killer death insect outside. I'll probably just end up falling asleep.

-Don't pretend like you never wanted to be a marine biologist. Every kid wanted to be a marine biologist.

-When I die I want you guys to cremate me. Then shove my remains into a bunch of shotgun shells and use me to fight crime. Okay? Either that, or I want to be made into a firework.

-My problem is that I don't ever want to go to bed. And then I don't ever want to get out of bed. So....

-The surest way to get me to touch something expensive or fragile is to put a "do not touch" sign up.

-I cannot sleep because my brain is pissed at being awake. Makes sense.

-Ways to impress a hobbit number 14: climb over things.

-Looking at the Super Moon:
"Wow that is super bright"
"JIMMER GET DOWN FROM THERE!"

-Sprite and Costco cookies for everyone!!! #PartyLikeReliefSociety

-Tavia's Words of Wisdom: Obama, please make a law that says people can't call me a freak.

-Tavia: "We can only have three ounces of liquid through airport security. The terrorists have won."
Me: "...Why are they letting the terrorists have one of anything?? Wait, WHY ARE THEY LETTING THE TERRORISTS ON PLANES?!?!"

-I drank a lot of caffeine. Also, I'm getting married. Please RSVP so that I know how many chicken nuggets to order for the reception.

-My finger is stuck in the plastic wrap part that is supposed to go around the chapstick lid. Huh. Didn't expect that.

-I am unabashedly and somewhat disturbingly interested in all of your relationships.

-NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. EXCEPT FOR FRODO. But he's a whiny brat, so that's disheartening.

-I would never PURPOSELY jump out my window, but if it ever happened accidentally then I bet Hayward would feel bad and he would kiss me. So if it ever happens on accident and I don't die, I have something to look forward to.

-I ate like 20 gummy bear vitamins. Am I going to die?

-I have elbows.

-Mentally reviewing my debilitating list of embarrassing moments. They're all just as humiliating in retrospect.

-I don't even know what that means but I disagree completely.

-Girl just knocked on my door:
Girl: I have a presentation.
Me: ...Okay.
Girl: (Talks about cellular respiration and photosynthesis for ten minutes using a chart filled with complicated illustrations.)
Me: Oh. Awesome.
Girl: Okay. Have a nice day.
Me: ...Kay bye.

-It takes talent to so thoroughly deny the obvious. And let me tell you, I am talented.

-I like to say things, especially if I haven't thought about them first.

-Tavia: "Is this a remix?"
Me: "I don't know I'm watching a video of a dog taking a bath."

-It's like speaking to a brick wall. Or a small child. A very young wall made of bricks and children.

-I want to be inside your personal space.

-Tavia's Words of Wisdom: "You can buy a flamethrower for 230 dollars. Actually, 229.99."

-I wish Facebook was more specific: "Sarah is now friends with Mary because she wants to go through all of Mary's pictures and convince herself that Nick is crazy to date her because Mary is totally not that hot."

-Never look up symptoms online. So far I've found that I have Swine Flu, breast cancer, Lyme Disease, and a cerebrospinal fluid leak.

-I am singing the pokemon theme song VERY passionately. This feels right.

-I resisted the urge to buy chocolate at the vending machine for 25 minutes. I decided to reward myself for my perseverance by buying myself two chocolate bars at the vending machine. I'm teaching myself self-control with positive reinforcement.

-I fail at consistency so much that sometimes I even win at consistency.

-Furiously trying to memorize the Pokemon Rap. I'm pretty sure this is a sign that I need a hobby.

-Just googled nine times seven. I'm a sad excuse for a human being.

-Oh you're sorry? We'll see how sorry you really are. Give me your monetary resources.

-I have serious issues with this whole "keeping FAQ/ABOUT/CONTACT" pages current. I'm going to post the words "Salami makes people happy" on all of those pages and call it good.

-I'm rooting for you, really. It's just that your failure is really funny.

-The bottom of my bowl says it's not microwave safe. Whatever, bowl, you don't own me.

-What I should be doing: writing a rhetorical analysis paper. What I am doing: taking a quiz to find out which mythical creature I am. Oh boy!

-I wish I were half as deep as everyone else thinks they are.

-Coke for breakfast. But it's okay because it's caffeine free coke, so basically it's like juice.

-Sometimes my brain says to me "Hey, you're never going to be successful if you don't actually post on your blog" and I say "Well, brain, if you weren't so easily distracted..." and my brain says "SILENCE! Let's think about space pirates" and I'm all "THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT."

-I bought juice. I cannot open the juice. Conspiracy.

-If you like free food, you should read my blog. I'm not really giving away free food, but I like free food too, so I assume we have something in common.

-September resolution: have eyelashes and fingernails. DONE. I'm freakin' accomplished.

-"Do you remember me?! I haven't seen you since you were a baby!" ...Of course I remember you. Good thing I was a super intelligent memory advanced baby or you would look really stupid right now.

-Sometimes I look back and I'm all "...oh dang. In retrospect, maybe that wasn't such a good idea. Oh well. I wonder if we have dinosaur chicken nuggets in the freezer."

-New law: if you find any gold, it's mine.

-Nothing feels better than showering after a week of camping. Except maybe showering after two weeks of camping, but I'll never know because I would NEVER go camping for two weeks.

-I love posting my most personal, emotional struggles on facebook. It's very private, kind of like a virtual diary! And the best part is it's only accessible to 686 friends!

-The perfect Ramen isn't made on a stove. It's made in your heart.

-A friend of mine informed me that my status updates make me seem weird. If the only thing that makes me seem weird are my status updates, I think I'm doing pretty well.

-Google has a sad lack of scorpion puns. I checked.

-My life is exactly like a romantic comedy, except without the romance, or the comedy parts.

-I've worked out TWICE in a row. I had better wake up smokin' hot tomorrow, or SO HELP ME...

-A psycho stalker AND freezing rain? Oh boy, Christmas has come early this year!

-My shampoo spells amazing. I think it's made out of fairies.

-You know when you finish a project, and you spent a ton of time on it, and you're super proud, and then you show people and you're all "LOOK HOW AWESOME" and they're all "yeah cool" but they don't really care because it's not their project, and then you're all "whatever, screw you guys"? Well yeah. Screw you guys, this project is the bomb-tastic.

-Apparently her name is K-e-dollarsign-h-a, not K-dollarsign-s-h-a. Sorry, girl. The procunciation of the dollarsign throws me off.

-If I could punch pop culture in the eye, I would. And then I would hug it and tell it I was sorry, but I wouldn't mean it, and I'd probably get drunk the next night and punch it again. Because that's how I feel about pop culture.

-I almost punched him in the mouth with my brain. But I didn't, because the Jedi believe in peace.

-Oh Elton John. I wish you were here. You'd know what to do.

-My thought process goes from "man I should be doing homework" to "How many internet contests would I have to win in order to get Obama to make a guest appearance on my blog?"

-I know I'm full...I mean really full...but there's cake and I'm bored.

I have no words for this.

I wasn't planning on posting today, but...well, you'll see.

Blogger lets me see what people search for in Google when they stumble across my blog.  I was idly checking those stats today.

Really?  Right in between the sexy dream team??

...You guys I have no words.  I can't decide whether this is hilarious or slightly disturbing.  I'm going to go with both.

You guys are just too much.

Top ten fictional characters that I'd like to get my yum on with. Awwww yeah.

(I have no idea what that title even means.  Can you get your yum on with someone?  I don't know, but if you can, I'm going to do it every single day for the rest of forever.)

Today is Valentine's Day, did you know?  Some of us are rather Valentine-less and have to rely on vivid imaginations and heart-shaped cookies to carry us through the day.  Others get to face kiss for hours.  WHATEVER.  The rest of us don't even care.  Enjoy your face kissing.  Jerks.

Anyway, in order to stop the pain just for fun, I've compiled a list of my favorite fictional mega hotties.  Enjoy.  Please keep your drool off the post.  Kthx.

Number 10: Link from The Legend of Zelda

Mmmmm.  Link.  The hair, the pointy ears, THE HAT.  I mean look at him.  He's like sexy wrapped in hot dusted with fiiiiiine.

Pros: If I were ever in danger from the evil Ganondorf, Link would totally have my back.  Also, he's probably really really good at braiding hair.  And I bet he's sensitive.

Cons: I've never actually heard him talk, although he does grunt occasionally.  That would kind of be a conversation killer.  Also, Navi is always following him around and every ten seconds she'd be all, "HEY!  LISTEN!" and then proceed to give Link really obvious dating tips like, "Kissing is when you put your mouth on another mouth" and then it would kind of get awkward.


Number 9: Ash Ketchum from Pokemon

Oh Ash...the enthusiasm.  The naivete.  THE HAT!  Is it totally weird that I have a crush on him?  True, he was ten when he began his epic journey of awesome, but then again, I was a kid when I started loving him.  So logically he's probably old enough for me to love now.  Right?  Right guys?

Pros: Ash probably would be the most enthusiastic date ever.  Also, he would be impressed by my extensive Pokemon card collection.  And have you heard him laugh?  It's super cute!!!11`2!11`

Cons: Ash probably would be the most enthusiastic date ever.  I'd be all, "I'm hungry" and he'd be like, "BUT WE HAVE TO GO CATCH THEM ALL!!!" and I'd be like, "Stop throwing pokeballs at me" and he'd be all, "LOOK, A WILD MEGAN!" and I'd be all, "THAT'S IT ASH, WE'RE OVER" and he'd be all, "Dang.  It got away."

Number 8: Jacob Black from New Moon

Oh come on.  Don't pretend like you don't love him.  I firmly believe that Stephenie Meyer trapped him in her world of insanity and that he's been battling his way out ever since.  JACOB IS HOT, I TELL YOU.  Just...skip Breaking Dawn.  Please

Pros: He's warm and muscular and so hot that it makes my teeth sweat.  Also, he's funny and friendly and I bet he would be really good at kissing.  Like...really good.  Plus, he could be my boyfriend AND my pet, thus eliminating my need for twelve puppies.  Instead I could have Jacob and three puppies.

Cons: He's always busy trying to get stupid, boring, whiny Bella to love him.  I don't know why.  She's the worst character in history.  Also, Breaking Dawn.  Just...Breaking Dawn.


Number 7: Cormac McLaggen from Harry Potter

I know that Cormac is a grade A idiot-face, but I mean...look at him.  He's just so beautiful.  Also, he plays quidditch and that's just sexy.  Quidditch players are the hottest athletes of all.

Pros: When he plays quidditch I could totally brag and be all, "Look at my super hot boyfriend being all awesome and magical and stuff" and then he could also teach me how to fly on a broomstick and it would be just like the time that I dreamed I was accepted into Hogwarts.  That would totally make up for my uncontrollable weeping on the night of my 11th birthday.  What are the chances that my acceptance letter is just 7 years late?  Probably pretty good, right?  ...Right?

Cons: He's a jerk.  A sexy, sexy jerk.


Number 6: Anakin Skywalker from Star Wars

Wanna Force kiss?  I love Anakin, not for his whiny, crappy character, but for his luscious hair.

Pros: Anakin is basically incredibly skilled at everything, so much so that he can even defy physics, Coruscant assassin chase style.  Um, also I would be dating a Jedi.  And if I were dating him, I would be such a good influence that he never would have betrayed the Jedi order.  But then the original Star Wars movies would be ruined.  Hmmm.  Maybe this is a con.

Cons: He's a whiny baby who talks smack on his master.  Not cool, Ani.  Also, his nickname is "Ani."  Oh and plus, there's a very limited time frame to love his face off, cause first he's a stupid kid and then he becomes horribly disfigured.  Although I probably would still hold hands with Darth Vader.


Number 5: Westley from The Princess Bride

Westley gets two pictures because I want double the Westley.  He's a pirate, guys.  HE'S A SEXY PIRATE.

Pros: HE'S A SEXY PIRATE.  He'll do anything for true love.  He's clever and witty.  He's a clever, romantic, sexy pirate.  And his teeth are phenomenal.

Cons: Westley is dating Buttercup, who is a brat.  A lovely, lovely brat.  Also, Cary Elwes had to go get old and ruin my perception of Westley by taking a role in the Ella Enchanted movie.  For shame, Cary.  For shame.


Number 4: Howl from Howl's Moving Castle

I don't know why I love Howl so effing much, but just googling pictures of him made my insides feel all squishy and mushy and I was all, "LOVE ME."  My mad hot adoration for Howl started when I saw this movie, and man, was I hit hard with true, true love.  If you haven't seen this movie, you absolutely have to.  Then you will know exactly what I mean.

Pros: Howl is voiced by Christian Bale, another super fine specimen of the male species.  Also, Howl is just as hot in the book as in the movie.  Now that's a rare find, ladies.

Cons: He's a super player.  He likes to love 'em and leave 'em.  Also, he turns into a giant bird monster, which is actually kind of cool but also would make cuddling a little hard.



 Number 3: Han Solo from Star Wars

 My favorite scoundrel of all time.  He's a wise-crackin' smuggler whose best friend is a walking carpet.  WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR??

Pros: He's Han freaking Solo.  Han, you can smuggle me any day.  Does that sound dirty to you?  I didn't mean for it to sound dirty.  I actually don't know what I was trying to say.  Look, Han, can I kiss you on the mouth?

Cons: He isn't real.  I lament this fact every day.


Number 2: Aragorn from The Lord of the Rings

 Aragorn.  Oh, Aragorn.  Here comes the point in this list where my sentences become significantly less coherent because I'm busy staring at pictures of Aragorn.  He doesn't shower, he's constantly rolling around in dirt, he's generally covered in grime, blood, and sweat, and yet he still manages to be so sexy it's almost painful.  HOT HOT LOVE.

Pros: Basically everything.  He's courageous, hot, valiant, strong, hot, a warrior, romantic, clever, hot, noble.....

Cons: The likelihood of him dying in some bad-a battle is very high.  And yet, he doesn't die in any of them.  So I guess what I'm saying is that he has no cons.  Maybe his lack of hygiene...?  No.  No, not even that.


Number 1:  Edward Cullen!

....Hahahahaha gross, just kidding.

Number 1: Legolas from The Lord of the Rings

 Choosing just one picture of Legolas was absolutely heartbreaking.  However, seeing my computer screen filled with photos of his elfin glory made my day about 78 times better.  I used to think that I was in love with Orlando Bloom, but as it turns out I just love Legolas.  So much.  OHMYGOODNESSSOMUCH.  He's perfect and wonderful and I don't even care that he moves like a female because he's an elf, what do you want?!?!  Also, he's bad-a with that bow.

Pros: Everything.

Cons: Absolutely nothing.



Now please excuse me while I go watch all the LOTR movies and hyperventilate at the sexy dream team.

UPDATE: I've probably forgotten about a bajillion sexy men on this list.  As I think of them or people remind me of them, I'll post them right here on my "I STILL LOVE YOU" list, because the world always needs more lists involving smexy men.

I STILL LOVE YOU...
1. Logan/Wolverine: The steel running through your anatomy might be cold, but you are smoking hot.
2. Ronald Weasley: I find myself less attracted to you this year, but your general adorable-ness cannot go unnamed.
3. Batman: Oh Christian Bale.  OH CHRISTIAN BALE.
4. Jim Halpert: Cute, quirky, all around adorable.
5. Prince Zuko: In the infamous words of Carmen Rae Thorley, "I don't know.  The whole scar-faced, dark past thing is hot."