I should definitely be sleeping

What I want to say is that my head is like, "AAAAAH I'm going to kill you with the stabbing pain of one thousand narwhal horns."

Wait.  I mean that I'm supposed to say that narwhals are awesome.  I heart narwhals, you guys.  Just because I haven't mentioned them, doesn't mean that I don't love them.  I'm sorry, narwhals.  You deserve better. 

I'm sorry.  I'm not very funny.  This is a failure.  Go read "Ice Factory" instead.  If you're new to my blog, just read ANYTHING else.  I swear I'm not usually this idiotic.  Scratch that.  I totally am, it's just that usually there are more pictures involved, and less migraine-induced sleep deprivation.

I will probably delete this in the morning.  Enjoy, procrastinating college/high school students who don't go to bed when they should.  Also, enjoy, countries on the other side of the world.

UPDATED:  You know what?  No.  You don't own me, migraine.  I'm going to leave this post up so that all of your facebook friends will delete you for being such a dumb tack jerk mugger.

Also, my "Twilight" post for some reason is attractive to you guys.  Have you not read Dan Bergstein?  Awesome times 34,234.

Please don't compare me to Dan Bergstein now.  I will fall woefully behind on my chart of coolness.  Anyway.  Would you be interested in a continuation of that Twilight thing?  Like New Moon for people who don't like New Moon?  Or should I just pretend that I never wrote the first one to begin with?  I will stare at my computer screen until you answer me.

Ice factory

Hello there, I'm Megan Prietzel, founder and president of Megan's Crazy Ice Factory.  Do you want a fulfilling job in a booming business market?  Do you like cold beverages?  Do you hate heat stroke?  Then, boy, do I have an offer for you!

Simply come on down to Megan's Crazy Ice Factory and apply for a job today!  Here at Megan's Crazy Ice Factory, we have a variety of FANTASTIC careers for you to choose from.

Ice Magician
Ice Magicians (Patent Pending) are where the "magic" really starts to happen!  (You see what I did there?  Lolz, I'm the funniest boss in the ever.)  As an Ice Magician (Patent Pending) you'll create scrumptious ice cubes using Water (Patent Pending).  It will be your responsibility to pour our (almost) patented Water into special trays.  This is where the whole process begins!

If the end result doesn't taste good, we'll fire and decapitate you!  Haha! 

Water Stirrer
As a Water Stirrer (patent pending) you will hold a large wooden spoon and stir water ALL DAY LONG.  This process ensures that the Water is stirred!

Water Safety Expert
Our factory is absolutely FULL of radiation emitted from our nuclear generator, which I think is leaking.  However, our Water Safety Experts are on the clock 24 hours a day, pouring ammonia and bleach into all of our Water in order to ensure consumer safety!  Water Safety Experts also add lots and lots of different ingredients and flavors to the Water in order to ensure that costumers never ever figure out that they're ingesting chemicals!  LOL!

Elephant Checker
Elephants are not allowed in our Ice Cubes!  Elephant Checkers use state of the art elephant detecting technology to search for and remove any stray elephants from any of our ingredients!  Elephant Checkers also clean the factory, so that we don't have to hire a janitor.

Freezer

Ice Taste Tester
We take quality very seriously here at Megan's Crazy Ice Factory.  That's why we hire fully trained Ice Taste Testers.  As a new recruit, you will attend a fifteen minute training session with me, Megan Prietzel of Megan's Crazy Ice Factory, where I, Megan Prietzel of Megan's Crazy Ice Factory, will instruct you on the fine art of Ice Taste Testing.  After a rigorous but super fun training experience, you will be locked in a room with nothing but a huge freezer and a conveyor belt, which will deliver freshly made Crazy Ice Cubes (patent pending) for you to taste!

Our taste testing motto is, "Once you taste it, you sure can't waste it!" so after determining the Yummy Factor (patent pending) of each individual ice cube, you'll package the delicious chunks of frozen yum and send them to our Quality Assurance Center.

Quality Assurance Center-ist
Quality is important to us here at Megan's Crazy Ice Factory.  That's why we hire dozens and dozens of Quality Assurance Center-ists to lick each and every ice cube at least seven times, checking for taste, smell, color, elephants, and taste.  Also, color.  We check for that too.  At Megan's Crazy Ice Factory, we like to shoot for "Quality" which stands for "Quietly Utilize A Licking Ice Taster, Yes!"  This motto reminds our employees to lick EVERY ice cube until each and every cube is coated in a layer of saliva!

Packaging Drone
As a member of our packaging staff, you (patent pending) will be responsible for (patent pending) stuffing the Crazy Ice Cubes (patent pending) into plastic (patent pending) bags and shipping them to a third world country, where the Cubes will be properly packaged, and then sent back to our factory!

Delivery Expert
You get to drive a truck!  Yaaaay!  Vroom vroom!

Minion
Must come to factory to apply.  Must have little to no tendency for remorse, ability to operate heavy machinery, and knowledge of underground tunnel systems worldwide.




Convinced yet?  As a member of our award wining staff* you will have the opportunity to produce award winning ice** to be distributed to your very own neighborhood market!  All employees receive a benefit package including: ten dollars towards dental insurance each year, 30 minutes of vacation time for every 6 years of work at the factory, an invisible and intangible unicorn, a year's worth of free breathing privileges and oxygen in the factory,  and a 0.00000001% discount on all Crazy Ice products!  Now that's an offer you just can't refuse!


And remember, look for Megan's Crazy Ice at your local grocery store for only $15.99 per cube!

"Only $15.99?!  THAT'S CRAZY!!"

That's not crazy, that's just how we do business here at Megan's Crazy Ice Factory.


*Winner of the Megan Prietzel award for "Awesomest Staff, Like, Ever."
**Winner of the Megan Prietzel award for "THAT'S SOME TASTY ICE."

I forgot to title this. Fail.

 Today has been full of blessed miraculous miracles.  If you're a new reader, go down a couple of posts, cause that's where the funny is.  I promise I'll get back on top of being a good blogger soon.

The first post in my new series, tentatively titles "Megan's Life Lessons," is now up on Sparknotes.  ON THE FRONT PAGE.  Click THIS to take a look and possibly laugh.  (P.S. apparently my flaming paperclip of glory looks like a flaming pad.  WHOOPS.)

I love every single person who reads, comments, and subscribes, and you all get to come to my VICTORY PIE party.  (There will be victory pie.)

Would anyone like some victory pie?

Hey there, everybody.

I'm a terrible blogger, I know.  AND I'M SORRY.  It's just that things are getting a little exciting/crazy for me.  I have been writing posts, but right now, they're not for megansquared.  Vague and mysterious, no?  Well that's just how I do things here at megansquared.

Anyway, here's the big news:  If you live under a rock and you don't already know, Sparknotes.com has an awesome, hilarious, hugely entertaining section called SparkLife.  I have wanted to write for SparkLife for, oh I don't know, forever.  I emailed them, tempted them with some prime blog posts and links to this here blog, and BAM!  That onomatopoeia references my new series, which as of yet has no clever title.  It also has not been posted yet.  I am working on it, and as soon as it is up, I will post a link here so that all may bask.

Also!  Contest!  If you can think of a clever/hilarious title for my series, I'll reward you with a personalized drawing!  It might even be a good drawing!  Probably not though.

The series is going to be a lot like this blog; it will be random and have no real linear structure.  Because that's how I roll here at megansquared.  And now at SparkLife.  What of it?!?

Shoot me your ideas, yo!

P.S. Apparently my brilliant layout doesn't look so brilliant in some browsers.  If you use Google Chrome, you're probably seeing something ugly instead of something beautiful.  I apologize.  I would fix it, but I don't know how.  So I won't.  KTHXBAI.

How to get an A in English

English is a hard subject for many reasons.  It involves spelling, it involves words, and it involves grammar.  No other language includes all three of these things, and I'm pretty sure most of them are comprised of guttural grunting noises and a series of clicks and whistles.  Fortunately, I've constructed this handy guide to help you navigate and pass the rigorous course that is English.

Spelling
Spelling is difficult because it involves letters, and some letters exist only to ruin your life.  The letter "P," for example, is a jerk.  If it is paired with the letter "H," it sounds like an "F."  If it is paired with the letter "S," it sounds like...well, like an "S."  When paired with other letters, like, say, the letter "R," "P" pretends to be all innocent and crap and does exactly what it's supposed to.  It is false and deceitful.  "P" is such a jerk, and it never responds to my emails.  Jerk.

"P" also looks a lot like the number 9, which poses difficulty for young children who happen to have fairly common first names and also have last names which start with the letter P, because maybe a certain young child is just trying to learn to differentiate between numbers and letters and the teacher hands back corrected papers to the class and loudly calls out "Megan 9?  Who is Megan 9?  We don't USE numbers in our NAMES, MEGAN!!" and then the poor child gets all embarrassed and remembers it to this very day and....

What?  Where am I?

Anyway.  The letter P.  It sucks.  In order to help you remember this, I've created the following illustration:

 

The concept to grasp here: the letter "P" is evil.

Here are some helpful tips when you're trying to spell things:

1. Don't spell in Spanish.

2. Spell in English.

3. When in doubt, just mouth the word "Watermelon."  That's a tip I learned from my fourth grade choir class.

4. If you don't remember how to spell a word, write "Watermelon" and then make it look like the word you are supposed to be spelling.

5. Pants inhibit blood flow to the brain.  Don't wear them to class.

6. Only use letters that appear in the alphabet.  If you cannot remember which letters are in the alphabet, make up your own letters because you are likely to be right at least some of the time.

The most important thing to remember when spelling is to believe in yourself.  When you have confidence in the magical power of your inner self or whatever, you cannot fail!  Try your best, kiddo.  And don't forget, there's no "P" in the phrase "Good speller."

Grammar

Grammar is like the crappy math of the English world.  Grammar makes you think about things like fragments, comma splices, tense shifts, and subject-verb agreement.  All this stuff kind of sucks.  They really aren't as hard as they sound though:

Seriously. 

If you want to be a grammar wizard, there are a few things you must always do.  

First, whenever you grasp a rule of grammar, cling to it like it's the holy grail of rules.  Whenever anyone misuses this rule or blatantly ignores it, consider it your divine calling to correct them immediately and succinctly.  Always be sure to act condescending and patronizing, because otherwise they just won't learn.  It's a fact.

Second, ignore any and all changes in the structure of the English language.  For example, it is now grammatically correct to use only one space after a period.  This is a ridiculous rule.  I grew up my whole life typing TWO SPACES.  It is the only correct way.  I will forever hold to what I know to be true.  I will also stubbornly insist on keeping all my VHS tapes and reading books that are made of paper.  In ten years no one will like me, but I will be so right.  It's worth it.  Keep your fancy high-definition space laser discs and your magical "e-readers."

Third, if you don't know a rule of grammar, just pretend like you do.  When your friend shakes his head and says "It always bothers me when I see a 'ten items or less' checkout station.  It's so incorrect," you must respond quickly, otherwise everyone you know and love will hate you forever for your ignorance.  Also, kittens will explode.

Below are some statements I've created that are suitable for any situation, and are definitely applicable when you don't know the rules of grammar.  Simply respond by saying:

"That was overturned at the Geneva Convention."

"That's so racist."

"I'm good at grammar."

"I love orphans."

"My whole family is dying of an incurable disease."

"Velociraptor overlords will soon be arriving from the past to take over, so it really doesn't matter."

Words

Words are just letters mushed up together to create sounds which are attached to meanings.  It is all very complicated.  If you have enough words together, and they all make sense in context with each other, you will have a sentence.  But let's not get too far ahead of ourselves.

These are words:

Hello

Dinosaur

Applesauce

Onomatopoeia

Dyslexia

Tophat

Cannon

Cake

Genocide

Feelings

These are not words:

OMG

LOL/LULZ/LOLZ

WAT!!~?

Fantasterific

wkopghowabhpwioe

No

When in doubt, refer to this handy list. It's basically comprehensive.

Sentences

Sentences can lead to paragraphs,which in turn can lead to pointless essays (which you will inevitably encounter in your education), so it's important to know what a sentence is and how to use it.

A sentence looks like this:

The meth lab exploded into a million particles of chemical-doused rubble.

A sentence does not look like this:

Also, something about subjects and verbs and independent clauses.  (Hint: not Santa Clauses.)


Commas
I, don't know how, to use commas.  ,,,,


Now go earn that A!

When I grow up to be even more awesome than I am now, this is what it will look like

I am not married, and I probably won't be married any time soon because I think I don't like being married yet.  That's the idea, anyway.

Nevertheless, I have come up with some super-cool plans for my future.  Dive in, shall we?

Ideas for the names of my future daughters:
Autumn
Maisy
Chloe
Bella
Twilight Bella (Just in case I want to name one of them after Twilight Bella.  Wouldn't want people to be confused.)
Megaladon
Helen Keller (Too far?)
Picture Frame
Picture Frame II
Picture Frame Decorated With Butterflies
Wikipedia (Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?)
Sue
Lue
SueLue
* (Pronounced "Asterisk"
**(Pronounced "Double Asterisk")
(**) (Pronounced "Parenthesis Double Asterisk Amanda")

 (\_/)
(o.o)    (Pronounced "Franchesca")  (Or "Robot Bunny")  (Or both)
  /()\
 /_|_\


Ideas for the names of my future sons:
James
Asher
Dragonslayer
CrimsonRedScarletJones (His favorite color will be yellow, probably)
Cement (Pronounced See-Ment.  Probably will not go over well.)
Newton's Third Law (I always forget this one)
MyMotherIsBeautifulAndNice
AAAAAH!FIRE!EVERYONERUN!!!! (Pronounced "Christopher")
Atticus Google
Atticus LeGoogle
& (I don't know how I would pronounce this.)
Voldemort
Brunhildo (See, I took a popular female Viking name and made it male.  I want people to know how incredibly creative I am.  SO creative.  In fact, watch this next one.  It's a doozy.)
Satin Oxygen Little Bird


I also have ideas for my future name.  As I understand, it changes when you get married.  If I get to change my name, I would like for it to be one of these:

Optimus Beyonce (This is a bit of homage to Dan Bergstein, who should probably just go ahead and create a baby naming book.  It would be awesome.)
Megan Braveheart
Megan Iscool
Megan !
LeMegan Leblahbleaux (In case I marry a French guy.)
Megan Angel Miracle
The Illustrious Megan
Megan Jeremiah
Megan Megan
Megan M. Megan
Megan Sexyfacehotpants
Megan Gotareallybigdiamondring
The Wittiest, Most Charming Woman Ever To Have Lived

I also have picked out my future home.

I has a rocket.  Do you?

Not pictured in the above photo representation: hot tub, unicorn stables, more more cake, and back door.  Also, mailbox.

My future occupation will be one of the following:
Supreme Dictator of the State of Utah
Supreme Dictator of Any Other Place
Person Who Gets Paid To Eat Cake
Official Officiator
Person Who Writes About Random Crap And Draws Lousy Pictures
Blogger
Blogger Who Writes About Random Crap And Draws Lousy Pictures
Person Who Makes "PH" Not Sound Like "F" Anymore Because It Makes No Sense
Struggling College Student

Pants with a polar bear

There are three easily recognizable classes of pants.

First, comfortable pants.

Comfortable pants are usually sweatpants, but they can also be a pair of old jeans.  They inhibit your movement only minimally.  They allow you to sit without exposing your butt crack.  They feel almost as good as not wearing pants, except nothing feels as good as not wearing pants.  However, if you have to wear pants, comfortable ones are the best option.

Comfortable pants will never let you down, especially when you leave the house wearing them because people will think you are a hobo and will give you leftover sandwiches.

Polar bears are awesome.


The second class of pants are stylish pants.

These pants generally have rips, tears, fading, and other signs of wear.  These damages are intended to make you look attractive.  You may think that these pants will garner you free leftover sandwiches.  You are mistaken.  Stylish pants often have strange and shiny logos emblazoned directly on the butt pockets so that each rump-cheek glistens with rhinestones and advertising.  These pants will, in no particular order: suffocate you, rip in the crotch at any sudden movement, disallow you from running away from pursuers, prove extremely difficult both to insert your body into and to remove from your body, and make bare your butt crack for all the world to see.  They will also situate around your pelvic area in a way that will cause your girth to overflow out of them like a waterfall of fat, no matter how skinny you are.  If you are not skinny, they will eventually cut off your blood circulation, and you will die.

These pants sometimes make you feel sexy fine, but usually they just make your legs go numb.  They are often accessorized with other stylish, similarly impractical items.

The third class: trendy (for some reason) pants.

"Trendy" pants are puzzling in that they are invariably hideous and clearly unfit for anything other than stockpiling extra fabric for sewing together a sail in case of abandonment in an ocean.  The "invariably hideous" factor is key to trendy pants, because whether they be checkered, tie-dyed, a blinding shade of neon, or these monstrosities, this category of pants causes the wearer shame in future years.

Overalls don't count as pants, and polar bears are still awesome.