A post about how much high school sucks and how important it is to be a decent human being.

When I was in high school, I used to be really, incredibly, insanely, and PAINFULLY jealous of other girls.  I was insecure and more than a little awkward.  I was a total dork but pretended to be into school dances and shopping for expensive dresses and gossiping.

And you know what?  I failed.  I failed hard.  I failed so hard, in fact, that I became absolutely silent at school.  Seriously, if one of these girls who I wanted to be friends with so much as talked to me, my brain would freeze up and I would try so so hard to think of anything to say.  Anything at all.

Hi, self.  It's me again.  Say something.  Anything.  Say that you agree.  Or like her shoes.  Or...I don't know.  Say "hi"?  That's acceptable, right?

And then I would try to say "hi" and it would come out as a nervous squeak and I would feel shame for the rest of the day.

I eventually became friends with all the boys because, well, boys are chill.  They play Halo.  They high five.  They don't feel the need to bash every person not within hearing range.  Being friends with boys in high school, though, means that every single girl is going to call you names.  Mean names, horrible names, and sometimes they're going to blame you for things you didn't do just because blaming you is easier than facing problems themselves. And sometimes they're going to do that in the middle of lunch in front of everyone and it's going to be accompanied by swear words and you're going to cry and get mascara all over your face.  And then you'll go sit in your car and cry some more for a few hours and wonder what's wrong with you and then you'll go back inside and pretend like nothing happened, because that's what you do when you're in high school.  And believe me, I feel for you. It's a complex, messed up system. 

High school was this miserable time for me.  But I learned some freaking important lessons. Such as...


Sometimes, life is a five year old's birthday party.

What do I mean by that?  Well, some days you're the pinata and some days you're the blind little kid dangerously swinging a baseball bat.  In high school, I think I focused a bit too much on my pinata days.  I was angry, SO angry at the people who gossiped about me, hurt me, pretended to be friends with me, humiliated me in front of classmates, ignored me when I was standing right there, and called me a slut every five seconds.  So angry, in fact, that I still would cry about it well after graduation.

Funny thing though.  It's hard to be angry about that sort of thing when you understand something.  I was the punching bag a lot in school, but I'm often the blindfolded kid too.  Sometimes, people are blind.  They hurt you and they hurt you a lot but they don't understand what they are doing.  They learn from hurting you.  But, you have to remember, you learned from hurting someone too at some point in your life.  We don't always get to be the victim, sometimes we're the bad guy and honestly, that's actually good for us.  A decent person will learn from it.


Those people are NOT worth your tears.

I spent a few really creepy hours on Facebook recently stalking some of the girls who I used to be so insanely jealous of.  You know how I felt?  I didn't feel better than them, or equal to them, or included or vindicated or anything.  I just felt free.  I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing.  I've embraced the Star Wars loving, video game playing, pokemon obsessed girl that I am and that is beyond awesome, you guys. 

When you're doing what you love to do, it's hard to be jealous of anyone, even the people you enjoy and respect.  It isn't about feeling superior.  It isn't about feeling like you're the bigger person.  It's just about being so happy with yourself that they can't do anything about it anymore.  They just become unworthy of your tears, not because they are bad or fail-tastic people, but just because it isn't worth your time to cry about it anymore.


It is so so so so important to be kind.

I've grown up and I'm not going to give a verbal butt-kicking to the next mean girl I encounter from those days.  But I know how it feels.  I know what it's like to dwell on painful, hurtful memories.  I get the anger, the resentment, the depression.  I understand what it's like to feel like there is something immensely wrong with you.  I know that there are certain memories that just won't unstick themselves from you and that you can't wish away no matter how hard you try.  That's why I never ever EVER want to make someone feel that way.

Promise yourself right now that you will never be that person.  Don't make someone feel worthless.  Don't let a lonely kid fall through the cracks.  Be everyone's friend.  Be everyone's support.  You don't know what someone's life is like in reality.  Remember that indifference can be just as painful as outright cruelty to someone who feels alone.

Don't let anyone look back at you and see only what you did to them.  Don't even let them look back and remember you as the person who stood by and watched.

In the words of Jesse Jackson, never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up.

This is sad. Legitimately. *Updated*

Quick update on this post: I've deleted a few hateful comments already.  I'm not so much concerned about what you say about me, but I won't tolerate anyone who says anything about this girl or her family.  If you're one of those who would like to leave a hateful comment, feel free.  Just know that it will be deleted within seconds.

I'm really disturbed.  Yesterday a fifteen year old girl was hit by a train near my house. Her name was Shariah Casper and she was the cousin of a friend of mine.  This morning I spent an hour or so reading articles about the accident, which I won't recap here.  There are plenty of recaps elsewhere.  I found out that there was a facebook page dedicated to this girl and I "liked" it.

I can't remember the last time I've felt this revolted by human beings.

There are people on this page posting horrible, cruel, heartless things.  Someone has made a fake facebook account of Shariah and keeps posting on the page.  How disgusting.  How sickening.  I feel for this poor family who would undoubtedly do anything to have their little girl back.

"Your friends saw it? Lucky them. I always wondered what would happen, does the body like, explode? Or does it rip into two pieces?"

"The dumb b*tch was dumb enough to cross a train track. Thank god she died."

 "I don't have a problem, it's funny to rip on a dumb dead girl."

"rest in piss"

"That "poor" slut "

"Miss Casper, you and your tits will be missed."


That's really just the beginning of the pile of garbage overflowing out of that page.  That alone makes me angry and sickened, but these trolls (and I know they are trolls) have the standard defenses in place.  They cite "The Rules" and specifically Rule #20.  In case you aren't familiar, Rule #20 of the internet is that "nothing is to be taken seriously." 

As one commenter so aptly and simply put it, there is no rule #20. It only exists because people like this exist.

They say "don't feed the trolls."  They say "if you stop commenting on my post, I'll stop."  They say "this is the internet, get over it."

I love the internet, really I do.  Most of the time I find awesome things and awesome people here.  But this is what I really hate.  This idea that anonymity and a computer screen make it okay to say whatever you want to whoever you want.  It is so false.  These "Rules" and internet memes and phrases that get used to harass this girl's family are nothing more than a flimsy pretense that allows cruelty to go unchecked in this situation.  You can cite the rules all you want, but anyone who tries to use them as a free pass openly displays that they don't have a shred of human decency.  This isn't primarily about what is the norm on the internet. It's about a tragedy, a horrible accident, and the way some people react to it so...heartlessly.  I don't understand.  Just because the internet offers a sense of anonymity, does that really mean that we should all become monsters?  How can you consider yourself a nice person or a good person or any kind of decent person, really, if this is your reaction to such a sad event?

I have always had a problem with using the internet as an excuse for spreading hatred and pain because I know that it can do SO MUCH BETTER. 

Today I am disgusted, sickened, shocked.  I find it difficult to "not feed the trolls." That phrase implies that the hurtful comments of a troll are not their fault.  No.  Not true.  It's a TROLL'S fault if he or she posts cruel, heartless things.  No one else bears the responsibility for it.  Citing these internet excuses marks these people as cruel.  Cruel, cruel, cruel.  It's a lame defense and a callous defense.

I don't know what other word to use.

Words can't express the disgust I feel today.  The sadness, the shock, the anger that instead of offering support and kindness, the internet community offers hate and cruelty.

It's days like these that I'm ashamed to be a part of it.