How my mountain made me better

Pregnancy is scary.

It's incredible and uncomfortable and a gift, and it's scary.

The past few days have made this all seem real in a way that it never has before. This morning Eric and I were surprised and kind of amused to look at my belly and see that it was lopsided. Baby Girl was sitting curled up right by my belly button, and when I put my hand on her, she gave an almighty kick before squirming back into a less awkward looking position.

I've been thinking about that all day. I used to have a playlist of songs that comforted me after my miscarriages. I was in a sad place and a scared place, and I was hearing all sorts of frightening things from doctors. I tried to be optimistic, but in the back of my mind always was a little voice constantly whispering to me. What if you will never carry to term? What if you can't have children? What if something is wrong with you? What if this is forever? What if the tests find something? What if the tests don't find anything at all? What if there's never a reason?

I horrified myself a lot. In those times, I listened to my playlist and let my spirit soak in all the comfort it could. Music is important to me. I've always heard God speak to me through music when no other way could reach me. It has a way of softening my heart, of breaking through the anger and the bitterness that I sometimes have found myself lost in. I know when I feel resentment, I need to go listen to my music, because that's the surest way to heal my heart, or at least to help me listen to God's messages for me.

These days, I haven't listened to my playlist much. But today, after seeing such a clear indication that my baby is alive and well and thriving and demanding my attention, I decided to go back and listen to those songs, and to see if they would still touch my heart in the same way that they did when I was struggling.

It's interesting how easy it is for me to forget all the comfort the Lord has brought me in the past, when I finally get what I asked for.

I think those songs touched me more now than they ever have, because I look back and see them from the perspective of someone who has climbed that mountain. It's different to see your struggles from the peak. I can look down and see the places where I hurt the most, where I almost gave up, where I felt like I couldn't take another step. And I can see, from up here, that all of those tough places where I cried and prayed and continued on despite my pain were the places where I became better...and all of those places were where I found a foothold, even when I thought there was none. I look at myself from up here and I remember who I was at the bottom of the mountain, and I see all that has changed. I see all the rough edges I once had that are now softened. I see the new abilities I have now that I learned during my climb, even though at the time, it just felt like I was breaking apart. All that shaping and smoothing and becoming felt more like crumbling. But now I see that I'm stronger than ever, but I'm more, too. I have new places in my heart that I didn't have before, pockets of compassion and peace and hope that I didn't even realize were taking hold of me until they were there.

I listened to my old comfort playlist and I remembered being the girl who felt so small and so breakable and so alone, and I realize that she has changed. I'm proud of that girl, though. I'm grateful to her for trusting herself with Heavenly Father, even though she felt so completely fragile. She didn't know, the way I do now, that she would be so much better for her pain. In fact, she felt sort of betrayed by God sometimes. I'm sort of in awe that I was ever that person who felt so tiny and still trusted Him to take this pain and make it into something better. I look back on that and I feel a conviction that He doesn't leave us alone, even when we feel alone. Even when it is terrifying to say, "I will go through the fire if You want me to."

This little girl growing inside of me is getting a better mother, because of the simple fact that my Savior did what He always does: He saved me. He was my balm, and He was my friend, even when I was so hurt that I couldn't see Him. He was my Comforter.

I don't know what happened to the babies growing inside of me before this little one. I don't know if they were separate little spirits and if I will see them again, but in my heart I think that I will be able to raise them one day. I am eternally grateful for eternal families, because I know that one way or another, my family will be whole.

So yes, pregnancy is still scary. Sometimes it ends tragically, and sometimes there is no reason for that. I'm not safe from that pain. But whatever storms come, I know I can stand.

"And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon with ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."

-Helaman 5:12

 

 

 

 



**For those interested, this is the playlist mentioned above. They aren't all "church" songs, as a wide variety of music touches my heart. If you have any to add, please share!

• Where Can I Turn For Peace? -Katherine Nelson
• Better Than I -David Campbell
• If You Want Me To -Ginny Owens
• Nearer My God To Thee -The Mormon Tabernacle Choir
• Be Still My Soul -Jadon Lavik
• I Know That My Redeemer Lives -Linda Rowberry
• After The Storm -Mumford and Sons
• Stand -Rascal Flatts
• Where Can I Turn For Peace? -Katherine Nelson

Girls, please live by these words

Lemme tell you a 'lil somthin' somthin'...pretty lasts.  Hot is an expendable commodity.

GIRLS.  BE PRETTY.

I just had to share this because it's currently the best video on youtube.

A post about how much high school sucks and how important it is to be a decent human being.

When I was in high school, I used to be really, incredibly, insanely, and PAINFULLY jealous of other girls.  I was insecure and more than a little awkward.  I was a total dork but pretended to be into school dances and shopping for expensive dresses and gossiping.

And you know what?  I failed.  I failed hard.  I failed so hard, in fact, that I became absolutely silent at school.  Seriously, if one of these girls who I wanted to be friends with so much as talked to me, my brain would freeze up and I would try so so hard to think of anything to say.  Anything at all.

Hi, self.  It's me again.  Say something.  Anything.  Say that you agree.  Or like her shoes.  Or...I don't know.  Say "hi"?  That's acceptable, right?

And then I would try to say "hi" and it would come out as a nervous squeak and I would feel shame for the rest of the day.

I eventually became friends with all the boys because, well, boys are chill.  They play Halo.  They high five.  They don't feel the need to bash every person not within hearing range.  Being friends with boys in high school, though, means that every single girl is going to call you names.  Mean names, horrible names, and sometimes they're going to blame you for things you didn't do just because blaming you is easier than facing problems themselves. And sometimes they're going to do that in the middle of lunch in front of everyone and it's going to be accompanied by swear words and you're going to cry and get mascara all over your face.  And then you'll go sit in your car and cry some more for a few hours and wonder what's wrong with you and then you'll go back inside and pretend like nothing happened, because that's what you do when you're in high school.  And believe me, I feel for you. It's a complex, messed up system. 

High school was this miserable time for me.  But I learned some freaking important lessons. Such as...


Sometimes, life is a five year old's birthday party.

What do I mean by that?  Well, some days you're the pinata and some days you're the blind little kid dangerously swinging a baseball bat.  In high school, I think I focused a bit too much on my pinata days.  I was angry, SO angry at the people who gossiped about me, hurt me, pretended to be friends with me, humiliated me in front of classmates, ignored me when I was standing right there, and called me a slut every five seconds.  So angry, in fact, that I still would cry about it well after graduation.

Funny thing though.  It's hard to be angry about that sort of thing when you understand something.  I was the punching bag a lot in school, but I'm often the blindfolded kid too.  Sometimes, people are blind.  They hurt you and they hurt you a lot but they don't understand what they are doing.  They learn from hurting you.  But, you have to remember, you learned from hurting someone too at some point in your life.  We don't always get to be the victim, sometimes we're the bad guy and honestly, that's actually good for us.  A decent person will learn from it.


Those people are NOT worth your tears.

I spent a few really creepy hours on Facebook recently stalking some of the girls who I used to be so insanely jealous of.  You know how I felt?  I didn't feel better than them, or equal to them, or included or vindicated or anything.  I just felt free.  I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing.  I've embraced the Star Wars loving, video game playing, pokemon obsessed girl that I am and that is beyond awesome, you guys. 

When you're doing what you love to do, it's hard to be jealous of anyone, even the people you enjoy and respect.  It isn't about feeling superior.  It isn't about feeling like you're the bigger person.  It's just about being so happy with yourself that they can't do anything about it anymore.  They just become unworthy of your tears, not because they are bad or fail-tastic people, but just because it isn't worth your time to cry about it anymore.


It is so so so so important to be kind.

I've grown up and I'm not going to give a verbal butt-kicking to the next mean girl I encounter from those days.  But I know how it feels.  I know what it's like to dwell on painful, hurtful memories.  I get the anger, the resentment, the depression.  I understand what it's like to feel like there is something immensely wrong with you.  I know that there are certain memories that just won't unstick themselves from you and that you can't wish away no matter how hard you try.  That's why I never ever EVER want to make someone feel that way.

Promise yourself right now that you will never be that person.  Don't make someone feel worthless.  Don't let a lonely kid fall through the cracks.  Be everyone's friend.  Be everyone's support.  You don't know what someone's life is like in reality.  Remember that indifference can be just as painful as outright cruelty to someone who feels alone.

Don't let anyone look back at you and see only what you did to them.  Don't even let them look back and remember you as the person who stood by and watched.

In the words of Jesse Jackson, never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up.

A hat tip to Allie Brosh. UPDATED.

Hyperbole and a Half happens to be one of my favorite blogs ever.  It (along with The Oatmeal, XKCD, Natalie Dee and a few other illustrated blogs) is one of my biggest inspirations when it comes to my own posts and illustrations.  I feel it's important to give credit where credit is due. A lot of people have noticed that I have a similar writing style and illustration style to a few other bloggers.  I generally take this as a huuuuge compliment, because that means that someone, somewhere thinks that I have a vestige of talent.  And that makes me feel all accomplished inside.

One of my favorite drawings ever done by Allie Brosh is this one:

This is totes too awesome for words.  

Why?  Because that was ME as a child.  And it kind of still is, let's be honest.  the expression, the dress, THE DINOSAUR TOY.  When I first saw this picture I died of laughter.  And so, as my first hat tip illustration (probably in a series of them to several AWESOME bloggers and illustrators) I give you my Hyperbole and a half-ed drawing of myself:

I imagine that this would be me if I were drawn by Allie Brosh.  Probably.  The pink unicorn probably would have been a whole lot better if she'd done it.  But the purple one isn't too bad, eh?  This drawing was featured in my last article on Sparknotes.com. It was done on paint.net, and it took me forever plus infinity to adequately capture the style, so I'll be going back to bean people for now.  ANYWAY, if you haven't read Hyperbole and a Half, you SERIOUSLY have to.  It will change your life.  Most likely.

Allie Brosh, I salute you.

Updated:
First of all, this post was SUPPOSED to go up at the same time as the SL article, but Blogger was experiencing technical difficulties and was down for maintenance.  So I only just now get to respond to the hatred!  YAAAAY!

So apparently I'm a total idiot and I forgot to add in my article that the above drawing is homage to Allie Brosh.  I hadn't really thoroughly read the article once it was posted and just did now as I was linking to it for this post.  LOOKS LIKE I HAVE SOME SERIOUS HATRED GOING ON.  Which is justified, since CLEARLY that was a Hyperbole and a Half inspired drawing that I created.  Here's some clarification for anyone who is angry about my own illustration styles versus any other blogger:

 The above illustration uses a style I call "bean people" in my head, because they look like beans and they're incredibly easy to draw.  This is my general go to style.  I like the dots for eyes and the coloring outside of the lines because I think it's cute.  Occasionally I'll do something with their eyes if I want to give them a stronger expression.  Other examples of illustration styles I sometimes use include:

These are just a few examples.  As you can see, I don't have a really set style of illustration.  All of them are influenced by other people, but that's kind of a given.  Everyone is influenced, and I definitely have wayyy more than just one muse.  When I'm drawing, I'm not thinking about Allie Brosh's drawings or anyone else's.  The unicorn toy drawing WAS actually mean as a salute to Allie, but CLEARLY that didn't turn out too well.  So we'll see if hat tip drawings continue.

THE POINT OF THIS IS TO EXPLAIN THAT I'M NOT A CHEATING COPY CAT.  Credit where credit is due.

KTHX.