In case anyone forgot how unproductive I am

Technically this chart is now inaccurate, since I also spent a significant amount of time making this chart.

Tavia and I talk drugs. Because that's what we do, yo.

Tavia: DUDE.  I'm working in a house, like fixing it up while I'm here, and I found coke, like the drug, in it today.

Me: Did you SELL IT.  I would have sold it.  And then CALLED THE COPS.

Tavia: I couldn't sell it, it was all over this shelf I was cleaning off.  Oh, and then I found weed in the freezer.

Me: How do you know it was coke?  Maybe the dude liked flour.  Or sugar.  Or crystal meth.

Tavia: It was coke.  We asked the other guy who was working with us.

Me: Did you smell it?  I probably would have smelled it just to make sure. Which is why I'm not allowed around cocaine.

Tavia: ...You have a lot to blog about.

Me: Wait, you found the weed IN THE FREEZER?

Ice factory

Hello there, I'm Megan Prietzel, founder and president of Megan's Crazy Ice Factory.  Do you want a fulfilling job in a booming business market?  Do you like cold beverages?  Do you hate heat stroke?  Then, boy, do I have an offer for you!

Simply come on down to Megan's Crazy Ice Factory and apply for a job today!  Here at Megan's Crazy Ice Factory, we have a variety of FANTASTIC careers for you to choose from.

Ice Magician
Ice Magicians (Patent Pending) are where the "magic" really starts to happen!  (You see what I did there?  Lolz, I'm the funniest boss in the ever.)  As an Ice Magician (Patent Pending) you'll create scrumptious ice cubes using Water (Patent Pending).  It will be your responsibility to pour our (almost) patented Water into special trays.  This is where the whole process begins!

If the end result doesn't taste good, we'll fire and decapitate you!  Haha! 

Water Stirrer
As a Water Stirrer (patent pending) you will hold a large wooden spoon and stir water ALL DAY LONG.  This process ensures that the Water is stirred!

Water Safety Expert
Our factory is absolutely FULL of radiation emitted from our nuclear generator, which I think is leaking.  However, our Water Safety Experts are on the clock 24 hours a day, pouring ammonia and bleach into all of our Water in order to ensure consumer safety!  Water Safety Experts also add lots and lots of different ingredients and flavors to the Water in order to ensure that costumers never ever figure out that they're ingesting chemicals!  LOL!

Elephant Checker
Elephants are not allowed in our Ice Cubes!  Elephant Checkers use state of the art elephant detecting technology to search for and remove any stray elephants from any of our ingredients!  Elephant Checkers also clean the factory, so that we don't have to hire a janitor.

Freezer

Ice Taste Tester
We take quality very seriously here at Megan's Crazy Ice Factory.  That's why we hire fully trained Ice Taste Testers.  As a new recruit, you will attend a fifteen minute training session with me, Megan Prietzel of Megan's Crazy Ice Factory, where I, Megan Prietzel of Megan's Crazy Ice Factory, will instruct you on the fine art of Ice Taste Testing.  After a rigorous but super fun training experience, you will be locked in a room with nothing but a huge freezer and a conveyor belt, which will deliver freshly made Crazy Ice Cubes (patent pending) for you to taste!

Our taste testing motto is, "Once you taste it, you sure can't waste it!" so after determining the Yummy Factor (patent pending) of each individual ice cube, you'll package the delicious chunks of frozen yum and send them to our Quality Assurance Center.

Quality Assurance Center-ist
Quality is important to us here at Megan's Crazy Ice Factory.  That's why we hire dozens and dozens of Quality Assurance Center-ists to lick each and every ice cube at least seven times, checking for taste, smell, color, elephants, and taste.  Also, color.  We check for that too.  At Megan's Crazy Ice Factory, we like to shoot for "Quality" which stands for "Quietly Utilize A Licking Ice Taster, Yes!"  This motto reminds our employees to lick EVERY ice cube until each and every cube is coated in a layer of saliva!

Packaging Drone
As a member of our packaging staff, you (patent pending) will be responsible for (patent pending) stuffing the Crazy Ice Cubes (patent pending) into plastic (patent pending) bags and shipping them to a third world country, where the Cubes will be properly packaged, and then sent back to our factory!

Delivery Expert
You get to drive a truck!  Yaaaay!  Vroom vroom!

Minion
Must come to factory to apply.  Must have little to no tendency for remorse, ability to operate heavy machinery, and knowledge of underground tunnel systems worldwide.




Convinced yet?  As a member of our award wining staff* you will have the opportunity to produce award winning ice** to be distributed to your very own neighborhood market!  All employees receive a benefit package including: ten dollars towards dental insurance each year, 30 minutes of vacation time for every 6 years of work at the factory, an invisible and intangible unicorn, a year's worth of free breathing privileges and oxygen in the factory,  and a 0.00000001% discount on all Crazy Ice products!  Now that's an offer you just can't refuse!


And remember, look for Megan's Crazy Ice at your local grocery store for only $15.99 per cube!

"Only $15.99?!  THAT'S CRAZY!!"

That's not crazy, that's just how we do business here at Megan's Crazy Ice Factory.


*Winner of the Megan Prietzel award for "Awesomest Staff, Like, Ever."
**Winner of the Megan Prietzel award for "THAT'S SOME TASTY ICE."

I keep trying to Photoshop griffin wings onto a unicorn with a machine gun, but apparently Photoshop hates me.

*Updated*: I'm not actually trying to use a machine gun to work Photoshop. That would just be destructive. Probably in an entertaining way though.


I won something at my school called the "Block E" award, a fact that I found out at graduation. I would tell you why, but I'm not really sure why. Maybe the administrators think I'm excellent. Or maybe they'd pegged me as the type to blow up the school if I didn't get some sort of special recognition. So they gave me a wooden "E" and a sense of unearned accomplishment. Sweet.

Sorry. School violence humor is not funny. School violence is bad. I love happiness and friendship. My peers are so awesome and I'm totally not going to blow them up and all the flammables under my bed are just for science experiments, I swear.


My award in all of it's glory. It came with a nice pin. The certificate says "This certifies that the official "E" of East High is awarded to Megan Prietzel, given in the State of Utah." .....So....can anyone else figure out what it is I accomplished? And now I feel like I'm under some pressure to be awesome, because I've got The Official "E" of my school. THE OFFICIAL "E". I am the official bearer of the official "E" which has officially been awarded to me. Does this school even know me? YOU SHOULD NOT LET ME OFFICIALLY BEAR ANYTHING. I will officially screw it up. Whatever, though. Now I'm the Supreme Dictator of the State of Utah and the official bearer of East High School's official "E", so I dare anyone to question my authority.

Anyway, I just really want to use my "Block E" award to do something meaningful. Like saving baby dolphins. Or I could travel the country with my wooden "E" and shiny red pin and speak to underprivileged kids about how sometimes you can totally get an award for doing absolutely nothing of any merit. Seriously guys, I didn't do a thing. It was like East High was all "Here, Megan. This is for being adequate" and I'm all suh-weet-tastic because it's about darn time someone recognized me for my adequacy. Do you know how hard it is to maintain that image? I constantly have to limit myself from being astonishing. Like a unicorn-griffin with a machine gun that wears a paper bag over its head so that people don't freak out and take pictures and sell them to trashy magazines and then the unicorn-griffin would have to go into hiding and stuff. So yeah. My adequacy=a paper bag.

Holy crap, I'm a great person.

I'm going to bring my "Block E" awards to job interviews and be all "I'm a winner, jerk-heads." So, yeah, take that, hard-working students who have "resumes" and "work experience" and "computer skills." I'm accomplished because of nothing.

So this is what achievement feels like.

I don't know why I haven't been elected yet

For my U.S. Government class, we went to the Utah State Capitol, which I'm pretty sure is a Capitol as opposed to a Capital. Although it has Capitals in it. I could be wrong, it's just never happened before.

So anyway, I thought that maybe this would be my opportunity to seize the power that should, by all rights, be mine. I figured it wouldn't be too hard to slip myself into some bill as the "Supreme Dictator of the State of Utah," but guess what guys, there are RAILS (LIKE SAFETY RAILS) AROUND THE BILL VOTING AREA. I think those areas are called the Senate and the House. Whatever.  But seriously, it's like they don't want me to write myself into a bill as a dictator.

I had to compensate somehow, so I entertained myself by having my friend Michael take pictures of me sitting in places I wasn't allowed in. Also, there were sombreros involved. And I met a guy who works for a news station, and we're now BFF's. So, yeah, I'm kind of important, almost better than the Supreme Dictator of the State of Utah.

At one point, Michael said he'd pay me a dollar if I ran away from our tour guide and up the stairs to touch the Senate door. Which I did, and I still don't have my dollar. And the teacher watched me run all the way up the stairs like "oh no, here we go," and it was awesome.


This is me sitting on a table I wasn't supposed to be sitting on. The tour guide caught me and gave me a sour look. Apparently we were in the governor's office. The governor really needs more comfortable tables.


This is me climbing on a pillar I wasn't supposed to be climbing on but the tour guide wasn't very tall or loud so I couldn't see her or hear her, so really, this is me trying to be a good student. It's not my fault if I have to climb on forbidden pillars in order to learn.


This is me sitting on a very fancy chair at the head of a very fancy table in a very fancy reception room reserved for special guests because all this fancy furniture is very expensive.

My favorite part were the golden cherubs decorating the ceiling. See, I thought cherubs were tacky, but since they're in the Utah State Capitol, I guess cherubs are alright by me. If I ever live in a mansion, I'm going to commission a dozen golden cherub ceilings. Cherubs for everyone!

Anyway, I wasn't supposed to be sitting in this chair, but I sneaked onto it after the guide turned away and Michael was just about to take a picture when some kid was all "HEY is she allowed to do that??" and I almost punched him in the mouth with my brain. But I didn't, because the Jedi believe in peace. So the tour guide sort of got this horrified look on her face and didn't say anything for a very tense moment. Then she was all "Um...I guess..." but I think since it was already too late, she realized she had no choice. Or perhaps the tour guide understood that the powers of the force aren't to be trifled with. She needs to have a serious conversation with the kid who tried to get me in trouble.


After that incident, I think I did pretty well, behavior-wise. At one point I saw a bunch of people in sombreros and I was all "...Michael...I really want a picture with them."  The above picture is photographic evidence that sombreros were in fact involved in my visit.

I don't really know what the sombrero people were doing at the Utah State Capitol. They probably heard about the cherubs.


The capitol was swarming with reporters and cameras and stuff but I didn't really notice until Michael was all "Want a picture with a news guy?" and I was all "DO I?!?!" which means yes. So I sidled up next to this guy, who had a lovely purple tie. Michael asked if he could take a picture of us together, and the guy was all "Um...really?" and because I'm brilliant, my witty reply was "Yes. I like your purple tie." At that point, purple-tie-man just sort of stared at me and said "Okay I guess." But not in a rude way. More of like in a "this-strange-girl-just-showed-up-beside-me-and-wants-a-picture-with-my-tie" kind of way. Actually, he was very nice and gave us his full attention. So purple-tie-man and I kind of awkwardly smiled and Michael snapped a picture and then the purple-tie-man shook my hand and said "I'm Rich, by the way" and apparently Rich is really Richard Piatt who works for KSL news. So, yeah, that's me rubbing shoulders with important people, guys. And if you go here you can read his bio on KSL's website, where he hasn't mentioned me, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

Behind me there's a press conference going on. I can only assume that all those people were there because they'd heard I'd be at the capitol trying to assert myself as Supreme Dictator of the State of Utah. Unfortunately, my tour guide, teacher, and fellow classmates weren't of the same opinion, so I never went and made my prepared speech. It was a disappointment to the entire news community. Sorry, Rich. I tried, buddy.

On the bus ride back, I happened to be sitting next to the emergency escape door, and did you know that when you open that thing an alarm goes off? Cause I didn't. Michael made me do it.