Second trimester recap. It's all downhill from here.

First, I'm feeling awesome. I mean, like, as awesome as you ever feel during pregnancy. Sure, my back aches and my hips feel like they're being beaten with hammers every night, but after the first trimester that's like comparing a bee sting to being hit by a truck.

Except maybe that's a bad example because I'm irrational enough to rather be hit by a truck than stung by a bee. Well that's unsettling. It may be time to look at my priorities.

Anyway.

Taken at about 26 weeks

Thoughts: I'm almost 27 weeks pregnant, which means the second trimester is drawing to a close. This is super weird because on the one hand, I can't wait to meet Baby Girl. On the other hand, I feel totally unprepared. Yes, we've got a crib and a changing table and a diaper bag and a bunch of other things, but what about BURP CLOTHS and BOTTLES and a STROLLER?!? I'm also getting pretty paranoid. I've always thought I'd be a relaxed first time mom, but everyone keeps warning me about having a baby in the winter and how every human in the world is basically just a walking disease waiting to infect my newborn. The doctor recommended that everyone close to baby get their vaccines updated. I'm now going to be that annoying mom that's like, "Sure you can hold her, IF YOU GOT YOUR FLU SHOT."

Symptoms: My nausea is pretty under control, but I do still have a bad day occasionally where I throw up at work. I take a half a Unisom at night along with half a B6 vitamin in the morning and evening and that seems to generally control my nausea. The doctor says this is normal, so I'm not too worried. I'm also starting to ache quite a bit, which means I take lots of baths to soothe my muscles. I'm also experiencing mood swings, meaning I'm annoyed just at everything all the time. Eric will be like, "Hey can you cand me the remote right next to you?" and internally I'm all, "HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME THAT WAY??" I find myself mentally controlling my reactions to people, because it isn't their fault that everything is unbearably irritating lately.

 I've never had heartburn before but now it's a pretty regular friend, along with gall bladder pain. Which is super, because I didn't know what a gall bladder was before and now I'm an unwilling expert. People are like, "Why are you grimacing?" and I'm all, "Oh, don't worry, just my GALL BLADDER BEING SHOVED INTO MY RIBS." I do also have to say that pregnancy comes with a variety of...strange symptoms. For example, my abs hurt now because they're separating. I mean SEPARATING. If I flex and bend in just the right way, you can see the gap in between them where they used to meet. This is just because baby is busy taking up more and more space and is apparently normal. It's still mildly horrifying.

Movement: This girl is a wiggler. She's constantly rolling, kicking, and punching, and I can tell when she's awake and when she's asleep because if she isn't sleeping, she's practicing karate. I can see it now and it's kind of weird because my whole stomach will roll around in waves. She also likes to stick body parts into me, resulting in an awkward lump that I have to gently pat back in. I've also noticed that she gets the hiccups a few times a day. Also, if I'm resting something on my belly, she'll kick it off. It's pretty cute unless I'm trying to read or use my laptop while lying down. She responds to music and light, and sometimes I'll shine a flashlight on my stomach or play some quiet music through an earbud held up against my stomach, and she'll go nuts. We went to an Imagine Dragons concert the other night and I was really worried because she was so obviously reacting to the loud music, but the doctor said everything would be fine.

Cravings/aversions/eating: I crave weird stuff. Last week I ate a can of olives for dinner every night for like 5 days. I've also had a pomegranate almost every night. Usually I'll get hit HARD by a craving randomly, and not be able to stop thinking about it until I get it. Fortunately my doctor okay'd as much sushi as my little heart desires, so I indulge in that craving sometimes. As far as aversions go, it really comes down to smells. Particularly, the smell of cheese really grosses me out, and thus anything cheesy has become absolutely disgusting. I've definitely noticed my appetite growing as my nausea decreases. My doctor says my weight gain is great, I've gained about 6 pounds in the last month which is good because I lost 15 in the first trimester due to sickness. But with the holidays coming up, he did warn me to be careful about eating too much or eating too many treats. This should be impossible, considering food is possibly my favorite thing in the whole entire world.

Workouts: With all the bustle of getting moved and preparing the nursery, I haven't been working out much since I'm so tired at the end of every day, but I've tried to do yoga once in a while. Honestly I think I'm getting enough activity in, though. It seems like every day there's a new project to finish.

Sleep: I wake up 3-5 times a night to go to the bathroom, and I'm having trouble getting comfortable. My right hip has started to tingle nonstop at night, especially when I lay on it, and it's not my favorite sensation ever. I also have crazy dreams, so when I do sleep it isn't particularly restful.

Clothes: I used the rubber band trick on my regular jeans for a while until even that started to hurt, and then I finally broke down and invested in a few pairs of maternity jeans. They're awesome. And thrifting is my best friend, because did you know that maternity pants, like, never go on sale? What the heck is up with that?? So either I shell out absurd amounts of money or I walk around naked, is that it? WELL THEN NAKED IT IS, SIR. Except no, I bought the pants because I'm aware of societal expectations.

Doctor appointments: Today I had a regular check up and baby had a perfect heartbeat of 160 bpm. After two miscarriages, I think the sound of her heart beating is probably the most beautiful thing in the world, and I'm sure Eric agrees with me. I also got my flu shot today, which is recommended for all pregnant women before Halloween. Eric is getting his on Tuesday, and I'll be asking grandparents to get them too. I told you, crazy paranoid lady. Also, my doctor said that I should probably enjoy the enxt 3-4 weeks because I am pretty short, meaning that my uterus is almost to my ribs already. That means that, since baby is going to quadruple in size by birth, my uterus will have nowhere to go but forward and out. He said that I'll be getting pretty huge at that point, and my center of balance will be really thrown off so I'll need to be careful. Which is just great, because if you know me, you know that I have a hard time remaining upright when my center of gravity is normal.

Random: I get to take my glucose test sometime next week at my discretion, which basically means I have to chug a bottle of orange sugar water and then get my blood drawn to make sure I don't have gestational diabetes. There's not much you can do to prevent GD and it can happen to anyone, so here's hoping I'm lucky. Although, the other day I managed to sit directly on top of the only ant hill in our yard, so I'm going to go ahead and assume luck isn't on my side.

We also bought a tiny sweater for my tiny dog:

Doesn't he look overjoyed?!?! We're going to be heading to Gardner Village for some Halloween fun this weekend, which will probably make for an interesting blog post next week. And if it doesn't then I'll write a poem or something. I don't know. STOP PRESSURING ME.

PREGNANCY! TIME WARPS! SPAM COMMENTS ABOUT BLORN!

Let me first start off this post with a heartfelt thanks. I've been off the internet for a while dealing with life (AND ALSO WORKING ON ANOTHER PROJECT BUT SHHH) and I returned to find some very comforting and kind comments about my miscarriage. I read every single comment and they brought a very special tear to my eye.

That tear quickly evaporated, though, as I realized that my comments section has been entirely taken over by robots posting about...naughty things. SPAM, guys. I have a feeling that this post may be what drew the sharks (or should I say, alligators. HA. Funny.) to the waters of my humble blog. As such, I don't think I can type certain words without drawing more. As this is generally a family friendly blog, I think it's safe to say that those words are not likely to make an appearance. But most of the comments were about something that rhymes with blorn. And blex. And blebcams. I think I've spent about 300 hours deleting them all, because sacrifice. Although some of the comments are just cruel because they'll start out with, "How do you manage such a fantastic website? You are truly a wonder! Very soon you will be famous!" and I'm like, FINALLY THE CREDIT I DESERVE until I read the rest of the comment which just devolves into, "Free chat blorn at spammypage.com!"

It's a cruel blow to my ego. The spambots are getting revenge for my harsh treatment of Jenny. Apparently they hunt in packs. Hide.

Please, know that despite the claims of these robots, I do not visit blorn websites and blebcam websites. Nor do I have any family members working in the blorn industry spamming my comments section. That I know of. If you are my family member and you have something you'd like to tell me, I'm all ears. And please stop spamming my blog. I love you but no, I do not want to direct my friends to your blebcam.

...Everyone knows what "blorn" means, right? We're all on the same page? Good. On to happier and more appropriate subjects.

 

I'm pregnant! As of today I am 13 weeks and 6 days along, and officially out of the 12 week "danger zone" associated with high rates of miscarriages. 

If you're particularly observant, you'll notice that we are having a time traveling baby. This is in no way related to the fact that I have trouble remembering my own age these days. Maybe I meant 2014. Maybe not. In either case, I announced with this picture and it caused some confusion as people wondered whether I was announcing that I currently have a 6 month old baby, or that in 6 months I will have a newborn baby. MYSTERIES!

But the correct answer is newborn baby in 6 months.

In thinking of ways to get this blog up and running again after my regrettable hiatus, I decided I might as well take you all along on the sweaty, uncomfortable journey that is the miracle of creating new life. I also will probably overhaul my blog design again...when I finally get to it. Now the only question is how do I make a visually appealing grown-up blog while still shoving unicorns into every illustration? So far, the answer escapes me. 

Without further ado, here is how the miracle of life has developed over the last 14 weeks.

Thoughts: It's a strange feeling. After two unexplained miscarriages, Eric and I (or should I say mostly I) were feeling a little down about the whole thing. I conceived this baby right after my second miscarriage, which surprised everyone. I didn't have much hope that things would progress normally, and it hasn't been real until this week. We announced yesterday because we finally got in for a Doppler appointment and were able to hear baby bean's heartbeat. I was incredibly nervous, because we'd had an ultrasound at 6 weeks, and the heartbeat was only at 90 BPM. If that number doesn't mean much to you...well it's not good. It's really low. As far as we can figure, the heart had just started beating that day, which is why it was still so slow and picking up speed. At our appointment yesterday, the baby had a very healthy 165 BPM. It's feeling more real every day. 

Doctor appointment: I have had a million appointments. Because of my unexplained miscarriages, I had to take many unpleasant tests. I can pee in a cup with my eyes closed now. No big. Also, I'm pretty sure my doctor might actually be a vampire because she ordered more blood drawn than I think is probably healthy. At every drawing I was like, "I see you have five tubes filled with my blood now. Are we almost done?" and the answer was always NO. NOT EVEN CLOSE. Still, I'm very grateful to have access to medical care and testing. It gave me huge peace of mind to know that, somewhere, a lab tech was looking at my pee through a microscope to make sure I'm healthy. That's what they do, right?

Baby: Beanie baby is now about the size of a lemon. He/she has a cute little face and can squint, grimace, smile, and suck his/her thumb. My baby can also pee. That's fun, considering the urge to pee dominates my entire life. Mother-child bonding time. We enjoy the same activities. Awwwww.

Weight: Since the beginning of pregnancy, I've probably lost about 10 to 15 pounds. That's what happens when the only appetizing foods in the house are pickles and pretzels, I suppose. Also, when you immediately throw up said pickles and pretzels. YUM.

Symptoms: I've had pretty much every symptom in the  book. I'm ridiculously sick many days, and battle constant nausea. The toilet and I have a very close relationship these days, both because my stomach enjoys the whole throwing up thing, and because my bladder has decided to fill itself every hour. I've also been enjoying regular migraines and fatigue. You know that sick, weak feeling you have after battling the flu for a few days? I feel like that most of the time. I'm taking Zofran, unisom, and B6 to control the nausea because I was losing too much weight and getting dehydrated. The medicine helps control things, but I still have pretty bad days. I also have insanely vivid dreams. They're so realistic that I often can't figure out whether events have really happened or whether I just dreamed them two days earlier. I think Eric's least favorite symptom is the mood swings. I get irritated more easily than ever in my life...I also cry more easily than is mentally sound. The other day I sobbed because our new Monsters, Inc. Blu Ray had three discs instead of two inside. Logically, I realize this is no reason to cry. However, that doesn't stop my eyes from tearing up every time I think about it.

Movement: Baby is apparently performing acrobatics inside of me, but I can't feel it yet.

Cravings/aversions/eating: I have an aversion to just about every food on the planet. Occasionally those aversions will go away long enough for me to experience an insane craving for something, at which point I'll go to the store and buy 17 of them. After about two servings, though, the aversion returns full force and I have to throw the rest of the food away. I am having a big problem struggling to control my craving for doughnuts this week. I haven't been able to eat too much, unfortunately. I can't really imagine ever enjoying food again. It's kind of tragic.

Workouts: HAHAHAHAHA. HA. HAHAHAHA.

Sleep: I could sleep for days. Unfortunately, I have to wake up every two hours to go to the bathroom, so my sleep is pretty interrupted. Also, those dang DREAMS...

Clothes: Since getting pregnant, my clothes fit better than ever before, what with the whole weight loss thing. But as I head into the second trimester here and my symptoms get better, I'll probably have to say goodbye to my skinny jeans. I hardly knew thee.

 Random: Now that I can finally talk openly about this pregnancy, I'll probably be posting a lot more about it. If you want to see all my baby-related adventures, follow me on instagram. There's a handy little link in the right column. Or you can just search "megansquared" on your phone. I also take lots of pictures of my puppy, Sherlock. 

Again, thank you for all of the support and kind words over the past few months. I'm excited to share this new journey with you all! And please don't send me links to blorn. Thank you.

That one time when a particularly voluptuous robot swindled me out of some alligators

Today I was checking my email on Hotmail because I signed up for an email account at the age of 13 and I don't like change so HOTMAIL IT IS. Little did I know that the MSN messenger chat service I also used at the age of 13 was up and functional, and I was totally signed in to it. Then a little chat box popped up on my screen from Jen+Lova. Now, I'm not entirely sure who she is, but I'm positive she's a robot. So I guess I am entirely sure who she is.

Jen+Lova says:

heya

megan prietzel says:

Hello, who is this?

Jen+Lova says:

hello to you too

megan prietzel says:

You don't know who I am.

I mean it's possible, but I doubt it.

Jen+Lova says:

Hey hun, How ru doing today? Wanna chat for a little ?!? Im bored and wanted to meet new people... 

megan prietzel says:

Ooooh I see. This is a spam bot. I GET YOU NOW.

Jen+Lova says:

nah, I am a vegetarian... no spam for me! haha

megan prietzel says:

Oh okay, so you're a spam bot that automatically sends a negative response whenever I type the word "spam."

Jen+Lova says:

a what?

megan prietzel says:

SPAM

SPAMMY SPAM SPAM

Jen+Lova says:

Cool... Well, I am Jenny Im originally from S.Florida... Let me ask you a question?

megan prietzel says:

Okay, but first let me ask you one. Is it fulfilling, being a spam bot? I mean, do you get a sense of accomplishment from your work?

I once considered being a spam bot, however I'm not a robot.

It was a poor career choice.

Jen+Lova says:

bot? like a robot? lol

megan prietzel says:

Yes, like your people, Jenny from South Florida.

Jen+Lova says:

i LOVE florida, my best friend Becky lives in Boca Raton, I visit down there all the time

megan prietzel says:

I've been to Florida twice, but I was quite disappointed by the lack of wild alligators roaming the streets.

Jen+Lova says:

Which kinda women u in to ? r u in to NICE TITS or a NICE APPLE BOTTOM ?

 :)

megan prietzel says:

Well, as a heterosexual female, I'm not really into any women, regardless of their varying physical assets. I AM however, into alligators. Why did I not see more alligators, Jenny?

Jen+Lova says:

yes im real

megan prietzel says:

Ah, well that settles it then. You MUST be real.

Jen+Lova says:

good question, huh? lol.. I have a lot of both!! :) would u like to see? I have some free time now... 

megan prietzel says:

A lot of alligators? Or a lot of physical assets? I'd be very interested in seeing the alligators. Could you please email me some photos of said alligators? And could you please name one Pixie McGillus for me? And could you tell her she's the prettiest alligator of them all?

Jen+Lova says:

pics are old skool hehe, i like to do cam 2 cam :) i'm online right now http://www.reddit.com/tb/y90pm/im the main girl u see there, type to me on the right hand side of my video

megan prietzel says:

Oh, I don't mind if the photos are old school. Alligators do well in all types of photography genres, I think. Very timeless, alligators. 

Jen+Lova says:

pics are old skool hehe, i like to do cam 2 cam :) i'm online right now http://www.reddit.com/tb/y90pm/im the main girl u see there, type to me on the right hand side of my video

megan prietzel says:

Oh, I think you resent that, robot.

I MEAN DEFINITELY REAL GIRL.

Jen+Lova says:

i dont think so

megan prietzel says:

...I think you did. In fact I can see that you did.

You definitely did, Jenna.

Jen+Lova says:

Yay... let me set up my cam n u can watch me shake my booty!! LOL.. brb 

megan prietzel says:

I'm starting to suspect that you're not from South Florida AT ALL.

Jen+Lova says:

Ok! Click here http://www.reddit.com/tb/y90pm/and we'll have a PRIVATE 1on1 chat..There's plenty pix of me in there, if you like click the "join free" on top, then register and it'll take you straight to my webcam, I'll be there in a minute.. :)

megan prietzel says:

Is Booty the name of one of your alligators?

Jen+Lova says:

jennifer is my real name but all my friends call me jenny

megan prietzel says:

Hey Jennifer, I'm totally online on your website thing. SHOW ME THE GATORS.

Jen+Lova says:

hey whats up sweetie?

megan prietzel says:

You know, I'm trying to have a conversation with you, but you're so disjointed that I'm starting to think you don't really know what's going on.

Like you're distracted, or something.

Jen+Lova says:

It might say that im offline, just start signing up.. im getting on now.. 

megan prietzel says:

Oh, oh so you're NOT online?

Wait, I thought you were DEFINITELY online.

I thought we were going to do this alligator thing. Am I being had, Jenny?

Jen+Lova says:

There is no charge to sign up, but its gonna ask you for your credit card. Im wearing almost nothing and I dont want any kids watching me!! lol.. 

megan prietzel says:

All I have to do to verify my age is give you all my credit card information? Sounds legit.

Jen+Lova says:

Once you've completed that, it'll automatically redirect you to my webcam page.. u better give me some "gold" when you're on the site lol..it's like a flirt and I'd love some from you ..k? :)

megan prietzel says:

Okay I'm a little stuck. Should I also include my social security number, just to make ABSOLUTELY sure that I'm not under 18?

Jen+Lova says:

24/f/Houston

megan prietzel says:

I THOUGHT YOU WERE FROM FLORIDA.

I don't know what to believe anymore. 

Jen+Lova says: 

k u in?

megan prietzel says:

...Well I guess so. I must admit, my faith in you is a little shaken, but as you now have my credit card information and my social security number, who can I trust if not you, right? LOL.

Jen+Lova says:

my cell is 206-222-1648, please dont give that out! lol

megan prietzel says:

I'm totally posting this to my blog, you know.

JESSICA, WHERE DID YOU GO?

I mean, Jennifer.

Jenny.

Whatever.

...There are no alligators, are there?

I never did get to see Pixie McGillus. But I am now fighting the irrational urge to call that number and continue on our conversation about alligators. I could be like, "Oh yeah, no really, I TOTALLY want to see your apple bottom, but first answer me this: do alligators really live in sewers, or is that just an urban legend?"

If I only had the right voodoo dieting spell

A couple of mornings ago I walked downstairs expecting to have a bowl of Special K cereal. I bought the Special K because I'm positive it has magical weight-loss powers, mostly because of the commercial with the lady walking on the beach. You know. The one where she's covered up in a gauzy little shawl but then oops! The wind blew my shawl away! And then she sassily struts her Special K bod because she's black and skinny and holllaaaaa. That one. Anyway, I'm like Regina George, in that I really want to lose three pounds because my wedding dress, which fits, but I'm convinced that I need to lose three pounds, and until I do nothing is okay and I am a hideous beast and Special K. I had one bowl of it the morning after I bought it and I thought the results should be a bit more noticeable, but then I reasoned with myself and was all, "Maybe you have to eat two bowls. Or perform a voodoo ritual." Point is, I needed more of it.

I walked downstairs and my younger brother was eating my Special K. At first I was like whatevs because how much cereal can a 17 year old boy eat? But then I grabbed the box and the answer is "all of it." There were crumbs left at the bottom of the Special K box. I immediately lost my mind.

Me: WHERE IS ALL MY SPECIAL K?
Brother: I ate it.
Me: WHY. THAT WAS MINE AND I BOUGHT IT.
Brother: It's my favorite cereal.
Me: I DON'T CARE IF IT'S THE ONLY KNOWN CURE TO YOUR LIFE-THREATENING DISEASE. THIS IS MY SPECIAL K.
Brother: Oh. Sorry.
Me: WHAT KIND OF HIGH SCHOOL KID'S FAVORITE CEREAL IS SPECIAL K?
Brother: Well, mine.
Me: I BOUGHT THIS YESTERDAY. I NEEDED IT TO PERFORM A VOODOO BODY RITUAL.
Brother: Eh.
Me: BUY ME MORE.
Brother: No.

And I spent the rest of my day fuming. The Special K is only one part in my many part plan to completely alter everything about myself in the month before my wedding. For example, I went to the dermatologist the other day, because I had this weird, dangerous looking bump on my arm. No big or anything. But when I got there, a supermodel wearing a doctor's coat walked into the room and was like, "Hi, what's the problem?" and I was like, "Supermodel, you're in Utah. I think you're looking for Milan. This isn't even the right country." But then she was actually the doctor. And she was like 20. And beautiful. And according to her degree on the wall, she graduated with honors in biochemistry from NYU. I was like, "I WANT TO BE EVERYTHING THAT YOU ARE" but I only said that in my head because it's difficult to express that sort of sentiment while wearing a hospital gown with any amount of dignity.

She zapped the arm thing off because I'm white like Elmer's glue. Except that if you leave Elmer's glue out in the sun for 20 minutes, it has a 78 percent chance of developing skin cancer, whereas I have like an 86. The good thing about this is that I've been able to alternate between wearing sparkly bandaids and Avengers bandaids all week.

I don't even like Special K all that much. If Cookie Crisp or Captain Crunch or Lucky Charms had the ability to make me skinny, I'd do that. But only Special K has that power. Apparently you're supposed to follow some voodoo diet where you don't eat utter crap for lunch and dinner, but one step at a time, amirite? Besides, today I ate like, half a bag of organic cherries after working out, so I think I'm set for a while. Because cherries are good for you. I looked up the nutritional information on the internet.

The point of this entire post was to introduce my new blog project, but I honestly have no idea how I was going to segue into it so how about a jarring and completely misplaced sentence? The new blog is a Tumblr called Relief Society Like Yeah, which is hilarious, but probably only if you're Mormon or go to BYU or are familiar with the culture of one or the other. I can only make so many jokes that are not about BYU parking.

I should probably also tell you that I'm engaged, because I just mentioned a wedding dress and half of you are probably like, "The eff is she talking about?" and the other half are like, "Isn't she like, 19?" Coincidentally, I just did an interview with Emma of SparkLife about being 19 and engaged, so if you'd like to berate me about my wasted life, read that first. Anyway, photographic evidence:

Look at us! Look at how blissfully engaged we are! His name is Eric and I'll probably write about him all the brickin' time now because we spend every waking moment either annoyed with each other or totally kissing. Notice how I chose a picture that doesn't show his face. That's because here is his face:

Now if only I can drag myself to the grocery store for more Special K, maybe he won't leave me for my dermatologist.

A post about how much high school sucks and how important it is to be a decent human being.

When I was in high school, I used to be really, incredibly, insanely, and PAINFULLY jealous of other girls.  I was insecure and more than a little awkward.  I was a total dork but pretended to be into school dances and shopping for expensive dresses and gossiping.

And you know what?  I failed.  I failed hard.  I failed so hard, in fact, that I became absolutely silent at school.  Seriously, if one of these girls who I wanted to be friends with so much as talked to me, my brain would freeze up and I would try so so hard to think of anything to say.  Anything at all.

Hi, self.  It's me again.  Say something.  Anything.  Say that you agree.  Or like her shoes.  Or...I don't know.  Say "hi"?  That's acceptable, right?

And then I would try to say "hi" and it would come out as a nervous squeak and I would feel shame for the rest of the day.

I eventually became friends with all the boys because, well, boys are chill.  They play Halo.  They high five.  They don't feel the need to bash every person not within hearing range.  Being friends with boys in high school, though, means that every single girl is going to call you names.  Mean names, horrible names, and sometimes they're going to blame you for things you didn't do just because blaming you is easier than facing problems themselves. And sometimes they're going to do that in the middle of lunch in front of everyone and it's going to be accompanied by swear words and you're going to cry and get mascara all over your face.  And then you'll go sit in your car and cry some more for a few hours and wonder what's wrong with you and then you'll go back inside and pretend like nothing happened, because that's what you do when you're in high school.  And believe me, I feel for you. It's a complex, messed up system. 

High school was this miserable time for me.  But I learned some freaking important lessons. Such as...


Sometimes, life is a five year old's birthday party.

What do I mean by that?  Well, some days you're the pinata and some days you're the blind little kid dangerously swinging a baseball bat.  In high school, I think I focused a bit too much on my pinata days.  I was angry, SO angry at the people who gossiped about me, hurt me, pretended to be friends with me, humiliated me in front of classmates, ignored me when I was standing right there, and called me a slut every five seconds.  So angry, in fact, that I still would cry about it well after graduation.

Funny thing though.  It's hard to be angry about that sort of thing when you understand something.  I was the punching bag a lot in school, but I'm often the blindfolded kid too.  Sometimes, people are blind.  They hurt you and they hurt you a lot but they don't understand what they are doing.  They learn from hurting you.  But, you have to remember, you learned from hurting someone too at some point in your life.  We don't always get to be the victim, sometimes we're the bad guy and honestly, that's actually good for us.  A decent person will learn from it.


Those people are NOT worth your tears.

I spent a few really creepy hours on Facebook recently stalking some of the girls who I used to be so insanely jealous of.  You know how I felt?  I didn't feel better than them, or equal to them, or included or vindicated or anything.  I just felt free.  I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing.  I've embraced the Star Wars loving, video game playing, pokemon obsessed girl that I am and that is beyond awesome, you guys. 

When you're doing what you love to do, it's hard to be jealous of anyone, even the people you enjoy and respect.  It isn't about feeling superior.  It isn't about feeling like you're the bigger person.  It's just about being so happy with yourself that they can't do anything about it anymore.  They just become unworthy of your tears, not because they are bad or fail-tastic people, but just because it isn't worth your time to cry about it anymore.


It is so so so so important to be kind.

I've grown up and I'm not going to give a verbal butt-kicking to the next mean girl I encounter from those days.  But I know how it feels.  I know what it's like to dwell on painful, hurtful memories.  I get the anger, the resentment, the depression.  I understand what it's like to feel like there is something immensely wrong with you.  I know that there are certain memories that just won't unstick themselves from you and that you can't wish away no matter how hard you try.  That's why I never ever EVER want to make someone feel that way.

Promise yourself right now that you will never be that person.  Don't make someone feel worthless.  Don't let a lonely kid fall through the cracks.  Be everyone's friend.  Be everyone's support.  You don't know what someone's life is like in reality.  Remember that indifference can be just as painful as outright cruelty to someone who feels alone.

Don't let anyone look back at you and see only what you did to them.  Don't even let them look back and remember you as the person who stood by and watched.

In the words of Jesse Jackson, never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up.