Hey, I'm not dead! Hooray! (Updated)

Hello.  I've been taking a hiatus called "lazy" but now I'm back.  Also, I have homework and college crap to do, which means that I will procrastinate more and more by drawing pictures of bears and talking about glitter in depth.  YAY!!!!

I'm thinking about blogging a book for SparkLife.  If you think that this is a terrible idea, please feel free to inform me with vitriol, but take note that I will only accept criticism if it comes in the form of a gift basket full of delicious treats and puppies.  I will not eat the puppies.  You may have the puppies back after I'm done playing with them. At least one puppy must be named Toad-Dog.

I've opened up a new poll asking you guys which book you think I should blog.  In light of Blogging Twilight's sad, sad end, I originally thought of blogging The Host.  Don't take Dan Bergstein into account when voting, cause he is going to do something very spectacular, but it won't be The Host.  It's going to be even better.  And that's all I'll say about that.  I will probably get fired in approximately twenty minutes.  Today is a day of magic!

Anyway, vote on the poll and if you choose the last option, be sure to leave me a comment or shoot me an email telling me that I'm an idiot and really should have thought of [insert incredible/horrible/whatever book here] and then I will add that into the running.

Tomorrow, hopefully, I will return to regular posting.  Keep on keepin' on, Sparkleheads.  And other people who read my blog.  (Hi, mom.)

Update: There are a few things that I need to clarify.  First, I KNOW that The Host is by Stephenie Meyer and that every one of you loathes her with a fiery passion.  That is the point.  See I can't blog something too freaking awesome because this is how it would go:

So I read this book and it was incredible.  In this chapter, awesomeness happens.  The characters are wonderful and make super decisions.  Everything makes perfect and complete sense.  I do not see anything wrong with this book.  Remember that one really suspenseful part of this chapter?  Me too.  It was great, as I'm sure we can all agree.  I love this book.

That was probably not very interesting.  I've read The Hunger Games series and loved it, but I probably wouldn't blog it just because I don't really have anything to say about it.  It was great.  Sure, I have some minor issues with it, but not enough to write something interesting.  That's not to say that a book has to suck to be an interesting blog, but when something is nit-picked, it's funnier.  JUST SAYIN'.

(Cue the "MEGAN YOU ARE A MO-RON" comments.)

A few things before I leave you all for the weekend.

I'm not going anywhere special.  I'm just going to try really hard to not internet.

ANYWAY.

First and foremost, my latest post on SparkLife is up.  TWO IN ONE WEEK.  I'm a freaking superstar.  You should check it, because it's probably the peak of my career.  Seriously, now y'all (NEED. NEW.  WORD.) are going to expect me to be funny, and I'll feel pressured, and I'll start posting drawings of tap dancing bananas and no one will be amused or impressed and then I will spiral into a deep depression and venture off-campus in order to procure a caffeinated Coke.  (There's no caffeine on campus.  THIS IS MY LIFE.)  (I LOVE CAPS TODAY.)

Second, I get all nervous and stuff asking you people for help, because in my head, if I ask a favor you all will be like, "WHAT THE HECK.  UNFOLLOW!" and I know that you guys are probably more awesome than that, but still.  This is the way Megan's brain works.

So here's the favor.  Feel free to say no and then question the symmetry of my facial structure.  Simply put, spread the word, if you can.  If you have Facebook or Twitter, post a link to my blog.  I will then be forever happy, and will award everyone a veritable mountain of points.  In fact, TAKE THEM.  Just for reading, you all get one hundred thousand points.  However, now the points are worthless, and the point market just crashed and you all hate me because you can no longer afford your petty trinkets.  So maybe you can all have one hundred points.  Fair?

Third, a lot of you have been saying that you want to be my friend.  WELL YOU CAN!  Simply go to Facebook and search: megan.squared@hotmail.com  (the period between "megan" and "squared" is there on purpose, folks) and add me up!  You also should go follow me on Twitter, because that would be FUN!  There are more nifty ways to contact me in my contact section.  I almost always respond to people.

Fourth, you guys are seriously the best, ever.  All the people who read and comment on my SparkLife posts and my blog are just so funny and witty and hilarious and I literally CANNOT WAIT for comments on a new post because you guys are just so laugh-out-loud funny.  I just about die.  Which is why I'll probably now be implementing an "Awesome Comment" section of each blog post.  Because I just have to share the awesome.  EXAMPLE:

Awesome Comment: "Megan, you are very attractive and your face is very symmetrical." ~Megan Prietzel

Fifth, I'm sorry that I talk about bacon so much.  If you are a vegetarian, I don't mean to offend you, but you don't understand.  I just LOVE bacon.  I'm not into vegetarianism, but if you talked about it, I wouldn't bash you or think you were uninteresting just because you are involved with or like something that I don't.  You see the point I'm making here?  Please be nice to me, or I will cry and the whole world will drown in my tears.

See ya, Sparkle Pies.

I forgot to title this. Fail.

 Today has been full of blessed miraculous miracles.  If you're a new reader, go down a couple of posts, cause that's where the funny is.  I promise I'll get back on top of being a good blogger soon.

The first post in my new series, tentatively titles "Megan's Life Lessons," is now up on Sparknotes.  ON THE FRONT PAGE.  Click THIS to take a look and possibly laugh.  (P.S. apparently my flaming paperclip of glory looks like a flaming pad.  WHOOPS.)

I love every single person who reads, comments, and subscribes, and you all get to come to my VICTORY PIE party.  (There will be victory pie.)

Would anyone like some victory pie?

Hey there, everybody.

I'm a terrible blogger, I know.  AND I'M SORRY.  It's just that things are getting a little exciting/crazy for me.  I have been writing posts, but right now, they're not for megansquared.  Vague and mysterious, no?  Well that's just how I do things here at megansquared.

Anyway, here's the big news:  If you live under a rock and you don't already know, Sparknotes.com has an awesome, hilarious, hugely entertaining section called SparkLife.  I have wanted to write for SparkLife for, oh I don't know, forever.  I emailed them, tempted them with some prime blog posts and links to this here blog, and BAM!  That onomatopoeia references my new series, which as of yet has no clever title.  It also has not been posted yet.  I am working on it, and as soon as it is up, I will post a link here so that all may bask.

Also!  Contest!  If you can think of a clever/hilarious title for my series, I'll reward you with a personalized drawing!  It might even be a good drawing!  Probably not though.

The series is going to be a lot like this blog; it will be random and have no real linear structure.  Because that's how I roll here at megansquared.  And now at SparkLife.  What of it?!?

Shoot me your ideas, yo!

P.S. Apparently my brilliant layout doesn't look so brilliant in some browsers.  If you use Google Chrome, you're probably seeing something ugly instead of something beautiful.  I apologize.  I would fix it, but I don't know how.  So I won't.  KTHXBAI.

How to get an A in English

English is a hard subject for many reasons.  It involves spelling, it involves words, and it involves grammar.  No other language includes all three of these things, and I'm pretty sure most of them are comprised of guttural grunting noises and a series of clicks and whistles.  Fortunately, I've constructed this handy guide to help you navigate and pass the rigorous course that is English.

Spelling
Spelling is difficult because it involves letters, and some letters exist only to ruin your life.  The letter "P," for example, is a jerk.  If it is paired with the letter "H," it sounds like an "F."  If it is paired with the letter "S," it sounds like...well, like an "S."  When paired with other letters, like, say, the letter "R," "P" pretends to be all innocent and crap and does exactly what it's supposed to.  It is false and deceitful.  "P" is such a jerk, and it never responds to my emails.  Jerk.

"P" also looks a lot like the number 9, which poses difficulty for young children who happen to have fairly common first names and also have last names which start with the letter P, because maybe a certain young child is just trying to learn to differentiate between numbers and letters and the teacher hands back corrected papers to the class and loudly calls out "Megan 9?  Who is Megan 9?  We don't USE numbers in our NAMES, MEGAN!!" and then the poor child gets all embarrassed and remembers it to this very day and....

What?  Where am I?

Anyway.  The letter P.  It sucks.  In order to help you remember this, I've created the following illustration:

 

The concept to grasp here: the letter "P" is evil.

Here are some helpful tips when you're trying to spell things:

1. Don't spell in Spanish.

2. Spell in English.

3. When in doubt, just mouth the word "Watermelon."  That's a tip I learned from my fourth grade choir class.

4. If you don't remember how to spell a word, write "Watermelon" and then make it look like the word you are supposed to be spelling.

5. Pants inhibit blood flow to the brain.  Don't wear them to class.

6. Only use letters that appear in the alphabet.  If you cannot remember which letters are in the alphabet, make up your own letters because you are likely to be right at least some of the time.

The most important thing to remember when spelling is to believe in yourself.  When you have confidence in the magical power of your inner self or whatever, you cannot fail!  Try your best, kiddo.  And don't forget, there's no "P" in the phrase "Good speller."

Grammar

Grammar is like the crappy math of the English world.  Grammar makes you think about things like fragments, comma splices, tense shifts, and subject-verb agreement.  All this stuff kind of sucks.  They really aren't as hard as they sound though:

Seriously. 

If you want to be a grammar wizard, there are a few things you must always do.  

First, whenever you grasp a rule of grammar, cling to it like it's the holy grail of rules.  Whenever anyone misuses this rule or blatantly ignores it, consider it your divine calling to correct them immediately and succinctly.  Always be sure to act condescending and patronizing, because otherwise they just won't learn.  It's a fact.

Second, ignore any and all changes in the structure of the English language.  For example, it is now grammatically correct to use only one space after a period.  This is a ridiculous rule.  I grew up my whole life typing TWO SPACES.  It is the only correct way.  I will forever hold to what I know to be true.  I will also stubbornly insist on keeping all my VHS tapes and reading books that are made of paper.  In ten years no one will like me, but I will be so right.  It's worth it.  Keep your fancy high-definition space laser discs and your magical "e-readers."

Third, if you don't know a rule of grammar, just pretend like you do.  When your friend shakes his head and says "It always bothers me when I see a 'ten items or less' checkout station.  It's so incorrect," you must respond quickly, otherwise everyone you know and love will hate you forever for your ignorance.  Also, kittens will explode.

Below are some statements I've created that are suitable for any situation, and are definitely applicable when you don't know the rules of grammar.  Simply respond by saying:

"That was overturned at the Geneva Convention."

"That's so racist."

"I'm good at grammar."

"I love orphans."

"My whole family is dying of an incurable disease."

"Velociraptor overlords will soon be arriving from the past to take over, so it really doesn't matter."

Words

Words are just letters mushed up together to create sounds which are attached to meanings.  It is all very complicated.  If you have enough words together, and they all make sense in context with each other, you will have a sentence.  But let's not get too far ahead of ourselves.

These are words:

Hello

Dinosaur

Applesauce

Onomatopoeia

Dyslexia

Tophat

Cannon

Cake

Genocide

Feelings

These are not words:

OMG

LOL/LULZ/LOLZ

WAT!!~?

Fantasterific

wkopghowabhpwioe

No

When in doubt, refer to this handy list. It's basically comprehensive.

Sentences

Sentences can lead to paragraphs,which in turn can lead to pointless essays (which you will inevitably encounter in your education), so it's important to know what a sentence is and how to use it.

A sentence looks like this:

The meth lab exploded into a million particles of chemical-doused rubble.

A sentence does not look like this:

Also, something about subjects and verbs and independent clauses.  (Hint: not Santa Clauses.)


Commas
I, don't know how, to use commas.  ,,,,


Now go earn that A!

Greeting cards for people who don't really like greeting cards

I like to look at the greeting cards whenever I go to the store.  Sometimes the cards are funny.  Sometimes they're sweet.  But I often wonder why card makers aren't catering to the greater needs of the people.  The people being me.

Have you ever wanted to say something just right, but you couldn't find a card that could express your feelings accurately?  Well I'm about to solve your problem.

You're welcome.

Suck it, normal cards.

A brief word about advertisements

If you are looking for bees, simply scroll down a little bit. 

Anyway.  I've added ads to my blog because one day I want to make money blogging so that I can stay at home and never change out of my sweats or go outside.  When you click on an ad, I do get paid.

However!  Don't just go clicking on them because you like me or, more likely, because you feel sorry for me.  That's called fraud.  Apparently. 

Only click on an ad that interests you, cause that's what they're for.

Here.  I drew this.

Who will win?!