PART ONE: This Is An Ominous Title About A Camera
-I just opened the box. There are 2,334 parts in here. Approximately. Hopefully the instructions say “lose 2,323 of the parts within the first 3 minutes of opening the box.”
-…The camera is wrapped in plastic. The plastic is much more difficult to open than one would generally expect. Even for me.
-Okay…so there are two cd’s here…I think one is like a guide? Yeah? And there’s a paper guide? Freak, Nikon. Way to waste resources. I’m gonna go with the paper issue because I hate trees and also I will probably ruin the CD.
-Obviously these set up instructions were made with me in mind. Step one: “Take the camera out of the box.”
-I will now attempt to “attach the camera strap.” SUCCESS! I am a camera wizard!!!
-Hmmm. What does “32MB “ mean?
-I’m supposed to “open the battery chamber” which sounds funny because I distinctly feel like this is the Chamber of Secrets, considering the fact that I cannot locate the battery chamber. Maybe I have to speak parseltongue.
-Look at that. The battery chamber is labeled, “battery.” Weird.
-“Insert the supplied battery”=oh crap. I lost it. It is not here, unless it is wire shaped and/or is made out of the User's Manual. Stupid NIKON!
-Found the battery. It was in the box.
-Inserting this battery will “damage the camera” if I do it wrong in any way. Also I must use the edge of the battery to push the orange battery latch in the direction indicated by the arrow and fully insert the battery so that it locks into place…..hahaha my camera is screwed.
-That was easier than expected. Also, I liked the orange latch. It was very orange. CAMERA WIZARD, over here!
-It came with a memory card that is water, temperature, shock and x-ray proof. At first I was tempted to say, “hey, don’t you think you’re going overboard on the protection factor?” and then I thought about the fact that I own this memory card and suddenly it seems more reasonable. In fact, they should have also made it impact proof and punch proof, because sometimes I get frustrated and lash out. Sorry, memory card.
-On the back of the memory card package there is an explanation in Portuguese and I was all, “HEY I SPEAK THAT LANGUAGE, YES, SKILL TIME!” but then I remembered that I didn’t even understand the English version. Oh. Right.
-…I have to get scissors to open this stupid thing? Whatever. I don’t mind doing all the work. Also I didn’t even just cut myself with the scissors which is a minor miracle because I have sustained two cuts on the knuckle of my left ring finger so far today in different present-opening incidents. One involved a swiss army knife. Poor left ring finger.
-It says to close the door of the battery chamber, but the door doesn’t close. It just swings out on its stupid little springs. STOP LYING TO ME, USER’S MANUAL.
-Oh. There’s a button for that. It occurs to me at this point that many may suspect that my inadequacy is feigned. Au contraire. I really am this inadequate. So take that.
-“Use the supplied Charging AC Adapter EH-68P and USB Cable UC-E6 to charge the supplied Rechargeable Li-ion Battery EN-EL 10 while it is in the camera.” Oh. Okay, I’ll do that.
-Hahahaha my battery is named “Li-ion.” I bet it has a stutter. My poor, challenged battery.
-Now I’m supposed to stick a plug adapter onto the Charging AC Adapter, which is inexplicably capitalized.
-The instructions say that if I am in Argentina, the plug adapter is not supplied. Why? I’M A PERSON TOO, NIKON. Not that I’m in Argentina, but what if I were? WHAT IF I WERE.
-Hmm. All these plastic wrapped parts appear to be about the same. Hmmmmmmm. Hmmmmmmmmm. I wonder if there was no snow outside this Christmas because the Universe was giving me a gift. Maybe it wants to be friends.
-No, don't be stupid, self.
-No, don't be stupid, self.
-Now, I can’t be positive because I’m an idiot, but I think I’m missing a piece. Maybe Santa bought me this camera in Argentina. I knew this would come up.
-Did I just have a stroke? Where is that dumb plug adapter? I CHECKED THE BOX. DON’T TELL ME TO CHECK THE BOX. IT’S NOT IN THERE.
-I did NOT lose it. I know I didn’t lose it because just because ALRIGHT?!?!
-I can only conclude that my camera was purchased in Argentina. The Argentina instructions say to move on. Does this mean that I’m a citizen now? Do I have to learn Spanish?
-So…out of this pile of wires I now need to locate the wire that will connect my half-formed chargy thingy to the camera part of the camera via a little hole in the camera thing. WIZARD!
-Why is one wire connected to yellow and white things? Do they plug into the TV? Are they for the Nintendo 64? I’m so confused. NIKON YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE.
-Why is everything labeled with numbers and random letters, by the way? Instead of telling me to connect “EH-68P and USB Cable UC-E6” to “Li-ion Battery EN-EL 10” it should just tell me to connect Ralph the Dragon, Jermaine Stevens, and Martin Van Buren. I would totally remember that and I would also probably grow more attached to my camera and also people would relate to Nikon’s cameras better and sales would boom. Everyone wins. Nikon should hire me.
-Ha! I totes connected this all up. Probably with the wrong wire. Whatever. I have one word: WIZARD!
-Huh. The manual says that I need to charge the battery for three hours. Well the way I see it I have three options: 1. Stay up for three hours and then probably three more as I attempt to figure the rest of this crap out, 2. Go to sleep and finish this tomorrow in a part two installment, 3. Wait for the Nikon fairy to come and charge my battery for me. I choose option 2. WIZARD!
-I don't really even remember what the context is for "WIZARD!" anymore.
